Bears’ Williams Broke A Teen Lions Fan’s Heart In 1980

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

There are those things in life that give you that sinking feeling.

Seeing that your keys are in the car as you are slamming the (locked) door. Going to the fridge at work and realizing that your carefully-packed, yummy lunch that you made for yourself is sitting right there — on the kitchen counter, where you left it this morning. That kind of stuff.

For me, as a 17-year-old, still-passionate Lions fan, that sinking feeling was seeing Dave Williams race up the sideline. With the football. With no Lion near him. With the football game on his person, stolen for his Chicago Bears.

Overtime was instituted in the NFL for regular season games in 1974. And in the hundreds of OT games played since, only once has a team lost the game by surrendering a TD return on the kickoff.

Yes, that would be your Detroit Lions.

Of course, the Lions picked a glorious occasion for such nonsense: the annual Thanksgiving Day game, against the Bears in 1980. It was the “Another One Bites the Dust” year, except that the Lions’ brilliant 4-0 start had faded into a desperation Turkey Day game because the record was suddenly 7-5 when the Bears invaded.

But all looked good for three quarters.

The Lions led all game, and were up by 14 heading into the fourth. Then the Bears scored a touchdown to pull within seven. The Lions couldn’t handle RB Walter Payton, nor the Bears running QB, Vince Evans. The Bears got the ball back with under two minutes to play, needing a touchdown to tie.

The game came down, literally, to the last play. Inside the Lions’ ten, Evans dropped back to pass, only I’m not sure if that was his intention. After a cursory look for a receiver, Evans’s feet started dancing again. And the Lions, again, couldn’t get him into their grasp. Evans lunged over the goal line as the clock read 0:00. I cursed and raved. The Lions needed the game badly; 8-5 was tons better than 7-6 during the playoff push.

There was a coin flip, and the Lions lost. Rookie kicker Eddie Murray booted the ball and it was taken by Williams at his five yard line. Williams briefly tried going up the middle, but quickly found that there was no daylight. So he bounced outside, to the near sideline, and it was quite evident that the Lions had over-pursued the middle of the field. Only Murray had a chance, and Williams wasn’t even to midfield yet. But Murray was slow, had no angle, and Williams basically ran the final 50 yards without a Lion in sight. Nor a penalty flag anywhere to be found.

Those final 50 yards broke my teenage heart. The Lions had blown the game by giving up two touchdowns in a matter of 30 seconds or so — Evans’s to tie the game, and Williams’s to win it.

A quick check of Williams’s stats at pro-football-reference.com shows that the kick return for a TD was his third and final one in his four-year career. But it remains the only one in NFL history to occur in overtime.

The Lions finished 9-7 and missed the playoffs. Had they held on against the Bears on Thanksgiving, they would have made the post-season.

Just another cautionary tale in a franchise’s history that is wallpapered with them.

Thursday = Knee Jerks: Webisode #5

You’ve landed on Thursday at OOB — which means yet another delightful webisode of “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al”, my weekly tete-a-tete with that rabble rouser at The Wayne Fontes Experience, Big Al himself.

This week, we dive into: the big (?) MSU win over U-M last Saturday; why in the world the Lions should consider signing Daunte Culpepper; the World Serious; the possibility of a Tigers blockbuster trade; and a preview of the Pistons season.

So, without further ado……

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Eno: Uh-oh – it’s Thursday. That means you’ve come across another webisode of “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al.” I’m Eno, aka The Journalist, and he’s Al, aka A Pissed Off Wolverine Fan. Is that an accurate assessment, Big Al?

Big Al: Pissed? I’ve passed that stage of grief in regard to the Wolverines. I think I’m at acceptance at this point. I just keep chanting, “Serenity now!” whenever I see winged helmets.

Eno: OK, seriously. I know we addressed this a few weeks back, but did you think it was going to be this bad? And how in the HELL did U-M manage to be ranked in the pre-season Top 25?

Big Al: Not in my wildest dreams did I think Michigan would be cellar dwellers. I figured .500 was a worst-case scenario, but this? No one saw this coming, not even The Amazing Kreskin! “SERENITY NOW!” Then again I don’t know if The Amazing Kreskin is still alive, so it might have been hard for him to predict anything, let alone the collapse of the Wolverines, of all things.

Eno: Wow – a Kreskin reference! Wonder what percentage of our readers will get THAT one! And yes, I believe he’s still alive, somewhere. I must say, though, that you can tell who’s the “little brother” in this state, because MSU’s t-shirts featuring the scoreboard and their other displays of rubbing it in smacks of losers who don’t know how to handle winning. I like State, but don’t they know what the series has been like in the past, oh, 40 YEARS?

Big Al: I understand their glee, but Sparty’s memories are awfully short-term. But in their minds, Spartan Bob ran the clock perfectly and Desmond Howard wasn’t interfered with. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the Sparty faithful.

Eno: Besides, it wasn’t like they beat the best Michigan team ever assembled. They’re joyful over knocking off someone that Toledo beat, after all. OK, so what does your gut tell you? Is RichRod going to get this thing going as soon as next year? Or are we looking at a two-to-three year fix?

Big Al: It’ll be 2010 at the earliest before RichRod turns the Wolverines around. Mostly because he’ll still have QB issues next season. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts there’s a true freshman under center in 2009. That alone will guarantee another long season in Ann Arbor. Michigan fans best get used to seeing some ugly football for quite some time to come.

Eno: Well, thanks for the warning, I suppose. But wasn’t it nice to see the Ohio State University get whipped by Penn State? Didn’t that ease the pain a bit?

Big Al: It’s always nice to see CheatyPants McSweaterVest get his comeuppance, especially being taken down by the 150-year-old Joe Paterno.

Eno: Al, why don’t you REALLY tell us what you think of Jim Tressel? Gosh, you’re so wishy-washy!

Big Al: Hey, I’m not called a “knee jerk” for nothing! I’ll be honest though: the Sweater Vest has Michigan’s number, and I don’t see his dominance changing anytime soon.

Eno: Probably not. A U-M win this year, at Columbus, might eclipse Bo’s job over Woody in 1969. OK, so that’s Michigan. How did you handle the Lions’ blackout?

Big Al: Unlike most Lions fans, who took the week off from the team, I watched a cruddy, YouTube quality stream over the web. I just had to get my hate on, and I wasn’t going to let a silly, archaic, NFL mandated blackout stop me!

Eno: Talk about resourceful! I’m impressed – or petrified, I’m not sure which. Instead of re-hashing another loss, I was interested in your post at TWFE about Daunte Culpepper. I think I want the Lions to sign him. Am I a whack job? Careful, now!

Big Al: No, I won’t go there, even if you did serve up a beach ball right down the middle. As for Culpepper, you’re correct. This was more than your typical Tuesday free agent workout. I would not be surprised to see the former Viking/Fish/Raider in a Lions’ uniform next week. This Sunday is likely Dan Orlovsky’s last hurrah. The Lions lose to the Bears, which is almost a given, Stanton is under center the next week, and Culpepper could be the backup.

Eno: Well, like I commented on your blog, everyone thought Jim Plunkett was done when the Raiders signed him. Two Super Bowl wins later…. Now, I’m not saying Daunte is leading the Lions to the Big One, but at 32 he might have some football left in him. I’m just wondering what it is about the Lions that intrigues him. The winning culture?

Big Al: More like the Lions’ QB situation is awful, and Culpepper sees a possible starting opportunity. There may be some football left in Culpepper, but the question I have to ask is: Is there any football left in his destroyed knee?

Eno: Well, that’s the thing. It just shows that a football player’s desire to play sometimes supersedes winning. Plus, there’s always that green stuff called money.

Big Al: Which may be what’s stopping the Lions from signing him, post haste. Before his short-lived retirement, there was talk Culpepper had wanted a multi-year deal in the $5 million-a-season range. That’s an awful amount of jack for a QB who hasn’t been the same player since he stopped throwing to Randy Moss. If Culpepper wants to play, it’s going to have to be at a much reduced rate. At least I hope that’s what the Lions are telling him.

Eno: Probably will be one of those incentive-laced things. Culpepper told the Chiefs to take a hike, so apparently that means he feels he’s close to signing with the Lions. Daunte wore #11 in Minny; we haven’t had a running QB wear that number since Greg Landry! That is, if Daunte can still run!

Big Al: The last Lion to wear #11 was a diva wide receiver. Maybe the Lions want Culpepper to play wideout? Josh McCown did!

Eno: You’re right! Too funny! OK, I mustered up the first two topics today. What’s on your agenda?

Big Al: OK, what’s your take on how MLB handled the World Series weather issues in Philadelphia? Starting Saturday’s game at 10 p.m. was bad enough. But Monday night was a bad joke! Bud Selig has to be thanking the baseball Gods BJ Upton and Carlos Pena bailed out baseball by tying the game while playing in a monsoon.

Eno: Well, Bud said he never would have let the Series end on a rain-shortened Phillies win, which is commendable. I don’t know about this. Seems whatever you do, you’re wrong. I’m no Selig fan, but I don’t find much fault with him here. It’s a tough deal. But it also illustrates why the season should be shorter and the WS shouldn’t be knocking on November’s door!

Big Al: Exactly. Let’s not forget the playoffs have been expanded as well. Today, Reggie Jackson would be known as Mr. November! Unfortunately, baseball is allowing TV to dictate scheduling. Monday’s game never should have been played, period.

Eno: I opined a week or so ago that baseball playoffs were more fun when you had to sneak out to watch them, i.e. DAY GAMES! Wouldn’t it be nice, Al, for MLB to toss us old-timers a bone and play, say Game 1 on a Wednesday afternoon or something?

Big Al: There’s a certain cache’ to daytime playoff baseball that is sorely missed. I vaguely remember being allowed to follow the 1968 Series between the Tigers and Cardinals in class. (I would have been six at the time. Yes, I’m old) The Tigers, as a matter of fact, played in the last daytime World Series game back in 1984. Ah, the good old days. Speaking of the Tigers, they are known for making moves immediately after the Series ends. Two years ago, it was trading for Gary Sheffield. Last year, Edgar Renteria. Do you get the feeling we’ll see the Tigers make an aggressive move once the Phillies win?

Eno: You know, I do. I don’t know why I say that, but something tells me that, since [Tigers GM] Dave Dombrowski and Jim Leyland are on the hot seats, aggressiveness might be warranted here. It backfired last year, but standing pat seems riskier. I’d like to see them go after [pitcher] Derek Lowe. But yes, I think we’re in for another blockbuster; just maybe not this soon.

Big Al: From what I’m reading, Lowe might be out of the Tigers’ price range. But they do need to move quickly, as they need to fill holes in the rotation, the bullpen and at shortstop. It all depends on what Mike Ilitch decides to do with his payroll. If the Pizza Man decrees a lower salary burden, Dombrowski really has his work cut out for him. The pressure is truly on his shoulders to fix his mistakes, but it may take more than a year to do so.

Eno: This is going to be interesting. Leyland had magic in Year One, half a good year in Year Two, and a crappy year in Year Three – when the expectations were the highest, ironically. This thing could go either way. What are your odds that Jim’s in Detroit in 2010?

Big Al: No better than 50/50, possibly worse. Ilitch went all in before the ‘08 season. He’s an old man, and desperately wants to win a World Series. If the Tigers don’t measurably improve early on in ‘09, Leyland may not finish the season on the Detroit bench. Considering the money spent, I’d imagine the Pizza Man’s patience has to be running thin. Lelyand will be on a very short leash.

Eno: Wow…OK. There haven’t been too many managerial changes in Detroit in mid-season. We’ll see how it goes. Your thoughts on how the Milwaukee Brewers handled the Ned Yost/Dale Sveum situation?

Big Al: I thought it was Mickey Mouse. The manager can only do so much, and play the hand he was dealt by the front office. A playoff contender making a coaching change a few weeks before the end of the season is something that happens in the NHL, not MLB.

Eno: Right. Then they extend the GM’s contract and don’t even mention Sveum’s effort in getting them into the playoffs. Bush league! What else is on your mind?

Big Al: The Pistons begin their season tonight, but it really feels like they are flying under the radar. I’m interested to see how [new coach] Michael Curry handles such a headstrong bunch. Curry is saying all the right things, but it’s a long season. Sooner or later he’s going to have to butt heads with players like Rasheed Wallace. It’s going to be interesting to see Curry’s development as the head man

Eno: Well, he’s a recent player, so that should help. These Pistons haven’t really been coached by someone like Curry before. His task is simple for a rookie coach: win 50-55 games, navigate through the Eastern Conference mine field, and then make it to the Finals. Piece of cake!

Big Al: Indeed. And doing so while following Joe Dumars’s mandate of making sure young players like Rodney Stuckey, Amir Johnson, Kwame Brown and Jason Maxiell get plenty of time in the rotation. Curry has his work cut out for him.

Eno: I often wonder how much micro-managing Dumars does. But then again, I’ve never really read any of his former coaches (and that list is beginning to rival that of Liz Taylor’s ex-husbands) critique him about that, or anything. So he must be a fair guy. Still, Flip Saunders used to defer lots of seemingly coaching questions to Dumars, so that makes me wonder. You? Or am I making something out of nothing?

Big Al: I think there’s something to what you say. Without question, the Pistons are Joe Dumars’s team, and in many ways, I think the players are more loyal to Joe D than their coaches. Let alone the fact Dumars is also a favorite son of the owner, Bill Davidson. It has to be an intimidating atmosphere for a coach. Even more so for an inexperienced one.

Eno: Right, but Curry was hand-picked by Dumars (of course, so were the others) and has his boss’s highest regard right now. Plus, Joe D is kinda ticked at the players right now, which makes it easier for Curry, too. But it’s a player’s league, and always will be. That’s why you see so many recent players as coaches. Gone are the days of guys like Jack Ramsay and Frank Layden!

Big Al: That’s DOCTOR Jack Ramsay! You’re correct in saying Dumars has issues with the “core.” The trade deadline might be quite interesting, with ‘Sheed in the last season of his contract. I get the feeling Dumars won’t hesitate to pull the trigger on a trade if the Pistons struggle…or even if they don’t.

Eno: Oh no, not at all. He’s a Jack McCloskey disciple, don’t forget, and Trader Jack made the boldest trade in Detroit history when he swapped Adrian Dantley for Mark Aguirre at the deadline in 1989. Of course, to hear Jack tell it, it wasn’t bold, just necessary. So yes, Joe D is in a trading mood. If he can do something McCloskey-like, he’ll do it. For sure.

Big Al: Joe D definitely learned a few things from Trader Jack. But Dumars finds himself in a very tough situation. The Pistons are in a sort of limbo. They are too good to break up, and should win 50+ games. But they aren’t good enough to win the NBA title. What do you do? Blow it up, or continue tweaking? It’s getting to the point of diminishing returns in regard to the core. I’m thinking this is their last ride as group.

Eno: Ha! Haven’t people been saying this is “the last ride” since 2006? But you’re right about being a tweener. This is a unique situation, in any sport. The Pistons are, indeed, good enough to be a contender, but maybe not more than that. It is strange in a way. So, as we finish our little ride for this week, my vote for strangest item of the week was the Isiah Thomas, “did he or didn’t he?” overdose story. Yours?

Big Al: It’s sad all the way around. Thomas claims it was his kid who OD’d, while the authorities say it was Isiah himself? The police have no reason to lie. What kind of father throws his own child under the bus? Isiah Thomas is a sad, sad man.

Eno: Yeah, his life has careened out of control. Thank God the Pistons didn’t make him their Joe Dumars, after all. Everything Isiah touches turns to dust. BTW, I was wrong about Warren Mott losing to Sterling Heights Stevenson by 10 – they lost by 28. And on a cold, damp night. What we parents won’t do to support our band-playing daughters, huh? But Mott’s going to the playoffs. Wish them luck at Cass Tech this weekend!

Big Al: Same for my high school alma mater, Carleton-Airport (I hate that they are always referred to by that name; it’s just “Airport!”), who host Trenton in the playoffs. Go Jets! And go Mott! I’ll see you next week, Mr. Journalist!

Eno: In the words of Sarah Palin, “You betcha!”

"Tough Guy" Curry Just What The Pistons Need

So, we’re about to find out if the young, African-American man has what it takes to be in charge, despite a rather thin resume and some naysayers. We’ll see if he can jump into a potentially explosive situation and provide calm and leadership. He certainly isn’t short on confidence, nor is he lacking a plan on how to be successful. Expectations, and the stakes, are high.

Shame on you if you thought I was talking about Barack Obama. This is a sports blog, after all. Politics isn’t just a four-letter word here — it’s twice as bad: it’s an eight-letter one.

The man in question is new Pistons coach Michael Curry. And we’ve gotten plenty used to placing the word “new” before “Pistons coach” around these parts. Certainly since Joe Dumars was handed the keys to the executive washroom some eight years ago.

George Irvine was new once, even though he really wasn’t. Rick Carlisle was new, for the most part. Larry Brown was old-as-the-hills/new, but new nonetheless. Flip Saunders was oldish/new, but also bottom-line new. Michael Curry is just plain new. And the youngest of the lot upon assuming the reins.

Curry, just a baby at age 40, for gosh sakes, makes his debut as Pistons coach tonight. No more summer league foolishness or exhibition season boredom. Tonight’s the real deal. Curry is coach #5 in the Dumars Era, which is just eight years old. Joe D. has an itchy ziggy finger, as we all know.

It’s tempting to say that Dumars is going retro here, returning the Pistons to their slapstick days of the 1960s and ’70s when the Pistons coach’s office could be entered through a revolving door. There are still rumors that we may have missed a couple of them, due to ill-timed blinking.

But there really is no comparison to Dumars’s Pistons and those of yore. Back then, coaches were fodder because the talent wasn’t there. Today, Pistons coaches are fodder because Dumars’s expectations are as high as they’ve ever been with this franchise.

This summer, that itchy ziggy finger was supposed to extend to the players themselves.

In a press conference that should be nominated for the Most Annoyed Speaker category, Dumars ranted, just days after the Pistons were eliminated in the Final Four (again) by the Boston Celtics, that no player was safe.

“You lose sacred cow status when you keep losing like this,” Dumars said, still bristling about the Celtics loss.

The doors were open at PistonsLand, Dumars said. I’m open for business, he told the rest of the NBA at that presser. Former sacred cows to be had, if the price was right.

But the market for Dumars’s wares proved shockingly dry. So instead, Dumars canned the coach (again) and signed one free agent of note: former no. 1 overall pick Kwame Brown.

The NBA is as cyclical a league as you’ll ever find when it comes to coaching. All the coaches in the NBA can pretty much be divided into two categories: nice guy and tough guy. That’s it. Which one you prefer is determined by what you just had.

The confident Curry has one thing on his mind: a return trip to the Finals


The Pistons are coming off having had a nice guy (read: not enough player accountability) in Saunders, so now they turn to “no-nonsense” Curry (read: tough guy), who ran a spirited, if not grueling, training camp. Before Saunders the Pistons had tough guy Brown, which they needed to get to the Finals because the man before him, nice guy Carlisle (the term “nice guy” here in reference to Carlisle is clearly relative), couldn’t get past the Final Four. The man before Carlisle, the curmudgeonly Irvine, never really wanted the job but was promoted anyway, and by all accounts certainly wasn’t a nice guy.

The Pistons feel they need a tough guy, and Curry, they think, fits the bill, despite his lack of coaching experience. But, as with others who get a gig like this with questionable credentials, it’s pointed out that Curry was “like a coach on the floor” as a player. It’s what they say about bench warmers who were never stars. Kind of like praising the ugly girl at school for having a great personality.

But I’m actually a Curry guy, despite my smarminess. It’s a player’s league, this NBA, and a quick look around it reflects that. Nowhere else do young (i.e. under 45 years old) men rise to the level of head coach as fast as they do in the NBA. They’re almost always former NBA players. And often they’re practically ripped from their warmups, or their TV analyst headsets, and thrust into the coach’s chair. Curry did a one-season internship as one of Saunders’s assistants, and was himself a player just a couple seasons ago. But, strangely, that may be all it takes for him to be successful. New coaches have taken over teams with far less talent, you know.

It’s all there, really, for Michael Curry to win. He’s got the players, clearly — both old and young. He has the support of his boss, no matter how fleeting that’s proven to be in the past. He has the advantage of a sort of back-door hunger, the result of four straight seasons sans a championship, and three without an appearance in the Final Two. And he’s a recent player who appears to have the respect of his charges. Not to mention, he’s that all-important tough guy.

Now, all Curry has to do is go out there, win the expected 50-55 games, navigate through the Eastern Conference’s minefield during the playoffs, and reach the Finals. All in his first season.

It says here that he has the chops to do it. Bald-headed guys named Michael have done OK in the NBA in the past.

Mitts I’ve Worn And Wished I’d Worn

Do you remember your first baseball mitt?

I started my illustrious, six-year Little League career at age eight with something that had a Detroit Tigers logo on the strap. It was the typical children’s-style glove. And I remember having done a horrible job of breaking it in, not being accustomed to such things. The glove had a skewed, uneven fold that makes me shudder just thinking about it.

Ahh, but then my second glove was more like the real deal. It was endorsed, first off. The steady but unspectacular second baseman Ted Sizemore had his signature burned into the thumb side. Years later, I found out that Sizemore grew up in the Detroit area, like me, so I guess that was fitting. Plus, I was mostly an infielder, so at least I had the right style of mitt. The glove was a Wilson make. I remember my mother springing for some special oil that was to go into the palm of the glove. It came in a small, tin container with a tapered nozzle. I think the stuff was called “Glovolium”, or something like that.

Anyhow, I took good care of the Sizemore model. It was oiled, properly broken in, complete with a baseball and rubber band. The rubber band kept the mitt closed over the ball. I’m sure you know that trick, if you were ever once a 13-year-old boy.

That glove took me through my teen years, and it wasn’t until I came out of retirement to play in an adult softball league when I was 24 that I bought my next glove — a black Wilson that I still own, 20+ years later. Now THAT’S a mitt. It’s perfectly broken in, with that lovely “snap” action that all trusty mitts have. It was broken in for softball, but I’d trust it with a hardball, too. The difference from my Sizemore model is that its webbing is made for outfield play, since that was what I played in softball.

I REALLY wanted to own a first baseman’s glove, though. For whatever reason, I longed to be a first baseman. I think it’s because all the cool superstar outfielders moonlighted as first basemen. So did a lot of the catchers. Guys like Bill Freehan, Johnny Bench, and countless other backstops would take a “day off” and don the first baseman’s mitt. Freehan even spent one season (1974) at 1B more than he did catching, in terms of games played. Al Kaline, when he returned from a wrist injury in 1968, found the outfield crowded. With the DH still someone’s bad dream, Kaline volunteered to play some first base, giving Norm Cash a rest against lefties.

This is what I REALLY wanted to wear

First base is just that position that almost every player finds himself at, at least once in his career. Remember Pudge Rodriguez’s short stint there in 2006? I also recall Lance Parrish being forced into first base in 1980, as Tigers manager Sparky Anderson tried to make his All-Star catcher a serviceable backup at first. Didn’t work.

I admit to getting a little excited when I see that there may be the need for a “bizarre” first baseman in a game, due to multiple moves, injuries, etc. Sometimes I wonder, “Who’s gonna play first now?,” and wait in anticipation to see who emerges from the dugout with someone else’s first baseman’s glove on his hand.

The funny thing is, for a position that supposedly anyone can play competently, there is actually quite a bit to playing first base. There’s footwork, scooping balls out of the dirt, knowing when to cut-off an outfield throw and when not to, and that difficult 3-6-3 double play. Yet in a pinch, in small doses, first base really can be almost like a day off.

Of course, when we were kids, that position was right field. You always put the worst players out there.

Yes, I played right field too, on occasion.

Lions, Bengals Should Decide #1 Overall Draft Pick The Manly Way

It used to be a hackneyed line, found in the B-movies of the day, when color was still reserved for the big budget “pictures”. Typically, it was uttered by men in fedoras who all sounded like Jimmy Cagney.

The line was: “That’s just crazy enough to work!”

Oh, you can still see it pop up from time to time. Sometimes I even like saying it; I’ve had a pretty good success rate of getting laughs when it spills off my lips.

As I was sitting here, trying to figure out what to write about another Lions loss — this time without the, ahem, benefit of having actually seen the game — the idea came to me out of the blue.

The Lions are 0-7. The Cincinnati Bengals are 0-8. They would appear to be on a crash course to see who will get the #1 overall pick in next year’s draft, especially since they don’t play each other. It’s still highly likely that they will end up with identical records, be it 0-16, 1-15 or something.

So here’s the idea. Instead of using some silly little coin flip or sucking ping pong balls through a vacuum and into a rotating cylinder — or any other supposedly “random” little trick that you can come up with — in order to determine overall pick #1, why not hold the first annual Toilet Bowl?

You heard me.

As part punishment, part fairness, part grotesque sadism, make the Lions and Bengals suit up the week between the conference championships and the Super Bowl, pitting them against each other in the Toilet Bowl. At stake? The 2009 #1 Draft Pick. The winner of the game gets the #1 pick. And, to make things interesting (for what is the real difference between #1 and #2, anyway?), the loser of the Toilet Bowl gets bumped all the way down to the 32nd pick. I know, tough cookies for the loser, but maybe, just maybe, you might get a decent football game if you frame it this way.

I’m only partly kidding, by the way. What scares me is that I wonder if I’m really kidding at all.

I haven’t seen much of the Bengals this season, even with my NFL Sunday Ticket package. Just because you CAN watch the Bengals doesn’t mean that you DO. I’m sure they’re saying the same thing about the Lions in Cincinnati. But a look at the standings shows the Bengals with 104 points scored and 217 points allowed; the Lions are at 114-212. Verrrry similar.

Now, it may not be what Lions RB Rudi Johnson had in mind when he signed with the Lions after several years with the Bengals, but there you have it.

Here’s this week’s incredible Lions statistic: Washington QB Jason Campbell, Sunday, became the sixth quarterback out of the seven the Lions have played this season to register a career high in QB rating. SIX OUT OF SEVEN! The exception? Minnesota’s Gus Frerotte, who surely would contemplate retirement immediately if you were to show him this nugget of info.

But it’s true. Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, J.T. O’Sullivan, Kyle Orton, Matt Schaub, and Campbell have all had career days, literally, against the Lions this season. Even for a winless team, even for a team with the Lions pedigree, that’s mind-boggling.

But it’s not funny. It’s not cute, even if we pretend it to be. It’s shameful, is what it is. It’s embarrassing and humiliating and disgusting, is what it is. It’s being the league’s punching bag, its fire hydrant for all the dogs.

Ahh, but would the Lions be the punching bag and fire hydrant for the Bengals, too?

Let’s strap it on the last week of January and find out.

It’s just crazy enough to work!

Spartans Have Golden Opportunity To Put “Arrogant Asses” In Their Place

I’m telling you, I don’t know what’s happened to football coaches names anymore. They’ve gone and gotten themselves called things like Mike and John and Pat and Mark and Rich.

Pshaw!

Don’t they know that properly-named football coaches answer to Knute and Bo and Woody and Bear? Or Biggie and Duffy?

Certainly not Darryl.

Thirty years ago, there was a Darryl in our midst; twenty years ago, he faded away, and mercifully so.

But Darryl Rogers made a mark around these parts. Better put that more often than not, he left a mark.

Duffy was gone in 1978 – Duffy Daugherty, that is, the head football coach at Michigan State University. He retired in 1972 and gave way to the kind but bland Denny Stolz. The lineage went Munn to Daugherty to Stolz: Biggie to Duffy to Denny. Not a Mike or John or Pat in the group.

After Denny proved mostly ineffective – including managing to get the football program placed on probation – he was swept out the door and this dude from small California schools like Fresno and San Jose State came eastward to coach the Spartans: Darryl Rogers.

No one knew much about Darryl. Quickly, though, it was evident that a physical quirk forced him to talk out of one side of his mouth, literally. Eventually, we’d discover that a character flaw meant that he talked out of both sides, figuratively. But I digress.

Rogers came to East Lansing in 1976 and coached two mostly bland years. Then the Spartans came alive in 1978. One of their stars was a bombastic, caustic receiver who also was pretty good at baseball: Kirk Gibson.

Yet the Spartans were still losing football games again when the 1978 season began. Ready or not, they were on a collision course with their in-state rivals, the Michigan Wolverines, for a tilt in mid-October. The game would be played in Ann Arbor. The usual posturing began as the game drew nearer. Then Darryl opened the good side of his mouth and called the folks from U-M “arrogant asses.” Not that he was lying or anything.

The comment caused a low boil on Michigan’s campus, which grew to a rolling one as Saturday approached. The Wolverine faithful – the folks that Rogers had called, in so many words, over-confident posteriors – couldn’t wait to see what their team would do to MSU. The Spartans were annual victims to the Wolverines. They were beaten down by U-M in Rogers’s first two seasons. And MSU was 1-3 in ‘78 when Rogers made the remark. The series had taken on an almost Harlem Globetrotters-Washington Generals persona.

Rogers led his Generals/Spartans into Michigan Stadium, fresh off losses to big-time football programs USC and Notre Dame. Over 101,000 over-confidents sat on their posteriors, waiting for the slaughter.

Except that when the day was done, the Spartans/Generals had whipped Bo Schembechler’s boys, 24-15. In Ann Arbor.

Rogers: Hard to tell if he’s packing or unpacking

Rogers’s team kept right on winning. They wouldn’t lose another game all season, in fact, speeding to the finish line with an 8-3 record, including 7-1 in the Big Ten – co-champions of the conference with … Michigan! But because of Denny Stolz’s little probation, the Spartans were banned from appearing in the national polls or any bowl game. Despite knowing there wasn’t any carrot at the end of the stick, MSU still kicked everyone’s ass in the Big Ten – including the arrogant ones from Michigan.

The Spartans faltered in 1979, and that’s when Darryl Rogers revealed that he could, indeed, talk out of both sides of his mouth after all. Rumors started to swirl that Rogers, after a few seasons in the Midwest, was itching to get back to the Pacific time zone. Arizona State University was courting him. It was reported.

Rogers said no. He kept saying no. Right up to the moment, almost, that he hopped a plane for Arizona and was introduced as ASU’s new coach. It was behavior that would be repeated five years later, when he would deny to the ASU folks that he was about to bolt to the NFL to coach the Detroit Lions. He pulled the same stunt – managing to work both sides of his crooked mouth before ending up in Pontiac, hours after denying that he would coach the Lions.

Michigan State has a great opportunity this Saturday to kick some over-confident posterior, when said rear ends are down and out. The 6-2 Spartans will invade Ann Arbor to play around with the 2-5 and almost-1-6 Wolverines. This time, MSU is Harlem and U-M is Washington. Or so you would think.

Two things are certain in October in this state: the leaves fall, and so do the Spartans. It’s becoming an annual tradition: MSU starts fast, then fades. They raise hopes, then crush them. This year, a 6-1 start turned sour when the Ohio State University barged into Spartan Stadium and manhandled the Spartans, 45-7. That loss had a familiar odor to it: that of impending doom.

Michigan’s program is down. They haven’t even been able to handle the likes of a mediocre MAC school, Toledo, in their own Big House. Penn State toyed with them before racing away like a gazelle. This is, by far, the worst Michigan team that MSU has played in decades.

Yet it won’t surprise too many people if the Spartans lose Saturday – not true football historians, anyway. MSU has perfected the art of spoiling promising seasons for themselves.

Spartans coach Mark Dantonio is a nice man, by all appearances. Definitely not one to create bulletin board fodder with accusations of being arrogant or posteriors. Or both. He’s smarter than to think his team has this one in the bag, even if they do.

Besides, his name is Mark and his counterpart is named Rich. That’s not a rivalry, that’s a business lunch.

Let’s see if the Spartans belch it back up, once again.

Before Parcells, Lombardi Was The NFL’s Makeover Artist

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

Several weeks ago, as the Lions were preparing to face the Green Bay Packers, I wrote in the Friday nostalgic preview here that there was a coach named Phil Bengston. He was the answer to a trivia question: Who coached the Green Bay Packers after Vince Lombardi retired?

Well, here’s another trivia question for you: when Lombardi came out of retirement in 1969, what team did he coach?

Answer: the Washington Redskins.

Lombardi was so many things, and one of them was Bill Parcells way before there was a Bill Parcells — a coaching Parcells, at least. Today, we laud Parcells as a resuscitator of football franchises — a man who has gone into many a sticky situation and come out smelling like a rose. His latest reclamation project is the Miami Dolphins, though he’s doing it from the executive offices this time.

Lombardi resurrected the Packers, turning them from perennial losers in the 1950s to the Team of the Decade in the 1960s. And funny, but the Pack went right back to losing when Lombardi left them.

And here’s something else that’s funny: when Lombardi couldn’t stand being a GM and bolted that job after just one year to coach the ‘Skins, the team from the capital shed their losing ways, and instantly.

No Redskins team had finished with more wins than losses since 1955 when Lombardi took over. Usually, they weren’t close to .500 in that time frame. Football folks wondered if Lombardi was about to tarnish his legacy, simply to fulfill the desire to coach once again.

Well, before you knew it, the ‘Skins were 4-1-1 and on their way. They stumbled a bit and finished 7-5-2, but it was easily their best record in quite some time. No one wondered, anymore, about Vince Lombardi’s legacy. It was safe and sound.

Lombardi as Redskins coach with retired RB Bobby Mitchell, who donned the uniform once more to pose for this photo

The veteran Redskins players marveled at Lombardi’s tenacity and fire, still raging after so many years on the sidelines. His presence even convinced legendary linebacker Sam Huff to come out of retirement and play one more season, and a very effective one.

Finally, the Redskins were on their way to being a winner again.

Then Lombardi got sick.

In the spring of 1970, after experiencing some stomach discomfort, Lombardi saw the doctor. It was revealed that he had cancer, and at an advanced stage.

The Redskins, and all of pro football, were devastated. There was still hope that Lombardi could recover, though. He went to training camp. There were reports that he was feeling better.

Unfortunately, it was all talk and hope. Lombardi got sicker and sicker, and passed away in September, 1970.

And after that blip on the screen in 1969, the ‘Skins went back to losing, finishing 6-8. George Allen took over in 1971 and restored the pride in Washington.

Some say that had Lombardi lived, he would have eventually led the Redskins into the Super Bowl, which had been his domain in Green Bay. Allen did it in 1972, so it’s conceivable that if Allen could do it, Lombardi certainly could, too.

The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno & Al (Episode 4)

You’ve stumbled onto Thursday at OOB, which can only mean one thing: The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al, my weekly chat with Mr. Wayne Fontes Experience himself, Big Al.

In this episode, we talk some Tigers pitching; a little World Series; a certain talent-less NFL team (take a wild guess) and whether a Hall of Fame QB tried to help them; and where we place Mike Babcock among NHL coaches (hint: it’s at least above Joel Quenneville). There’s even — GASP! — some boxing in there. It’s a full plate, and you don’t have much time, so here we go….

Eno: Well, the calendar says it’s Thursday, and that means you’re about to be subjected to another episode of “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno & Al”. I’m Eno, aka The Journalist, and he’s Big Al, aka The Patient. Al, good to hear that you bounced back from your Tuesday trip to the docs, and that the rumors of your demise have been greatly exaggerated!

Big Al: I’m a survivor, what can I say? If I can survive what the Lions throw at me, I can survive anything! Though I am contemplating suing the Lions, William Clay Ford, Rod Marinelli, and the NFL for the cost of my medical bills and a little extra for pain and suffering. I think I have a case!

Eno: You know, you might! OK, I usually start, but I’ll defer and defend the south goal. What do you got?

Big Al: Throwing me a change up! Even better than Fernando Rodney’s! Speaking of which, the Tigers hired a new pitching coach since we last talked. They hired Rick Knapp, who was a long-time minor league pitching coach/instructor for the Twins. Thoughts?

Eno: Well, I like the pedigree; the Twins always seem to hang around every year because of their pitching. I like the hire. I think it’s interesting that Knapp has been doing the same gig for some 12 years and is only now getting a call to The Show. Not sure if that’s good or bad, but I give my stamp of approval – as if Jim Leyland cares!

Big Al: I’m sure the Marlboro Man cares about your opinion! What I liked about the hire, other than what you mentioned about the Twins pedigree – which is a good thing as the Twinkies always seem to have a endless supply of major league ready arms – is Knapp’s mantra, “Make the first pitch a strike.” The Tigers hurlers, both starters and relievers, had the awful habit of nibbling around the corners, instead of attacking batters with their best stuff. If Knapp can straighten out Justin Verlander, who was often hitting the 100 pitch count in the 5th inning, Knapp joining the Tigers will have been a genius move.

Eno: Yeah, the bases on balls were horrifically high last season. They say the best pitch in baseball is “strike one”, so we’ll see. We’ll also see what Knapp can do with Dontrelle Willis. Do you think Dontrelle’s another Steve Blass, or, closer to home, Kevin Saucier? Or is there hope for Willis after all?

Big Al: I think there’s still hope, but the “Steve Blass Syndrome” is always going to hovering over the D-Train till he proves otherwise. Hopefully his hearing a new voice will go a long way towards fixing Willis’s control issues. I don’t think we’ll ever see the same dominant Willis who won 22 games and finished 2nd in the Cy Young voting [a few years ago]. My fingers are crossed, hoping Willis can be a solid number four or five starter. That would go a long way toward shoring up a staff with more than a few holes. Other than Verlander’s pitch counts, getting into Willis’s head will be Knapp’s no. 1 priority.

Eno: Yeah, especially with Kenny Rogers probably done, and God knows what to expect from Nate Robertson, if anything. Speaking of baseball, don’t trash Tampa-St. Pete and their Johnny-come-lately fans – unless you want to be under siege. I trashed them – twice – lately on Johnny Grubb and those folks are in a tizzy! Basically, I crabbed that the Rays being 26th in attendance was shameful. Then on Monday I took a swipe at them and Philly as cities. But they know Eno down there now – for better or for worse!

Big Al: Keep holding their feet to the fire, Eno! Tampa had trouble selling out GAME 7 in the ALCS! But they had no problem selling out the Bucs game, as it was Mike Alstott Night. Screwy priorities, if you ask me. Let alone that Alstott was one of the most overrated fullbacks in NFL history. But I digress… Tampa is an awful baseball town, and you called them out on it. The truth hurts. Personally, I’ll be rooting for Philly; as nasty as their fans can be, you can’t deny it’s a great sports town, much like Detroit.

Eno: Yeah – Philly is Detroit, plus corrosives. The late, great sportswriter Jim Murray once wrote, “When a plane lands in Philadelphia, everyone gets on — nobody gets off.” Anyway, I agree – I’m rooting for the Phils, too. What’s your take on another Cubs collapse? Were they even IN the playoffs?

Big Al: I have a soft spot for any city that can boo Santa Claus. As for the Cubbies? Short playoff series are practically a toss up. We saw it with the Tigers in ‘06; they got hot at the perfect time. The Cubs are unquestionably a better team than the Dodgers, but LA got hot, and also got some very good pitching, at the right time.

Eno: Well, whatever – but the Cubs have now officially started a second century of waiting for a championship. Unbelievable that you can go ONE HUNDRED YEARS and not win. Makes the Lions’ drought look like a two-week vacation. After THAT segue, what do you make of this allegation that Brett Favre somehow gave the Lions an hour of his time to work on a game plan for the Packers? I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or roll my eyes at this – or all three!

Big Al: I think Rod Marinelli’s “No comment” on the situation speaks volumes. Of course Favre is going to deny it, but considering his acrimonious departure from Green Bay, his trying to get back at the Packers doesn’t surprise me. But really, it’s a non-story. Giving the Lions, of all teams, inside info would be like giving me step-by-step instructions in ballroom dancing. Even if I know what to do, I don’t have enough talent to do anything with the knowledge! The Lions could have listened in on the Packers’ huddle, and it wouldn’t have done them a lick of good.

Eno: Too funny! That’s what I meant about the laughing and eye rolling! Here’s the white elephant in the room that all the MSM types seem to want to ignore about the Lions: THEY DON’T HAVE ANY TALENT! Honest to God – these guys write and write and the coaches talk and talk and the Lions’ lack of NFL talent is rarely talked about. The MSM and the coaches seem to think that it can be corrected. NO IT CAN’T – not now, anyway. But did you notice that when the veteran players are asked what’s wrong, like Dom Raiola, he says, “I don’t know.” That’s because he’s afraid to publicly say the team isn’t any good.

Big Al: I totally agree. For all of Marinelli’s bluster about playing hard every snap, giving 100%, if the talent isn’t there, giving 1000% isn’t going to make any difference. You win in the NFL on talent, period. I also found it fascinating the Lions named Rudi Johnson as captain, replacing the “injured” Jon Kitna. Whatever it says about a player being made captain who was picked up days before the season started, it can’t be very good. There must be a HUGE leadership vacuum in the Detroit locker room.

Eno: I know – I thought the same thing about the Rudi Johnson thing. OK, on to that “other” Johnson – Calvin. Before I say anything, what’s your impression of #81?

Big Al: That he should be touching the ball more than five times a game. The fact that (offensive coordinator) Jim Colletto can’t get the Lions’ only playmaker the ball is an indictment of his badly designed offense. But my biggest fear about Megatron is his becoming “Lionized” – a talented athlete playing down to the talent surrounding him.

Eno: Well, we may slightly disagree – but about his “playmaker” status. Maybe it’s the Lionizing that you referred to, but Johnson, to me, seems unable to make the routine plays with any reliability. Seems that he drops at least one pass per game, if not more. Mike O’Hara (of the Detroit News) crabbed about CJ’s two catches on Sunday, but he failed to mention Johnson’s drop on that drive near the end of the first half – the drive where Marinelli once again showed the clock management skills of a five year-old. Typical that Johnson caught the meaningless Hail Mary with time expired. I just don’t think Johnson makes enough plays, period. Now, should the Lions throw to him more? Of course, because he’s still the best they’ve got. What I’D like to see are more of those plays where he comes off the line of scrimmage and catches the ball in the flat, like a pseudo running play. Nobody seems to be able to tackle him when they do that.

Big Al: You make a good point, as Roy Williams had the many of the same issues. It would also help if the Lions had a legitimate NFL-quality QB throwing to Johnson. Dan Orlovsky is not exactly a top tier QB. Save for a couple of Scott Mitchell seasons in the mid-1990s, when was the last time the Lions had a QB you knew could get the ball to the right receiver in the proper spots? Since Bobby Layne left for the Steelers, they’ve been few and far between.

Eno: Yeah, speaking of the Cubs’ 100 years, how can you go 51 and only have ONE Pro Bowl QB? And if you look at Greg Landry’s stats from that year (1972), they weren’t eye-popping. Must have been a thin year for NFC QBs. I don’t know, Johnson frustrates me. What’s funny, Al, is when you look at what the Lions’ opponents do the week AFTER they play Detroit. Look at what Matt Schaub and Steve Slaton do next week. It’s funny, it really is. Hell, the 49ers just fired Mike Nolan becuase he’s 0-4 since playing … the Lions!

Big Al: Yet Rod Marinelli remains employed. No one ever said the NFL was fair. It’s not as if the Lions have been getting pounded by elite teams. Hell, the tough part of the schedule is just beginning. Which is why the 0-16 talk isn’t just so much hot air. The Lions are playing several playoff contenders in the second half of the season. It’s going to get real ugly, real quick at Ford Field.

Eno: I recommend that no one under 18 years of age be allowed to watch what Peyton Manning does to them. It’s gonna look like no contact drills. Switching gears yet again, the Scotty Bowman-infiltrated Chicago Blackhawks just fired Denny Savard just four games into the season and replaced him with Joel Quenneville. Thoughts?

Big Al: I’m thinking it’s Scotty Bowman making his presence felt. He wants his own people in there. But still, 4 games into the season? If you have that itchy of a trigger finger, why did they even bring Savard back in the first place? It’s similar to the Tigers giving Phil Garner the ziggy a week into the season (in 2002). They were looking for any excuse. Plus Quenneville is no slouch behind the bench.

Eno: Hey, Garner had to go. I called for that one. After the Tigers went 0-3, I was saying, “Get rid of Garner!” Axing Randy Smith at the same time was a bonus! Well, I must say about Quenneville: Mike Babcock is twice the coach Quenneville is. Babcock showed balls of steel when he replaced Dom Hasek in the first round against Nashville. Not too many coaches would have the guts to make that move, because most of what could happen is bad. Then you got Quenneville who REFUSED to yank Jose Theodore and insert the backup against Detroit in the second round. Joel should have benched Theodore when the series shifted to Colorado; what harm could it have done? But he stuck with Theodore and the Red Wings kept scoring. The Avs wouldn’t have won that series, probably, but if they ever could have used a spark, it was before Game 3 in Denver. Yet Quenneville didn’t give them that chance.

Big Al: Quenneville definitely made some strange decisions in that series, especially in reagard to Theodore. But comparing any coach to Babcock is a losing proposition. The man (Babcock) is practically a class by himself in NHL coaching circles. He’s done an amazing job in forming the Red Wings into his vision.

Eno: Hey, did you realize that I managed to work in both Detroit athletes named Dominic/Dominik into this chat? Pretty clever, eh? Well, Al, anything else that’s eating you?

Big Al: Other than the ulcer in my gut? I know this is out of my comfort space, so to speak, but I find the sudden collapse of the Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) promotion Elite XC fascinating. Not two weeks after their street fighting, Internet sensation Kimbo Slice was taken in 15 seconds by a much smaller, run of the mill tomato can, the promotion dissolved, losing immense amounts of money in the process. It just goes to show MMA in many ways is no different than boxing. It’s run by a bunch of shysters taking advantage of fighters getting their heads beat in for a small slice of the money pie.

Eno: Yeah, I think you just described boxing, didn’t you? Or the MMA? I can’t tell the difference! Oh, where have you gone, Gerry Cooney and Ken Norton? Where have the closed-circuit TV bouts gone? The fights down in Manila?

Big Al: The glory days of boxing. I was a big fan in the ‘80s, when Detroit’s Kronk Gym was dominating the lower weight classes. To me, watching Tommy Hearns in his prime was a sight to behold. I remember watching him DESTROY Pipino Cuevas for the welterweight title on Wide World of Sports. And watching Hilmer Kenty win the first title for Kronk back in the day. I think being old enough to have seen the likes of Marvin Hagler, Joe Frazier, Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray Leonard – I could go on and on – in their primes, in many ways the golden age of the sport, soured me on today’s boxing and MMA. It just isn’t the same.

Eno: The hardest punch I ever saw, bar none, was the one Tommy laid on Roberto Duran. Wow. I saw Hearns-Leonard II on closed circuit, and I’m telling you, Tommy won. Well, Big Guy, time to say farewell, I fear. Got anything going this weekend?

Big Al: I’ll be trying to find ways in that crazy thing called the Internets to watch the Lions game, as I think we’ll be guaranteed a blackout. And let’s not forget the little in-state tussle going on in Ann Arbor Saturday. I expect we’ll both have something to say next week about the Wolverines and Spartans.

Eno: Oh yes, we will. I’ll be at Warren Mott’s game against SH Stevenson on Friday, since my daughter’s in the band. Mott is 6-2, Stevenson 7-1. But I’m picking Stevenson by 10. So much for me being a homer! Well, have fun LISTENING to the Lions lose to Washington. See ya next Thoisday.

Big Al: See you next week on TKJWTFWEAA!

Sculptor Amrany Has One More Red Wing (At Least) To Capture

How wonderful it is that Gordie Howe, Ted Lindsay, and Alex Delvecchio are still in our midst.

I can’t say with 100% certainty, but I’m pretty confident that no other Original Six team still has an entire forward line of the magnitude of those guys alive and kicking, and with their faculties. We’re talking 50 years ago when nos. 7, 9, and 10 were doing their thing.

The Red Wings, as an organization, has done its part in recognizing this treasure trove of old school talent. Numbers have been retired and lifted to the rafters. Special nights have been held throughout the past 20 years or so. And Howe (age 80), Lindsay (83) and Delvecchio (76) are always included when the Red Wings celebrate a team banner-raising ceremony. It’s great that that trio has received all the accolades and honors while they were still alive to see it.

The two most recent instances have occurred over the past couple of weeks, with the unveiling of statues bearing the likenesses of Lindsay and Delvecchio, similar to the one honoring Howe, which was dedicated in April 2007. All three statues were created by Chicago-based artist Omri Amrany. And, all three are scattered in the Joe Louis Arena concourse.

“One thing I love about my statue, it’s indoors,” Lindsay said. “The pigeons are not going to get a chance to get at it.”

Well, that’s ONE way to look at it, Terrible Ted.

I hope Amrany won’t mind if I commission him for one more statue. Maybe he needs the money. You know, starving artists and all.

Sadly, it won’t be one attended by the subject, but I don’t know how you can get into statue-unveiling mode and not have one of Terry Sawchuk greeting JLA visitors. Even the kiddie Red Wings fans who’ve only known success by this franchise are aware of the exploits of Howe, Lindsay, and Delvecchio — largely because they’re semi-regulars at JLA and around the team in general. I wonder how many of them, though, have any idea what goalie Sawchuk did for their team, back in the day.

Terry Sawchuk, whose career record of 103 shutouts is only now being threatened (New Jersey’s Martin Brodeur has 96), and he played his last game 38 years ago. Terry Sawchuck, who put on a display of goaltending in the Stanley Cup playoffs of 1952 so dominating it almost doesn’t seem true (8-0, four shutouts, 0.63 GAA). Terry Sawchuk, who barely lived to see the end of his career, let alone any post-retirement honors that would have come his way.

Ask just about any Red Wing from those glory days of the 1950s, and Sawchuk will be one of the first teammates they talk about in terms of contributing to the success the Wings enjoyed. The Red Wings were a marvelous team, no doubt, but it was still left to Sawchuk to stone the opposition and steal two points on many a night. It’s not a fit of homerism to declare him the best goaltender of all time.

He didn’t just play for the Red Wings, though he did play for them on three different occasions. Sawchuk was, at various times, a Boston Bruin, a New York Ranger, a Toronto Maple Leaf, and a Los Angeles King. But he played most of his 971 games with the Red Wings, by far.

His no. 1 jersey is hanging alongside 7, 9, 10, 12, and 19 near the girders at JLA, and that’s very nice. But now that we’re erecting statues of the forwards, may as well include one for the goalie, too.

I think it’s appropriate that fans get hit between the eyes with a larger-than-life, 3-D display of Sawchuk making a save as they enter the Joe — and the new arena, whenever that may be. And make it of him maskless, as he spent most of his career.

We’ve had some fine netminders in Detroit: Glenn Hall; Roger Crozier; Roy Edwards; Dominik Hasek; Chris Osgood. But none, with the exception of maybe Hasek in his prime, can touch Sawchuk. And they’d all agree.

So sorry, Mr. Amrany — but I don’t think your work is done. Let me work on the Ilitches for you. Meanwhile, keep your chisel handy. And don’t forget Steve Yzerman, who’s going to be due for a statue, too — but I think that one can wait till the Red Wings christen their new arena.

Sawchuck, who died tragically at age 40 in 1970 after some horseplay with Rangers teammate Ron Stewart led to internal bleeding and infection, won’t be able to see it, but his family can. It’s great that the Red Wings honor the living legends among us, but let them not forget about the goalie who died young who backstopped them to glory. Just because he’s not around doesn’t mean he should be left out of the statue party.

World Series Must Suffer The Weight Of Its Participating Cities

Does the World Series champion really HAVE to be from either Tampa or Philadelphia? Is it too late to relocate the teams? Can’t Commish Bud Selig step in with some sort of emergency injunction and stop this from happening?

Tampa or Philly. Liver or head cheese. Death or taxes. Plucked out toenails or an enema. Take your pick.

Tampa — that city of Johnny-come-latelies who only were nudged awake a couple of weeks ago, and found out that a baseball season had broken out. A fan base that is scrambling to make it up to their team in the form of promising — for sure — to buy tickets next season. Cross our hearts.

Philadelphia — a city with a chip the size of, well, Tampa on their shoulders. The City of Brotherly Love — but the kind of brotherly love that involves wedgies and noogies and replacing little bro’s candy bar with cat pooh. A fan base so cruel it once booed Santa Claus. And Mike Schmidt. Perhaps the most bitter of all the sports cities, because its teams constantly rise to OK and then sink back down to awful. Or worse, stay at OK and perpetually tease its followers. Ask any Eagles fan.

Or Phillies fan, for that matter. The Phils are mad as hell and not going to take it anymore — at least I hope so, and that’s why I’m picking them to swat these feisty little Rays for good, doing what the White and Red Sox couldn’t do in the AL playoffs. The Phillies have been doing that Philadelphia sports thing for the last five or six years — where you peak at OK-to-good and stay there for several years, never winning anything of note. Hey, ask any Flyers fan while you’re at it.

The Rays, no doubt, are looking around their locker room and seeing a bunch of young, green talent and figuring that the World Series will be a fairly regular thing in Tampa for the next several years. So no biggie if they drop this one; there’ll be others, and soon. The Phillies, on the other hand, have sore feet from kicking at the door and are poised to finally just bust the damn thing down.

But the cities, as far as being deserving? Meh.

It’s a toss-up, really. Do you want your baseball champion to come from a town where they’re still wiping the Sand Man from their eyes, or from one that’s so mean-spirited and cranky, it makes John McCain look like Dale Carnegie? Have fun with that choice.

Selig needs to do something. Maybe arrange to have the games played at a neutral site. That way we can be spared the phony excitement of Tampa and the national anthem singer won’t be booed in Philadelphia. The reason the Rays fans are so loud is because they’ve spent all summer resting up. You’d be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, too, if you hibernated from April to September.

So it’s Tampa versus Philly. Golly-gee-whiz versus f*** you. Some choice.

The Detroit Lions: Compiling Quite A List Of Super Bowl Contenders And Pro Bowl QBs

I hope the NFL doesn’t plan on soliciting the Detroit Lions’ opinion when it comes to favorites for the post-season hardware.

Pro Bowl Quarterback?

Lions Defender: Matt Ryan. No, Aaron Rodgers. Check that — J.T. O’Sullivan. My bad — Kyle Orton. Wait, change my vote to Gus Frerotte. Shoot, I’m sorry — I meant to say Matt Schaub.

Umm, OK … how about your Super Bowl favorite?

Lions Player: Well, you’ve got Atlanta, with their awesome running backs and lethal passer in Matt Ryan, that wily college veteran. But then I also like Green Bay; they’re loaded. But you can’t have this discussion and leave out San Francisco, who’s got that Frank Gore guy and, of course, the Pro Bowler O’Sullivan. Yet what about Chicago, with that Orton guy and their best-I’ve-ever-seen linebackers and pass rush? But gosh darn it, Minnesota makes quarterbacks run right out of the end zone — that’s how intimidating their defense is. But you saw how powerful the Houston Texans are, didn’t you? So maybe it’s Houston. I don’t know.

Seven days from now, those same Lions players will add Jason Campbell to the Pro Bowl roster, along with placing Campbell’s Redskins at the top of the Power Rankings. Then it’s back to Chicago to face the elite Bears led by the maybe-Pro Bowler Orton, then home to entertain the Jacksonville Jaguars, Super Bowl contenders for sure — how can they not be, with the league’s premier signal caller, David Garrard, on their roster?

The schedule doesn’t get any easier. You’ve got Super Bowl-bound Carolina, followed by Super Bowl-bound Tampa Bay, Super Bowl-bound Tennessee, those awesome Vikings, the elite Indy Colts, the Super Bowl-bound New Orleans Saints, and the class of the NFC, the Green Bay Packers.

The Lions made another mediocre quarterback look like the second coming of Dan Marino. They turned some running back named Steve Slaton into Jim Brown. And, of course, the legitimately good WR Andre Johnson had his expected field day, turning the Lions’ secondary into his own personal tulip field. Where’s Tiny Tim and his ukelele?

Actually, Tim, who passed away over a decade ago, is no more lifeless than the Lions, who dozed while the Houston Texans raced to a 21-0 lead, then teased with a moderate attempt at a comeback after being nudged awake. The final score was a somehow respectable 28-21. At least the Lions beat the point spread, which was an unseemly 9-1/2.

It’s truly amazing how the Lions make every team they play look like the best team in the NFL and that team’s QB look like Johnny Unitas. Every single week. It’s a phenomenon, really. I enjoy seeing what those teams and those QBs and RBs and WRs do the week after they play the Lions. It’s comical, really — how they have to return to struggling and scuffling along after their break in the schedule against the Lions.

Check out Schaub’s numbers next week. Same with Slaton’s. I don’t care that Houston is hosting that other winless NFL team, Cincinnati, next Sunday. I guarantee you that the Texans won’t play the hot knife to the Bengals’ butter, and cut through Cincy’s defense effortlessly. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the Bengals won the game.

In this day and age of supposed parity in the NFL — when teams can go from 4-12 to 9-7 and back to 3-13 like an EKG printout, the Lions have flatlined. It’s a team that hasn’t had a pass rush or a secondary in 15 years, a running game in 10, and a quarterback in 51. No offensive line since the early-1990s. No playmakers on either side of the ball in this century.

This is 0-16 in the making, no question. There’s not a win on the schedule, which, all joking aside, really does get tougher from this point on. Bye bye, Rod Marinelli.

Speaking of Marinelli, where’s his fire and brimstone? He likes to tell us that we have no idea how he talks to his players behind closed doors. Fair enough. But a team is often a reflection of its coach. You mean to tell me that Marinelli is Mike Ditka, Bill Parcells, and Knute Rockne behind those closed doors, when he’s Perry Como on the sideline? I’d feel a little better about Coach Rod (with apologies to that guy in Ann Arbor) if I saw him throw a headset on the ground or yell, or do just about anything other than fix his face into that confused, bewildered visage that he always seems to have when the cameras catch him on the sideline.

The Lions’ suspect clock management was at play again yesterday, near the end of the first half. Apparently still holding out that the league will allow unused timeouts carry over from one half to the next, the Lions kept a couple of them in their pocket after a Dan Orlovsky pass to Mike Furrey put the Lions near midfield. Maybe 10, 12 seconds ran off the clock while they lined up, sans huddle before Calvin Johnson dropped a pass. Then another completion — THEN a timeout, with just a few seconds remaining. Then, in typical Lions fashion, Orlovsky and Johnson hooked up for a Hail Mary several yards from the end zone as time expired. Those 10-12 seconds would have come in handy, eh?

Now, about Johnson — who the Fox commentators kept referring to as the Lions’ “superstar” receiver. You’re nowhere NEAR the general vicinity of superstar — not even in the same time zone — when it’s such a challenge to consistently catch the most catchable of passes. Don’t talk to me about Johnson’s 96-yard bomb from Orlovsky — a ball that any receiver in the league could have caught. I’m talking about genuine big plays, which Johnson doesn’t make. He doesn’t even make the little plays with any degree of reliability. Chris Rose and JC Pearson kept begging the Lions to throw the ball to Johnson, who finished with the strange stat line of two catches for 154 yards — numbers that will at least pad his yards per catch average. But why go out of your way to throw to Johnson, when it’s about 50/50 that he’ll catch it? Maybe he’s best served as a decoy. Other teams seem to give him respect — for now.

And, as usual, the Lions ended up without their full complement of timeouts in the final minutes of the fourth quarter. How DO they do that every week, anyway? Well, they always lose one on a lost second half challenge. That’s a weekly given. Then they’ll burn one out of stupidity and disorganization sometime late in the third quarter or early in the fourth. So they’re always left with just one, when those TOs are desperately needed to stop the clock. Yesterday, the Lions got the ball back with ten seconds remaining — at their own 2-yard line. Not even John Elway can work like that.

So there it is: no offense. No defense. No game breakers on either side of the ball. No dazzling kick returners (Brandon Middleton is the worst return man I’ve ever seen in Detroit). No game management skills. No talent, really, to speak of.

Once again, kicker Jason Hanson was the Lions’ MVP, booting two 54-yard field goals to make the game’s outcome close. It’s a sad commentary when the kicker’s combined field goal yardage eclipses that of the running game. And it usually does with the Lions.

Even though I really don’t care much about the Lions anymore — not until I see what they do in the off-season with their front office — I must admit that their not being remotely competitive against even the worst teams in the league is annoying. I mean, go 0-16, but go 0-16 with some degree of fight and dignity.

We laughed at Bobby Ross when he angrily spewed, “I don’t coach that stuff!” after a Lions loss in Arizona. But at least he showed some emotion and some fight. Marinelli’s confused looks on the sidelines and his robotic-like words at his weekly pressers just add to the annoyance. The most spirit he showed was when a reporter asked him if he would ever resign. But he doesn’t seem to get nearly that hyper when it comes to talking about his football team. One of the national pundits had an interesting take last week. He said that Rod Marinelli loves his players too much. Treats them too much like it’s college, where you protect them at all costs and assume that bunker mentality.

I may as well stop now. No sense complaining about a guy who’s on the way out the door.

Brewers A Playoff Team, But Still A Podunk Organization

There was a time when Milwaukee was one of the finest baseball cities in all of America. They made beer there, and they made baseball fans.

There was also a time when there were two big league baseball teams in Boston, until it was decided that Boston wasn’t a city big enough to handle two, after all. So the Braves, the National League entry, packed up its bats and balls and tomahawks and moved west, to Brew Town, in 1953.

And Milwaukee welcomed the Braves with open arms. Little Milwaukee, one of the original American League towns, way back in 1901. Big league baseball didn’t last long in Milwaukee, though; minor league ball took over after just one season. But professional baseball, in various forms, was played in Milwaukee for the next five decades, and so the loyal fan base was thrilled to be a big league city once again in ’53.

This was no pretend, expansion team. These were the Braves, established and talented. Filling out the uniforms were the likes of Hank Aaron, Eddie Mathews, Warren Spahn, and Lew Burdette. They won pennants in 1957 and ’58 and when they didn’t, they were usually finishing second in the years after moving to Milwaukee.

Beer and baseball always was a good combination – Milwaukee just laid it bare, was all.

Yet the Braves were eventually absconded, ripped from the city of Milwaukee and transplanted in the bourgeoning metropolis of Atlanta in 1966. The venerable Mathews went with them, just as he did when the team left Boston for Milwaukee, making him the only Brave to play for the organization in all three cities. An answer to one of the classic trivia questions.

Baseball righted itself after a few years of lunacy, and awarded another MLB franchise to Milwaukee in 1970, when the Seattle Pilots couldn’t answer the bell for their second season. The Pilots became the Milwaukee Brewers – which just happened to be the name of that original AL team of 1901.

The Brewers became a power in the early-1980s, going to the World Series in ’82, where they lost to another beer-and-baseball franchise, the St. Louis Cardinals, who call Busch Stadium home. As in Anheuser-Busch.

Milwaukee has stayed a big league baseball town ever since 1970, even when the product on the field was minor league, which it was for most of the years between 1984-2006.

Then, a renaissance in 2007. The Brewers’ first winning season since 1992. Young talent that was maturing, including lefty slugger Prince Fielder, whose dad cranked baseballs out of Tiger Stadium back in the day.

More winning in 2008, the Brewers threatening to claim their division. When that chance started to fade, there was always that trusty Wild Card – the Champions of Second Place Teams. The Brewers set their sights on finishing in second place, the Cubs clearly about to win the Central Division. But the Brewers’ second place would have to be better than the second place of the East Division, and that of the West Division, if post-season baseball was to return to Milwaukee for the first time since 1982.

This is where the Brewers started to show why they are a Podunk organization playing in a big league town.

With only 12 games left to play in the season, the Second Place Championship slipping away thanks to a frosty September, the Brewers fired their manager, Ned Yost. No team in big league history, Podunk or not, had ever fired a manager that close to the finish line with the playoffs still a distinct possibility. The Brewers made history, but it was bone-headed history.

They promoted coach Dale Sveum (pronounced Swaym) to manage the team through the final 12 games, and, it was hoped, the playoffs. Sveum was a Brewers player, dating back to the final, pseudo-glory years of 1987-88, when the team briefly rose to above-.500 ball. He was a loyal soldier, a Brewer through and through. It was with admittedly mixed emotions that Sveum took over for his fired friend, Ned Yost.

Neither Yost (top) nor Sveum deserved the treatment they received from the Brewers

I wrote at the time that the Brewers, by firing Yost with such little time left in the season, were blatantly exhibiting the panic often displayed by losing organizations that have no clue about winning. It wouldn’t matter, I argued, if the Brewers made the playoffs under Sveum. It was still a dumb move. The team would be making the playoffs despite the firing, not because of it – if they made it at all.

The Brewers made the playoffs despite the move. I wasn’t impressed. Yost should never have been canned that late in the season, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

So Sveum did his part, navigating his team through the rough waters and claiming the Second Place Championship with only 12 games with which to work. The Brewers were back in the playoffs for the first time in 26 years.

They didn’t last long. The Philadelphia Phillies bounced them out of the first round, three games to one. But Dale Sveum jumped in during a ridiculous situation and did what he was charged with doing. No doubt he was looking forward to stating his case for remaining the Brewers’ manager, in the form of an off-season job interview.

Not gonna happen.

The Brewers, almost surreptitiously, announced Friday that when the team goes looking for a permanent – HA!! – manager, Dale Sveum won’t be among those considered. They did so, with the playoffs still in full swing – the news, they hoped, swamped by the baseball still going on.

But I noticed.

The Brewers are still Podunk. They used Dale Sveum, plain and simple – one of their own. A Brewer at heart. They put him into a bad situation, he made the best of it, and now they won’t even sit down with him to discuss the job. They just set themselves back 106 years, when they were a minor league team in 1902.

Yet general manager Doug Melvin, who fired Yost, is receiving a three-year contract extension. Go figure.

The Brewers not only kicked Sveum to the curb, they apparently refuse to even acknowledge what he did. Here’s owner Mark Attanasio: “The team reached a significant milestone by getting to the postseason,” he said, “and this could not have been accomplished without the efforts of Doug Melvin and his staff.”

Oh, REALLY now?

It gets worse. The Brewers coldly added that ruling out Sveum “allows us to widen our search to experienced managerial candidates,” according to the rewarded Melvin.

Sveum told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel that he was shocked when Melvin told him the team decided to look for someone with more experience.

“Basically, my heart was ripped out of my chest,” he said.

The Milwaukee Brewers ought to be ashamed of themselves. First they canned a fine manager in Ned Yost in panic, then threw a dedicated Brewer, Sveum, into the fire they created. Then, after Sveum delivered under stupid circumstances, the team thanks him by not even giving him the courtesy of a job interview, and by not mentioning his name after reaching their “significant milestone.”

It’s bush. It’s crappy. It’s a shocking display of disloyalty. Milwaukee is still a good baseball city, but their team is still Podunk, and apparently always will be, under this clownish ownership.

Way to go, you misguided, ungrateful boobs.

Usually Reliable Glove Of Pena Messed Rays Up In Game 5

I was frustrated beyond belief with Carlos Pena in his final days as a Tiger. He, along with fellow under-achiever Eric Munson, were supposed to be two of the young building blocks around which the Tigers would construct a pennant contender. Each showed potential. But both sagged under the weight of expectations, to the point where I called for the removal of their Tiger stripes, and forthwith.

Munson was gone after the 2004 season, and Pena hung around through most of spring training in 2006, when new manager Jim Leyland had seen enough and released the slugging (at times) first baseman.

Pena’s career looked dead. He hooked up with the Red Sox, but didn’t really get any playing time. Then he ended up with Tampa Bay. Last season, he finally had that breakout season we had been waiting for in Detroit: 46 HR, 121 RBI.

Pena had himself another fine year in Tampa this season, too — and by all accounts his glove was still above average. I didn’t have much to complain about in that area when it came to Pena; I always thought he was a solid first baseman, defensively.

So it’s ironic that it was Pena’s glove that betrayed the Rays last night in the telltale ninth inning of Game 5 of the ALCS.

Most of the blame will be shoved toward rookie 3B Evan Longoria, though.

That’s a shame, because it was Pena who screwed up, really. The play in question was a slow grounder that Kevin Youkilis hit with two out and nobody on base. Longoria raced in, fielded it cleanly, but threw low to Pena. The kind of short-hopped throw that first basemen see all the time. The kind that a 1B knows is low as soon as the thrower releases the ball.

In the many replays that were shown of the play –which started the Red Sox’s game-winning rally — if you looked at Pena’s glove location as the ball skipped toward him, you saw how poorly positioned it was. It was as if Pena wasn’t anticipating a skip at all. He positioned his glove low, scraping the dirt, instead of a few inches higher, in advance of the short hop that he surely must have known was coming. As a result, the ball bounced over Pena’s glove arm, which because of its low positioning wasn’t able to correct itself quick enough to either snare the ball or at least stop it from heading into the stands. Youkilis was awarded second base, and scored on J.D. Drew’s drive to right field. Ballgame.

I don’t pretend to be a baseball expert, but I did play the game as a youth and have followed it for 37 years. And the first time I saw the replay, I caught Pena’s mistake. The play was scored as an infield single, and while some may argue that the hit was being kind to Longoria, the real culprit was Pena. Sometimes a first baseman has to bail his third baseman out. Not every throw is going to be perfect. Especially those made under duress, as Longoria’s was on the Youkilis play.

Carlos Pena is a fine player — now. He still strikes out too much, but his production is finally justifying some of those Ks. But he fouled up the Longoria play last night, and it cost his team the game. Let’s see if he makes up for it in Game 6.

Texans, In Seventh Year, Still Haven’t Graduated From School Of Hard Knocks

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

It took the Tampa Bay Buccaneers four seasons to get respectable. The Seattle Seahawks, just three. The Jacksonville Jaguars and Carolina Panthers were in their respective conference championship games in their second season of existence. The new Cleveland Browns finished over .500 in their fourth year in the league.

We’re still waiting on the Houston Texans.

The Texans joined the NFL in 2002. They beat the established and in-state rival Dallas Cowboys in their first-ever game. But it wasn’t until last year, their sixth, that they were able to manage even a .500 record (8-8 in ‘07).

The Texans whiffed on QB David Carr, who was drafted the same year as Pal Joey Harrington. Part of the reason for Carr’s stunted growth was because he was pile-driven into the turf constantly. Carr set an NFL record for most times being sacked in a season in his rookie year, and it never really got any better. There were times when Carr showed more promise than Harrington, but the team results were the same as in Detroit: double-digit losses were an annual tradition in Houston.

The 1979 Bucs caught lightning in a bottle, making it to the NFC Championship under the leadership of QB Doug Williams and the wit of coach John McKay. The Seahawks of 1978 used a lethal passing combo of Jim Zorn-to-Steve Largent, plus a tough defense, to become an AFC power for the next several years. The Jags used experience on offense and the Panthers did the same on defense to rise to the Final Four in such short order.

The NFL changed, too. In 1976, the way the expansion teams were stocked seems almost cruel compared to today’s method. No extra draft picks. No generous availability of other teams’ players. Just the unwanted dudes — nothing more, nothing less. Old, washed up veterans or under-talented rookie free agents; which would you prefer? That was the choice for the Bucs and Seahawks. So it’s not too surprising that Tampa Bay went 0-26 before winning their first game, but it’s also amazing that they quickly went from that to the NFC Championship just 34 games later.

So what’s with the Texans, whom the Lions visit this Sunday?

Houston isn’t operating under the sadistic 1976 expansion rules. They’ve been able to look at recent history to see how their counterparts in Jacksonville, Carolina, and to an extent, Cleveland have done it.

But as with most expansion teams in their infancy, the Texans’ offense hasn’t been able to catch up with their sieve-like defense. Carr and WR Andre Johnson were never given an adequate offensive line or much of a running back to work with. And their defense, meanwhile, was routinely surrendering 30+ points per game. That may have been understandable at first, but this is year seven and it’s not getting much better. The Texans are 1-4, and have given up 158 points in the process.

Yet they’re minus 8 against the Lions this Sunday. The same Detroit Lions who pre-exist the Texans by 68 years in the NFL. I guess you can’t really blame the Texans for being slow learners in their seventh year of existence when the Lions are in year no. 51 in trying to re-learn how to be a championship team.

Do the Texans have a Curse of David Carr that we don’t know about?

It’s Thursday! So It’s The Knee Jerks! (Episode 3)

Welcome to Episode 3 of The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al. It’s time for my weekly indulgence with my compatriot Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience, which is going all high-brow on us as he joins the MVN. But he’s graced me with his presence anyway.

In this week’s episode, Big Al decries U-M football, both of us weigh in on the Lions’ big trade and the IR’ing of QB Jon Kitna, and we even manage to sneak in a little Red Wings and post-season baseball (just a little, which is good because I clearly got the Dodgers wrong, as you’ll see).

And away we go……

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Eno: It’s Thursday, and that means it’s another rock ‘em sock ‘em episode of The Knee Jerks. I’m Eno, also known as The Historian. He’s Big Al, also known as The Potential Heart Attack Victim. How are you, Big Al?

Big Al: Better than expected, actually. Even though the past weekend definitely wasn’t one of the more pleasant ones for football fans in the state of Michigan.

Eno: What? You mean Michigan State? They won, didn’t they?

Big Al: Sparty? Come on, Eno. You know I’m a Michigan fan! Yes, one of those fans who MSU fans despise, who didn’t go to the school. But come on, lose to TOLEDO? 1-4 TOLEDO? No, I’m not going to lose it. I value my health too much.

Eno: What’s frightening is that Toledo isn’t even one of the MAC’s top teams. Is that loss worse than losing to Appy State last year?

Big Al: It is, in that Appy St. could have beaten more than a few Division I (or whatever the NCAA is calling the BCS conference schools) teams. Toledo is a BAD team. Turns out, the Wolverines are a WORSE team. I knew it was going to be a year of transition, but this?

Eno: OK, what about that? How did the Wolves fall so far, so fast? And how in the HELL did that program end up without a quarterback?

Big Al: I’m not sure who to blame more: Rich Rodriguez for putting all his eggs in the Terrelle Pryor basket, or…I blame RichRod. Not that Pryor did him any favors by stringing him along well past signing day. Rodriguez absolutely has to recruit a freshman QB in 2009 who is capable of running the spread offense to its fullest capabilities. Even then, it’s looking like 2010 before we have a chance to see the Michigan we know.

Eno: OK, I see that there’s already a “Fire R-Rod” web site out there. But at the risk of disturbing the dead, er, the retired – isn’t Rodriguez playing with the deck that Lloyd Carr left for him? How much of this is Carr’s bad recruiting?

Big Al: Some of it is Lloyd Carr’s fault, of course. But we’re talking the powerful Michigan Wolverines, who recruit four and five-star players. You can’t blame Carr for losing QB Ryan Mallett., for example. There is talent there (at Michigan). For whatever reason, that talent isn’t being used to its potential, or it’s not buying into the RichRod program.

Eno: I was thinking about this: the Wolverines are 7-6 in their last 13 at the Big House. So that mystique seems to be gone. How does Rodriguez stand up in front of his players and say, “OK, we’re 2-4 — almost 1-5 — and just lost to Toledo at home. BUT WE’RE STILL MICHIGAN, men!” I mean, does that resonate?

Big Al: Not anymore. Which is why RichRod has his work cut out for him – getting Michigan’s, well, hubris back. But it’s not as if the Big House is one of the more intimidating places to play. I’ve always considered it overrated, and (home to) the quietest 110,000 people you’ll ever hear.

Eno: Well, “transition” is a kind word. But at least Rod has some pedigree. He’s not Gerry Faust, plucked from HIGH SCHOOL to coach Notre Dame. You’re an old geezer like me – remember that? Remember “Oust Faust”? So Rodriguez can probably rebuild this thing; just not right away, or fast enough for the fans or alums.

Big Al: Gerry Faust? The man in so far over his head, he makes Rod Marinelli look competent? I totally agree with you though. I’m not worried about RichRod’s turning the program around. His track record says he will. But you’ll never please Michigan fans, who think 10 wins and a BCS Bowl game appearance is a birthright. There isn’t a fan base in college football who needed a bigger humbling. Forty years of never having a losing season tends to do that to a fan base.

Eno: Here’s a sobering number: Penn State minus 23 against U-M. MINUS 23!!

Big Al: Never thought I’d see the day. With Steven Threet banged up, and RichRod playing a walk on, Nick Sheridan, minus 23 might be on the low side! (Penn State coach) Joe Paterno has to be licking his chops in anticipation of repaying U-of-M for almost a decade of painful losses.

Eno: Well, other coaches said, before the season, “Better get Michigan now, because once Rodriguez starts recruiting, look out.” So others obviously feel he’s up to the task. So, is it safe to say that you won’t be visiting the “Fire R-Rod” web site?

Big Al: Hell, no! I’m not happy, and RichRod deserves to be held accountable to what’s likely to be the worst Wolverines season since Bump Elliott was coach. [Good Lord, there are several generations of Michigan fans who are thinking, “Who in the Hell is Bump Elliott?”] But he also deserves the opportunity to fully implement his program, and that’s going to take time. Down seasons have happened to EVERY national power. It’s just the Wolverines’ turn.

Eno: So, big news, Big Al: The Lions listened to you – imagine that – and traded your man Roy Williams. And, even more, they robbed the Cowboys blind. What gives here?

Big Al: The Lions make a well-thought out, sensible, thinking-about-the-future move? It’s one of the seven signs! The apocalypse is upon us! Up is down, in is out! That’s what gives! Seriously, Martin Mayhew robbed the ‘Boys blind. And then some.

Eno: As I wrote in OOB, Mayhew is still interim, but not as interim as before the trade. Does this make him a player when the Lions go searching for a new front office leader? Or is this just beginner’s luck? Your gut.

Big Al: Even though getting most of the Cowboys’ 2009 draft for a player who wasn’t going to return next season has been universally lauded, you can’t ever forget Mayhew said “I’m a 100% Millen man.” He still needs to go. But knowing the Fords, I’m starting to get the feeling he may stay, along with (coach Rod) Marinelli. When it comes to the Fords, you just never know.

Eno: OMG, you REALLY think so? I’m talking about Marinelli now. You really think Mr. Pound the Rock has a chance of being here in ‘09? Say it ain’t so, Al!! And I mostly agree about Mayhew; I don’t know what on Earth the man was thinking when he made that “I’m a Millen man” remark. Kind of like saying, “I’m a Bush man,” if you’re a Republican!

Big Al: If Mayhew stays, and this is a big “if”, he may feel loyalty to Marinelli. Mainly because trading Williams and IR’ing a vocally-unhappy-about-it Jon Kitna, means the Lions are waving the white flag on the ‘08 season, when Marinelli really has to win games. It’s, in a way, if Marinelli had input on the moves, a selfless act by a head coach on a VERY hot seat. I wouldn’t approve, but knowing how the Lions think (Change = Bad), it’s a possible scenario.

Eno: Well, I must admit that Mayhew (another MM initial guy, btw) showed me something here. He might have some potential as a GM. But if the Lions can get a high-profile, veteran front office type, they need to do that. I’d love to see Mike Holmgren get fed up with coaching in Seattle and be ready to move upstairs – with the Lions, if possible. As for Coach Rod, I think he ought to prepare himself to be d-line coach at Cal or Stanford or something.

Big Al: I agree with you totally. A Holmgren, a Bill Cowher, someone with a name and a winning pedigree is essential to the Lions’ winning back the faith of a wary fan base. I could live with Mayhew staying in the organization (but NOT as GM), as he seems to have a very good reputation in NFL circles, but Marinelli has to go. He just has to. But who in the Hell knows what William Clay Ford is thinking? That’s the wild card in this mess.

Eno: But back to the trade real quick. I think of Roy-Roy as a guy who can excel in a better environment. He was never going to get any better in Detroit; he topped off here. I just hope the Cowboys know that they got themselves a fumbler and a dropper of easy passes, to go along with those occasional spectacular grabs. Guess we’ll never see that Drew Stanton-Roy Williams rapport here. *SIGH*

Big Al: I believe I said in an earlier edition of TKJWTFWEAA that Williams would “blow up” on a good team. With the Cowboys, Roy will have Terrell Owens on the other side of the field, drawing double teams. He’ll make hay, so to speak. But Williams also has issues with focus (re: dropping catchable balls) and diva tendencies (showing up QBs and celebrating 1st downs while three scores behind). The Cowboy fan base, considering what Jerry Jones gave up to get Roy, won’t be very forgiving if Williams pulls some of the stunts in Dallas that he did here in the D.

Eno: Well, it’s a deal good for all parties, really: Williams, the Lions, and the Cowboys – because Jerry Jones says so! As for the other biggish news, QB Jon Kitna is “no longer” as far as 2008 goes, having been placed on IR. Your thoughts? He’s done as a Lion, right? Even though he’s under contract for 2009.

Big Al: Kitna’s done. He’s already burning bridges, having gone to the press, claiming he could play. There must be more to it. If Kitna wasn’t hurt badly enough to miss the rest of the season, why not just demote him to 2nd or 3rd string? Obviously the Lions thought Kitna would become a locker room cancer (if he wasn’t already) if he was no longer starting. We’ll probably never know the entire truth.

Eno: Ahh, so you think they IR’d him as a way of performing cancer surgery? Interesting take. So who’s the QB for 2009, oh sage one?

Big Al: Well, it’s like taking a cleaver when you should have used a scalpel, but a good analogy. As for next season? I want to say Drew Stanton, but his unnecessarily missing a season on IR (in 2007) is still biting the Lions in the proverbial ass. No one knows if he can play. There’s also the fact that if a new GM is brought on board, he may want his own guy under center. The ‘09 starter isn’t on the roster. In other words, it’ll be some veteran free agent.

Eno: Ahh, another Dave Krieg in our future! So, speaking of the Lions, how about those officials in Minnesota on Sunday, eh?

Big Al: You mean the guys wearing stripes who were on the Vikings’ payroll? It was one of the worst officiated Lions games in recent memory. The Lions “wuz robbed!” But bad calls have been abound in the NFL this season. It’s become an epidemic. Maybe it’s time the NFL went to full-time referees, instead of using insurance agents who have the weekend off!

Eno: I felt bad for (CB) Leigh Bodden. He actually played pretty well, then was victimized at the end there. I don’t even know if that ball was catchable. The zebras obviously thought Calvin Johnson didn’t have a chance at his pass near the end zone earlier in the game when Megatron was mugged. Johnson was jobbed, too (later in the game on a fumble call). I thought that Court of Appeals known as the Replay System was supposed to correct the wrongs done on the field.

Big Al: Yeah, right. And the NFL also says reviews are only supposed to take one minute. But as I said on TWFE, bad teams don’t get calls. The Lions have rarely been given the benefit of the doubt by the refs. It’s the same in all sports: good teams and good players get calls. The Lions aren’t good, and their good players are few and far between.

Eno: True that. So what do you make of an NFL QB (Orlovsky) who runs out of the end zone like an electric football player? If Gus Frerotte would have done that, at least he would have run right toward the nearest wall and banged his head against it! Orlovsky didn’t even give a reaction. He just kept running, right to the sideline. Didn’t toss his hands up, didn’t slap himself on the helmet, nothing. It was weird.

Big Al: Maybe Dan-O wanted a hot dog and a beer? I’ve never seen that happen before. Orlovsky just plain didn’t realize where he was on the field. I’ve NEVER seen such a lack of field awareness from an NFL QB – and I use that term loosely.

Eno: At least when Jim Marshall ran the wrong way (for Minnesota in 1964), he was just a dumb old defensive lineman! He can’t hear me, can he?

Big Al: You best hope not! At this point, nothing the Lions do on or off the field will surprise me. Even pulling a “Marshall”.

Eno: Hey, did you see Ty Conklin the other night? If the Red Wings get goaltending like THAT from their “backup”, then there’s no stopping them.

Big Al: Getting Conklin for essentially pocket change may be the best free agent pickup the Red Wings made this past off-season, even bigger than signing Marian Hossa. Just more proof that Ken Holland is the best GM in sports.

Eno: (The Red Wings) are just so much fun to watch, because of their puck possession style. At least once per game they get a goal as a result of tic-tac-toe passing. They’re the anti-Lions. Plop-plop, fizz-fizz. So I’ve been dominating the discussion. Anything else on your mind?

Big Al: I’ve got nothing.

Eno: Well, other than you’re going all hoity-toity on us and moving your act to MVN. I’m glad you’re at least stooping to chat with a serf like me!

Big Al: Well, I’ll always have time for the little people. Just talk to my people, first. You’re no serf, Eno. You’re more like a peasant. Seriously, I’m looking forward to moving to a big network like MVN. It should be fun. I’ll be able to reach out to a bigger audience, and even better, I won’t have to worry about design or the back end stuff. But nothing will change, content-wise. I’ll still hold up my part in being a knee-jerk, profane blogger!

Eno: The thought of you having “people” is terrifying! But good luck with MVN and just don’t forget the people you stepped on, on the way up! One more quickie: who’s winning the World Series this year?

Big Al: Thanks for the kind words! As for the World Series, I’m picking the Phillies. If there is a city that needs a champion, it’s Philly. The (Tampa Bay) Rays fans don’t deserve a title, and don’t get me going on Boston and their elitist, “It’s all about us” fan base. Who’s your MLB pick to click?

Eno: Well, if you wander over to Johnny Grubb and/or OOB (I posted it both places), I roasted the Rays fans. They averaged 22,000 per game – less than 50% capacity and 26th in MLB. That’s pathetic for a first-place team. Take their team away!! I like the Red Sox. They’re battle-tested. The Phillies are the Cubs, plus one. In my mind, 1980 (when the Phillies won the World Series) is the only thing that separates the Phillies from being even WORSE than the Cubbies, who at least have won more than one title in their history. So Bosox in six over….LA. Yep – the Dodgers will rally. Any team (the Red Sox) that has Stephen King rooting for them in the stands is OK in my book – no pun intended. So see you next week, Big Time, I mean Big Al!

Big Al: I’ll be here, Mr. Journalist! See you next week!

Eno: Ah, touche!

Mayhew, Lions Pull Rarity: They Play Robin Hood With The Cowboys

Roy Williams is in a better place. And so are the Detroit Lions.

As Black Sabbath once said, black is really white. The moon is just the sun at night.

The little old lady held up the mugger. The 98-pound weakling just kicked sand in the face of the bully.

The Lions fleeced the Dallas Cowboys yesterday. Lions GM Martin Mayhew donned a mask and pointed a gun at Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, telling him to empty his draft wallet. Then he chained Williams to him and fled into the late afternoon.

A trade wasn’t made here; it was committed. Robin Hood took from the rich.

The Lions, led by Mayhew, who’s trying to shed the “interim” from his title, dumped receiver Williams on the Cowboys. For this, the Lions got a first, third, and sixth-round draft choice in next year’s draft.

Jones must be hard up for pass catchers, ironic on the heels of his prized quarterback going down with an injury. Jones overpaid for Williams, the five-year veteran who’s only made the Pro Bowl once, and who is just as likely to drop an easy pass as he is to make the occasional spectacular catch. But then again, you’d overpay too if someone stuck a gun in your back in an alley, which is kind of what happened here, it appears.

This is one of those trades that’s good for all parties involved. Good for Williams, who I think can be a better player in a better environment; good for the Lions, because of their draft booty (they just need to use the picks wisely); and good for the Cowboys — if only because they’ve convinced themselves that it’s good for them.

“Oh, you got me! You got me good!”


Williams was out of place in Detroit, really. He was a brash, loudmouthed boob who didn’t always have the numbers to justify such verbosity. He was always better suited for a team with other loudmouthed boobs, so he could blend in better. In Detroit he was the sore thumb — a decent receiver who often times yapped better than he played.

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In one trade, Martin Mayhew showed more promise as a football executive than Roy Williams showed as a pass catcher in four seasons with the Lions.
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This wasn’t the place for Roy. He was never going to get any better than we already saw. There was no discernible raising of his game. He wasn’t clutch. He wasn’t all that reliable. He fumbled. Williams was more like the Russian Roulette of receivers: once a round he’d come through; the other times, he fired blanks.

What’s even better is that the Lions knew that Williams had no future in Detroit. I believe all the talk of not moving him unless something “interesting” came up was just a bunch of blather. The Cowboys have been wanting Williams, a Texas native, for a couple years now. Mayhew knew the Lions would hear from them before Tuesday’s trade deadline. And he exhibited the patience and savvy of a more veteran GM in this instance. In one trade, Martin Mayhew showed more promise as a football executive than Roy Williams showed as a pass catcher in four seasons with the Lions.

“I wanna be a Cowboy….” (wish granted)


This deal makes Mayhew a sudden player in the Lions’ grand front office search that will be conducted this off-season. He’s still interim, but he’s not as interim as he was 24 hours ago. The thing the Lions need to do is find out whether this trade was a case of beginner’s luck or evidence of a long-term guy in their midst.

Regardless, this was a trade that usually happens to the Lions, not one that they typically make. The Lions are usually the fleeced, not the fleecers. But they did it all to the Cowboys with this one — taking advantage of a team that was clearly dealing from a point of weakness.

Roy Williams is a Dallas Cowboy now. He’s thrilled, and yet I’m not sure he’s any happier than Mayhew and the Lions, who walked away with their trick-or-treat sack bursting at the seams, leaving Jones and the Cowboys on the sidewalk, wondering what hit them, and also asking, “Who WAS that masked man?”

Where’s The Love For Rays — In Tampa Bay?

I was talking the other day to a colleague of mine in television production. During a lull in our activity, the talk turned to the ongoing MLB playoffs — specifically, the Cinderella Tampa Bay Rays. Neither of us are fans of theirs, it turns out. While he couldn’t really pinpoint the reason why he’s not on the TB bandwagon, I offered a suggestion.

“The fans there don’t deserve a winner,” I said. Plain and simple.

Taking a look at the 2008 MLB attendance figures, my crankiness is borne out.

Of the eight teams that qualified for the playoffs, the Rays are, by far, the worst in terms of home attendance. There they sit, 26th out of the 30 teams, with a hideous total of 1.8 million people. That’s a paltry 22,259 per game.

Tampa — the City That Never Woke Up.

What’s that all about, anyway? The Rays had the second-best record in the American League, on the heels of 10 straight losing seasons. And not just losing seasons, but finishing south-of-the-equator kind of losing seasons. The Rays were a team that was routinely mathematically eliminated when the May flowers started blooming. You’d think that their breakout year of 2008 would have been like pure oxygen to an emphysema sufferer.

But, as Yogi Berra once said, “If people don’t want to come to the ballpark, there’s nothing stopping them.”

Yet, there should have been something stopping them: the Rays provided thrills and chills all summer long — not that their town noticed.

If that’s how you support a first-place team, with barely 22,000 fans per game (less than 50% of its 45,000 capacity), then I say the Rays should pick up their spikes and go somewhere where they give a damn.

Less than half full, on an average? For a team that won 97 games? Past Rays teams would have needed a full season plus most of July of the next to win that many ballgames. Despite the lack of support, the Rays managed to win 57 home games — over 70 percent. When your winning percentage is 20 points higher than your percent of fannies versus capacity, then something’s not right.

I thought something was peculiar this summer when I watched Rays highlights on ESPN. In their home games, all I saw were empty seats in the background.

What was keeping the fans from showing up? Did all the losing make them apathetic? Didn’t the local newspapers and TV stations clue folks in down there that something great was happening?

Twenty-two thousand fans per game is a figure reserved for the dregs of baseball. And sure enough, the spots 28-to-30 are occupied by perennial losers like Pittsburgh, Kansas City, and Florida. You can’t blame those fans for staying home.

It’s a travesty, the lack of support the Rays got in Tampa Bay. The city doesn’t deserve big league baseball. Take the team away from them, as soon as the final out of their season is made. Their stadium, named after an orange juice, should be squished like a carton and eradicated. May as well put something else there, like a Wal-Mart or another retirement home.

Tampa is going to be a great city, once they clear out all the zombies.

Cities that stay home from first-place teams aren’t worthy. There are 26 other teams in MLB that would love to be in the Rays’ position right now; same with their fans.

Someone should nudge the Tampa Bayans awake and let them know that they’re missing a helluva baseball season.

Shame on them, anyway.

Zebras’ Errors Might Have Actually Mattered To Most Any Other Team Than The Lions

Note to NFL officiating crews everywhere: the Detroit Lions are perfectly capable of screwing games up all by themselves — they don’t need any help from you.

The Lions, as you’ve read all over the Internet and in those things that preceded it called newspapers, got jobbed yesterday in Minnesota by the zebras. Twice. And on one of those occasions, the very vehicle that was designed to prevent such malfeasance upheld the mistake that was made on the field.

Why, it might have actually been a travesty, if the Lions were any sort of a football team.

Whether they won in the Metrodome or not — and isn’t it just par for the course that the Vikings thieved another one away from the Lions — wouldn’t have changed, one iota, what happens to the Lions after this season is safely in the books. And if you’re looking for evidence that confirms the suspicion that 0-4 teams are treated more shabbily than others, look no further than yesterday’s game. So Lions fans’ outrage is probably justified, but as I wrote last week, is also just more wasted negative energy.

There’s no real difference between 1-4 and 0-5, is there?

Bad Call No. 1 was the opinion on the field, and upheld in that supposedly just court of appeals in the replay booth, that WR Calvin Johnson fumbled after a key, long pass reception in the fourth quarter. It was one of those calls that you feel better about once you see the video evidence play out on the TV screen.

“Oh, that will be overturned. No sweat,” you say as you venture to the fridge for another pop.

Then you return to the television and see that the court of appeals must be crooked, on the take, or with money on the Vikings. Or all of the above. For the call was confirmed, even though it sure looked like that Johnson had control of the ball when his knee made contact with the turf.

The referee explained afterward that there was no irrefutable evidence that the call on the field was wrong, so he had no choice but to uphold it. Maybe they showed him Tom and Jerry reruns under the hood instead of the actual play. Because had they shown him what we were privy to in the comforts of our own homes and neighborhood bars, then he certainly would have reversed the call.

Bad Call no. 2 was the real killer, though. The phantom pass interference collared on Leigh Bodden — who played wonderfully — late in the fourth quarter that instantly put the Vikings in game-winning field goal range. Not only did Bodden appear to play the pass perfectly with minimal contact, there was a question as to whether the ball was catchable at all. Earlier in the game, the officials let Johnson get mugged but kept the hankies in their pockets, apparently reasoning that Johnson could never have caught a long bomb near the end zone.

Bodden demanded an apology from the NFL, then quickly admitted that such a gesture wouldn’t change a darn thing; Lions lose, whether the league is sorry or not. But they probably aren’t; who cares about 0-5, 31-86 teams?

Then there’s the old adage of, “Well, if we did some things better, those calls wouldn’t matter.”

Bull-oney.

The Lions rushed the passer. They blocked a field goal attempt. They were decent against the run. They broke off a 50-yard run of their own. They didn’t really turn the ball over. They forced two fumbles from Adrian Peterson. They tackled. For long stretches of time, they looked like a pro football team. Yet it wasn’t quite good enough.

At one point, with the Lions threatening to not get blown out for the first time this season, Fox’s Ron Pitts wondered whether the action on the field was a result of the Lions raising their game a level, or the Vikings lowering theirs. Even the announcers don’t give the benefit of the doubt to 0-4 teams.

Again, no big deal in the scheme of things. We’re only talking the difference between 1-15 and 2-14 here, folks. Still, it would have been nice for the guys to have a chance to lose the game on their own, without the nudge from the officials. The way I see it, that bad pass interference call robbed me of discovering Way #564 of how the Lions can lose a football game.

Oh well — there’s always next week.

Where’s The Love For Rays — In Tampa Bay?

(this post also appears at Where Have You Gone, Johnny Grubb?, which will be updated every Monday and Friday during the baseball off-season)

I was talking the other day to a colleague of mine in television production. During a lull in our activity, the talk turned to the ongoing MLB playoffs — specifically, the Cinderella Tampa Bay Rays. Neither of us are fans of theirs, it turns out. While he couldn’t really pinpoint the reason why he’s not on the TB bandwagon, I offered a suggestion.

“The fans there don’t deserve a winner,” I said. Plain and simple.

Taking a look at the 2008 MLB attendance figures, my crankiness is borne out.

Of the eight teams that qualified for the playoffs, the Rays are, by far, the worst in terms of home attendance. There they sit, 26th out of the 30 teams, with a hideous total of 1.8 million people. That’s a paltry 22,259 per game.

Tampa Bay — the City That Never Woke Up.

What’s that all about, anyway? The Rays had the second-best record in the American League, on the heels of 10 straight losing seasons. And not just losing seasons, but finishing south-of-the-equator kind of losing seasons. The Rays were a team that was routinely mathematically eliminated when the May flowers started blooming. You’d think that their breakout year of 2008 would have been like pure oxygen to an emphysema sufferer.

But, as Yogi Berra once said, “If people don’t want to come to the ballpark, there’s nothing stopping them.”

Yet, there should have been something stopping them: the Rays provided thrills and chills all summer long — not that their town noticed.

If that’s how you support a first-place team, with barely 22,000 fans per game (less than 50% of its 45,000 capacity), then I say the Rays should pick up their spikes and go somewhere where they give a damn.

Less than half full, on an average? For a team that won 97 games? Past Rays teams would have needed a full season plus most of July of the next to win that many ballgames. Despite the lack of support, the Rays managed to win 57 home games — over 70 percent. When your winning percentage is 20 points higher than your percent of fannies versus capacity, then something’s not right.

I thought something was peculiar this summer when I watched Rays highlights on ESPN. In their home games, all I saw were empty seats in the background.

What was keeping the fans from showing up? Did all the losing make them apathetic? Didn’t the local newspapers and TV stations clue folks in down there that something great was happening?

Twenty-two thousand fans per game is a figure reserved for the dregs of baseball. And sure enough, the spots 28-to-30 are occupied by perennial losers like Pittsburgh, Kansas City, and Florida. You can’t blame those fans for staying home.

It’s a travesty, the lack of support the Rays got in Tampa Bay. The city doesn’t deserve big league baseball. Take the team away from them, as soon as the final out of their season is made. Their stadium, named after an orange juice, should be squished like a carton and eradicated. May as well put something else there, like a Wal-Mart or another retirement home.

Tampa Bay is going to be a great city, once they clear out all the zombies.

Cities that stay home from first-place teams aren’t worthy. There are 26 other teams in MLB that would love to be in the Rays’ position right now; same with their fans.

Someone should nudge the Tampa Bayans awake and let them know that they’re missing a helluva baseball season.

Shame on them, anyway.

Baseball Playoffs Not As Fun When You Don’t Have To Sneak A Peek

I wasn’t so sure about Mr. Davlin at first, but then in one fell swoop, he had me for eternity.

I owe him a thank you, wherever he is. I pray he’s still with us. He should be; he wasn’t all that old when he taught me in fourth grade, but then again, who knows what teaching those little rascals will do to your health. Besides, I’m no spring chicken myself anymore.

He seemed kind of off-putting at first, but then one October afternoon, he pulled a move that was brilliant in its simplicity – slaying all my dragons instantly.

The Tigers were engaged with the Oakland A’s in the American League Championship Series, a.k.a. the ALCS. It was 1972, just weeks before Richard Nixon was to make mincemeat of George McGovern. Some simple Internet research tells me that the day I became a fan of Ronald Davlin for life was a Thursday – October 12 to be exact.

That was the day that one of the a/v geeks invaded our classroom, rolling in a large television set, on one of those tall, black, industrial-strength carts. It didn’t take me long to put 2 and 2 together.

“My goodness, Mr. Davlin is going to let us watch the Tigers game,” I thought. Or something like that.

Indeed he was.

On came the TV – color, no less – and there were the Tigers, in their creamy white uniforms, taking on the bad guys in their garish Kelly green and yellow monstrosities, duking it out at Tiger Stadium.

This was no ordinary game. It was the deciding Game 5 of the ALCS. The A’s took the first two contests in Oakland, but then the Tigers stormed back, winning Games 3 and 4 in Detroit. Now it was for all the marbles – to play for the right to represent the American League in the World Series, against the Cincinnati Reds.

I don’t think the girls much cared, and maybe not all of the boys, but I was transfixed. It didn’t take much to quiet me down in those days – just something on the tube involving a ball or a puck. If you bump into my mother in Livonia, she’ll tell you.

School let out before the game ended. I hurried home – we lived across the street from Grant Elementary – knowing the Tigers were trailing, 2-1, in the late innings. I remember tossing my books aside and kicking off my shoes and rushing downstairs to turn on the game. I think it was already on. There was a shot of the Tigers dugout, and the looks on the players’ faces weren’t encouraging. The crowd was quiet. It was the ninth inning, and even though the Tigers only needed one run to tie, there was a sense of foreboding.

The A’s held on. There would be no World Series for the Tigers. I might have cried. Maybe.

But it was hardly Mr. Davlin’s fault that his great public relations move turned sour as the afternoon wore on, the Tigers oh-so-close to victory. All is forgiven if you let the kids watch baseball during school hours. That’s one of my rules, unwritten until now.

The comedian/actor Billy Crystal once told of his clandestine autumns while a student in New York’s grammar schools. The Yankees were appearing in one of their many World Series. And young Crystal started making inordinately frequent trips to the bathroom. It didn’t take long for his teacher to figure out Billy’s motives.

“Mr. Crystal,” the teacher finally said, “if you’re going to duck out to check the score of the Yankees’ game, the least you can do is tell the rest of the class who’s winning.”

No need for sneaking out nowadays. No necessity that an a/v geek visit the classroom, rolling in a TV the size of Rhode Island.

They don’t play baseball post-season games in the daytime anymore. Haven’t for years. The closest they’ll come is an occasional 4:35 p.m. start in the AL or NLCS – some two hours after school lets out. Even the working stiffs are about to pack up and go home at that hour.

I recall how much of a novelty the first nighttime World Series game was, in 1971 between Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Isn’t that cute, everyone said. A World Series game at night! As if THAT will ever catch on!

Sadly, it did. Money talks, you know.

Still, I wish Bud Selig’s people at the MLB offices would toss us a bone, and schedule at least one World Series game on a weekday afternoon. For old time’s sake. You wouldn’t even have to roll carts down the halls; the schools have those fancy-shmancy monitors in their classrooms that can have just about anything pumped into them. A push of a button is probably all it would take to beam the game into every classroom in the entire school. And to hell with anyone who doesn’t care to watch the game. Who needs them, anyway? Let them brush their hair or do a crossword puzzle. I have no patience for those types, truth be told.

Not only are today’s World Series games not played during the afternoon, they’re barely played before midnight. Network TV has this fetish of wanting the games – and they’re every bit of three hours long, if not more – to end near the witching hour, for whatever reason. You certainly don’t have to worry about the kids sneaking out of class to check the score, and you really don’t even have to worry that they’ll be awake at all when the games are being played. Since when did baseball become R-rated?

So thank you, Mr. Davlin, 36 years too late. And God bless those a/v geeks, too.

TV giveth, and TV taketh away.

Lolich’s ‘68 World Series One For The Ages

It’s been 40 years to the day, and I think it’ll be 40 more, at least. In fact, it may not ever happen again.

“It” is what Mickey Lolich did for the Detroit Tigers in the 1968 World Series.

On the surface, it might not seem like one of those unbreakable records that are so fun to debate over a cold one and some pretzels. But then you stop to think about it, and it becomes clear: it’s doubtful that anyone will match what Lolich did in ‘68 for the Tigers.

1968 may have been Denny McLain’s year — in the regular season — with his 31 victories and ERA below 2.00. But the WS belonged to Lolich. The portly lefty started three games, completed them all, won them all, and for good measure pitched Game 7 on two days’ rest to save the Tigers’ bacon.

Why is this so impressive? And why is it unlikely to ever happen again?

An enduring image: Lolich leaps into Bill Freehan’s arms after registering the final out of the 1968 Series


First, how many pitchers even start three World Series games in this day and age of five-man rotations? Unless you have some rainouts in there, AND the series goes seven games, you’re unlikely to see three starts by any one pitcher. Then, how many will throw three complete games? That’s even less likely.

Lolich’s numbers were mind-boggling: 27 IP, 20 H, 21 K, 6 BB, 1.67 ERA, 3-0 record. He only allowed two home runs, just one more than he himself hit. It was about the most no-brainer MVP win in Series history.

The story of how Lolich ended up going the distance in Game 7, just three days after throwing nine innings in Game 5, is legendary. Manager Mayo Smith asked Lolich if he could give the team “a few innings” in a Game 7 start. Lolich, with his famous rubber arm, said yes. Then after those “few innings”, Smith asked Lolich, in the dugout, if he could go one more. Lolich said yes. After that inning, the game scoreless with Bob Gibson on the mound for the Cardinals, Smith again asked Lolich for one more inning. And Lolich obliged. Then the Tigers rallied for three runs in the top of the seventh inning, breaking the 0-0 tie. So Smith asked Lolich to finish the game. Lolich, of course, said yes, figuring he had all winter to rest. Lolich suspected that Smith never intended to lift him, and that the “few innings” thing was a ruse from the get-go, not that Lolich minded.

So what do YOU think? Will another pitcher ever match Mickey Lolich’s 1968 World Series performance?

Vikes’ Prayer In 1980 Yet Another Example Of Their Luck Against Lions

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

After 28 years, I’m still not sure who I’m more angry at: the Cleveland Browns, or Ahmad Rashad.

It’s been well-documented here, my hatred for the Minnesota Vikings. It began in the early-1970s, when the Vikes would routinely finish first, the Lions second, and a lot of that was because the Vikings beat them like a drum. From 1968-’74, the Vikings beat the Lions 13 straight times, and some of those games were of the fluky variety. The other frustrating thing was that the Lions actually fielded some pretty respectable teams in those days, yet the Vikings beat them anyway.

The Vikes are off on another “beat Detroit” streak (15 of 17, plus 10 straight at home), but this one isn’t as impressive, or as maddening, because: a) EVERYONE has been on a “beat Detroit” streak lately, and b) the Vikings haven’t really won anything lately, either.

I could recount more than a few weird Lions-Vikings games. There was the one in ‘76 at the Silverdome. I listened to that one on the radio. The Lions were down 10-3 in the waning moments of the fourth quarter. But they were driving for the tying touchdown. The drive seemed like it lasted forever when you’re looking at a radio dial. Then, the Lions finally scored their touchdown, well past the two-minute warning. I could hear the Silverdome crowd go wild.

All the Lions needed to do was kick the extra point, and there’d be overtime.

Well, the Vikings blocked the XP. They were good at blocking Lions kicks. They did it to the Lions in Minnesota a few years earlier, thwarting a potential game-winning FG by Errol Mann.

That’s the way the Vikings would beat the Lions, and other teams: blocked kicks; fumble recoveries; interceptions; and just dumb luck.

In 1980, it got so ridiculous that the Vikings beat the Lions — without even playing them.

It was the “Another One Bites The Dust” year for the Lions — when they got off to a 4-0 start and some of them, full of themselves and giddy, recorded the bastardized version of Queen’s song.

But 4-0 quickly turned to 7-7. Then the Lions won their final two games to finish 9-7. The Central Division was lousy that year; their only real challengers were the Vikings, naturally.

The Vikings were 8-6 after 14 games. But their last two games were against Cleveland, at home, and at Houston — two tough contests. The Lions knew that if they finished 9-7, there’d be a good chance that the Vikings would finish 8-8, giving the Lions the divisional title. The Lions did their part. But the Vikings had some more of that luck of the devil that they were so famous for.

The Browns led them, 23-21. The Vikings had the ball, but they were too far away for a field goal try. There was only one hope: the Hail Mary.

Perhaps you’ve seen the play. And perhaps you weren’t aware of its significance to the Lions until now. QB Tommy Kramer heaved the ball, some 50 yards from the goal line. Several Vikings and Browns ran beneath it. The ball came down and was tipped back into the air — but not very high. Yet just high enough to fall into the lucky arms of WR Ahmad Rashad, who was kind of backpedaling into the end zone when he caught the prayer.

Vikings win, 28-23, to go to 9-6. That win effectively killed the Lions’ chances, because even though the Vikes lost to the Oilers, their 9-7 record was better than the Lions’ 9-7, due to a tiebreaker: the Vikes were 8-4 in the NFC, the Lions were 9-5. The Vikings got into the playoffs by percentage points because of a stupid tiebreaker. Typical.

The Browns didn’t care; they were having an 11-5 season, and the loss to Minnesota didn’t affect them in the least.

The only consolation is that the Vikings got their asses kicked by the Eagles in the playoffs, 31-16.

Oh, and did I mention that Billy Sims suffered his career-ending knee injury in Minnesota?

I’ll always hate the Vikings. Always.

The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno & Al (Episode 2)

Welcome to Episode 2 of The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al, in which yours truly spars and pals with Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience. This is an every-Thursday thing, remember!

In today’s episode, we talk in awe of the Red Wings, wonder about Michael Curry’s job security with the Pistons (already), and Al, of course, manages to rant about the Lions, his favorite team.

Enjoy!

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Eno: Welcome to Episode Two of The Knee Jerks! How long did it take you to recover from Episode 1?

Big Al: I’m still not fully recovered, to be honest. I’m an emotional dude, you know?

Eno: Ya think? I thought you were gonna blow out an aorta over the Lions. Why do you do that to yourself? They’re really not worth it, are they?

Big Al: First off, I appreciate everyone’s concern. I was actually getting emails and comments from readers of TWFE worried about my health! Every year I tell myself I’m not going to get sucked in, then it all goes out the window when the season starts. I know they aren’t worth it, but it’s FOOTBALL!

Eno: Yeah, yeah – half of it is, anyway. The half played by the Lions’ opponents. OK, where do you want to go first? Stay with the Lions or do you have other rants in mind?

Big Al: How about we talk a little Red Wings, as they are totally worth it. The Lions have a team that’s barely semi-pro, and the Wings are sending players to Grand Rapids who would be playing big minutes on most NHL teams! Talk about a contrast. The Wings have an embarrassment of riches, while the Lions are just an embarrassment.

Eno: Yeah, I was in a conference call with Mike Babcock and Kenny Holland Tuesday, and the two of them are like peanut butter and jelly; they work so well together. Babcock sounded literally awestruck by the quality of players he had to “demote” to Grand Rapids.

Big Al: The Red Wings are the best run team in pro sports, bar none. From scouting, to coaching, to ownership, the Red Wings do everything the right way. First class and with smarts.

Eno: Holland started as a scout, you know. And so did Jimmy Devellano. Now they’re even “grooming” scouts. Mark Howe and Patty Verbeek in the pros, and Hakkan Andersson’s European staff is without peer. It’s almost boring to talk about them. Can’t you think of anything to complain about? That’s our job, isn’t it?

Big Al: Exactly. There’s only so much you can say about a championship team that actually IMPROVED over the off season. It’s going to make for a boring regular season, to be honest. The Wings are going to steamroll the rest of the NHL.

Eno: Holland said something interesting. He said out of 82 games, he figures the Wings will play about 70 “playoff” games, because of the bulls’ eye and the parity in the league. And he says to look out for Chicago.

Big Al: The Blackhawks signing away the smartest man in hockey, Scotty Bowman, was the only downside to this past off season. Add his brilliance to the ‘Hawks seemingly having the Wings number in the regular season, and their meetings will be highlights of the NHL season!

Eno: There’s been speculation – and I threw fuel on the fire in Out of Bounds – that Scotty’s not going over there to just be a consultant. In other words, he might have the itch to coach again. You believe any of that?

Big Al: If Bowman was 10 years younger, I would. He’s not getting any younger, though. He could pass for a man 15 years his junior.

Eno: Yeah, he looks great for 75. OK, so how about the new NHL schedule, which allows for more inter-conference games this season? No longer will teams play eight games per divisional opponent.

Big Al: THANK GOD! I missed seeing the Original Six teams. The schedule isn’t perfect, but it’s a start. Don’t get me going on the scheduling though. The Eastern time zone teams playing in the Western Conference is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves in all of sports.

Eno: I’ve said it many times before: put the Original Six in one division and the hell with everyone else. Can you imagine such a thing? At least put the Red Wings in the East, for God’s sakes. Remember when they were gonna move the Penguins? Of course, that was pre-Sidney Crosby.

Big Al: I love the idea of an Original Six division! Too bad it’ll never happen, but we can dream. As for Pittsburgh, I would have felt bad for Pens fans…for about 60 seconds.

Eno: OK, all of us want to know: will the Red Wings follow that “steamrolling” season with another Cup? Yes or no, and why or why not?

Big Al: Yes, and just because. What? “just because” isn’t a good enough reason? The Wings will win because they have the most talented roster, the best head coach in the NHL (Babcock is criminally underrated; he doesn’t get near enough credit), and Nick Lidstrom.

Eno: Ahh, yes, but you know as well as anyone that, believe it or not, that’s not always enough to win in those zany NHL playoffs. The Wings were a fluke goal away from beating Anaheim in ‘07, as far as I’m concerned. They would have beaten Ottawa, too. So in my mind the Wings are going for their third straight Cup – which they WILL get, by the way. I’m loathe to say that now, but the ‘09 Cup will make up for the ‘07 thing and they’ll be back-to-back champs one way or another. Make sense?

Big Al: Total sense. But then again, I’m taking lots of drugs…prescribed by my doctor!

Eno: At least they’re prescribed. OK, so we both agree that there’ll be another Cup in Detroit. Fine. But switching gears to the court, is Michael Curry the right man for the Pistons at this time?

Big Al: If he’s not, I’m sure the Pistons themselves will let us know. They have had a great time in camp throwing Flip Saunders under the proverbial bus. Curry is already scoring points in my book by moving Antonio McDyess back to the sixth man role, and putting the baby-eating man-child known as Amir Johnson into the starting lineup.

Eno: It’s funny with NBA coaches. First you hire a nice guy (George Irvine) then you hire a not-so-nice guy (Rick Carlisle) then you hire a tactician (Larry Brown) then you hire another nice guy (Flip Saunders) then you hire a not-so-nice guy (Michael Curry). Then, when Curry gets the ziggy, they’ll need a nice guy again. And on and on.

Big Al: Win 50 games, get the ziggy! A Pistons head coach has the life expectancy of a fruit fly, so I wish Curry luck. He’s going to need it when dealing with the forceful personalities/head cases on the Detroit roster.

Eno: You got that right. Joe Dumars has a fetish for canning them after 2-3 years, on schedule. Where’s Chuck Daly, the master of dealing with Type A personalities? I thought it was kinda funny how the players, especially Rip Hamilton, trashed Flip. Didn’t hear that when they were going 35-5 in his first year, or after winning Game 2 in Boston. Hmmm….. Anyhow, your surprise team in the NBA this year? Or do you not care enough to give me one?

Big Al: Huh? What sport are we talking about? Oh yeah, the NBA. Surprise team? Toronto. Why? I LOVE Chris Bosh. Damn you DARKO (Milicic)! Bosh could have been a Piston! *shakes fist at sky*

Eno: That’s not bad. Mine may not be a surprise, but I say look for New Orleans in the NBA Finals. They added James Posey. What else ya got on your agenda?

Big Al: TRADE ROY WILLIAMS! TODAY!

Eno: Aha! I KNEW you’d work a Lions rant in there sooner or later! OK, smarty pants, where? For what? What’s he worth anymore? Even Roy says he’s good for a third rounder and that’s about it. And wouldn’t it be JUST LIKE the Lions to trade from a position of weakness?

Big Al: At this point, I’d be happy with a first day draft pick and a six-pack of Gatorade. Williams isn’t coming back in ‘09, and he’s not worth a franchise tag. If I’m (Lions GM) Martin Mayhew, I’m calling Jerry Jones in Dallas every five minutes.

Eno: Do they NEED a WR in Dallas?

Big Al: Not really. And I know Jones told the media he wasn’t making any trades. But you put Williams on a good team, where he wouldn’t have to be the number 1 receiver? Roy would blow up – when he wasn’t dropping passes, that is.

Eno: OK, we gotta wrap this up. I might open up a can of worms here, but…can you muster up a little shout out for the Detroit Shock, oh Mr. “I Hate Womens Sports” Guy?

Big Al: I felt bad for them. Really! The Shock had to play at EMU, about 500 people showed up for their celebration, and most of Detroit didn’t even know they were playing in the WNBA Finals. If their title proved one thing, it’s that Bill Laimbeer is ready for an NBA job. But good for the Shock. Congrats from this misogynistic blogger.

Eno: Wow! The Upset of the Century! OK, Big Guy…in the words of Groucho Marx: “I’ve had a lovely evening. But this wasn’t it.” No, seriously – had a great time and I’ll see ya next week.

Big Al: As Groucho says, “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana!” It’s been real, Eno! See ya next week; same bat time, same bat channel!

Babcock, Players Eager To Start Defending Stanley

Mike Babcock said it as if he needed to remind all of us.

“It’s hard to win the Stanley Cup,” the Red Wings coach said. “It was hard to win it last year, and it’ll be hard to win it again this year.”

But, contrary to what is sure to be trendy belief, it won’t necessarily be because of the so-called “Cup hangover” that sometimes inflicts the defending NHL champions.

Babcock and GM Ken Holland were speaking in an NHL-coordinated media conference call yesterday afternoon, and as usual when anyone from the Detroit organization sits down to talk hockey, the event takes on an almost professorial/student tone.

One of the themes was how Babcock would approach his job this season. Because what inevitably comes after you win the Cup for the first time as a coach is coaching a Cup-defending team for the first time. When the media merry-go-round stopped at me, I asked Babcock about it — wanting to know if he’d spoken to anyone in the league, including Scotty Bowman, in a tone of, “What do I do NOW?”

But lest I forget, these are the Red Wings, and that means there is no shortage of champions to seek out for advice.

So Babcock talked to Nicklas Lidstrom. He talked to Steve Yzerman. He talked to Kris Draper. And he talked to Bowman. And he spoke to some people from other orgs, like Ron Francis and Jim Rutherford of the Carolina Hurricanes, Cup champs in 2006.

“I asked everyone I possibly could. The list goes on and on,” Babcock said.

“I’m a big believer in each year is different, and I don’t think there’s much carry over from year to year anyway,” Babcock said. “We have a great opportunity here. This is our big chance. We don’t know when a chance will come this good again. I hear Kenny talk about next year (when the Red Wings have to make some tough decisions based on impending free agents), and so I’m already nervous about next season.”

Earlier, Holland had spoken about a “one-year window”, referring to the addition of superstar forward Marian Hossa as a free agent. Hossa signed a one-year deal in July. And that accounted for Babcock’s nervousness. But there shouldn’t be any nerves shown by his players.

“We’re in shape. We’re ready to go. The players know what kind of an opportunity we have. I’m excited about this year, and so are our players, so let’s get at it.”

It almost made me want to lace on some skates.

Holland said, to give an idea about how the Red Wings will wear the bulls eye this season in an era of parity, “I figure out of 82 games, about 70 of them will be playoff-type games. I figure there might be 10-12 games where it’ll be decided after the second period — either we’re out of it or we have the game put away. But beyond that, I think the other 70 games will be like playoff games — going down to the last three or four minutes.

“And that’s before the playoffs even start,” he added.

Babcock figures to need all of the depth at his disposal under such a scenario — depth that he put into perspective this way.

“This is easily the best group of players I’ve ever sent to the minors. Ever,” he said of the moves that sent forwards Ville Leino and Darren Helm to Grand Rapids.

For the record, Holland says he’s trying to trade defenseman Kyle Quincey, but he won’t rush a deal. The Wings have some time, with Darren McCarty, Chris Chelios, and goalie Jimmy Howard all starting the season on injured reserve.

“We can start the season without any moves, but when our people get back (from IR), we’ll have to make some decisions,” Holland said.

Someone asked Holland if the Red Wings would be interested in power forward Brendan Shanahan, who’s an unrestricted free agent.

“We’re so close to the cap,” Holland said. “Not unless Brendan wants to play for the minimum salary.” Then he added, laughing, “I don’t anticipate that happening.”

I don’t, either.

Dodgers-Phils NLCS: One Team HAS To Win, Right?

Where’s Mike Schmidt? Rick Monday? Steve Carlton? Anyone see Davey Lopes running around anywhere?

Ahh, the Dodgers and the Phillies. For the National League Pennant. Just like they did when the disco balls were still spinning.

It’s a battle now between two franchises who are both fragile and with chips on their shoulders. The Phillies haven’t won the whole enchilada since 1980, and were World Series losers in 1983 and ‘93. The Dodgers were last world champs 20 years ago, and only just the other night won their first post-season series since then.

Two Rodney Dangerfields about to clash in the NLCS.

The Phillies and their fans are certainly used to this kind of a drought. Before the ‘80 championship, which is their only one in franchise history, the Phils hadn’t been to a WS in 30 years. Their existence has been mostly pock-marked with stumbling and losing. The Dodgers, on the other hand, are having trouble abiding this 1988-2008 thing. Theirs was once an organization synonymous with winning — even if it meant eventually losing in the WS to the Yankees.

I don’t think Dodgers fans could have imagined that the Kirk Gibson-led team of 1988 would be the last one to sip champagne for two decades.

Yet the Dodgers still managed to trump the Lovable Losers, AKA the Chicago Cubs, in the NLDS. The baseball gods finally gave the Dodgers a team they could beat in October.

The Phillies have jobbed the Mets two years in a row in the NL East, but it still doesn’t make up for blowing the 1964 pennant. You know, the year they lost ten in a row in the season’s final days and committed the worst self-larceny in baseball history.

Someone once asked Gene Mauch, who managed the ‘64 Phils, if he ever thought about that blown pennant. This was decades later.

“Every day,” was Mauch’s reply.

Most of you know that I don’t do predictions. Not my style. Plus, I’m usually pretty lousy at it. But SOMEONE has to win this thing. SOMEONE has to have a chance to exorcise their WS demons, representing the National League.

So, Dodgers in six. Or maybe the Phillies in seven. Dodgers in six-and-a-half? Phillies in eight? I have no idea. But one of these teams can’t lose. And neither of them have been in that position in quite some time, if ever.

Lions’ Big Top Full Of Yuks And Side-Splitting Escapades

My goodness, what will Peyton Manning do to them? Or Jake Delhomme? Or Kerry Collins?

The Lions are mostly a G-rated team, for isn’t that the category under which you’d place the circus? They’re real knee-slappers, those Lions are. Steve Sabol and his NFL Films people need only capture the Lions’ games, no one else’s, on celluloid for their next “Football Follies” special.

You’ve seen the outtakes before. Look! The quarterback fades back to pass, and throws the ball, and … nobody’s there! Ha ha! Isn’t that funny? Or lookie there — the Bears’ quarterback fades back to pass, and throws the ball, and … nobody’s there — from the other team, that is. Or how about this? The Lions win a challenge, keep the football after a near-fumble, then throw a pick six almost immediately thereafter! And here’s another B-list QB — Kyle Orton — having a “career day.” All while that calliope music plays. You can practically smell the elephant ears and the caramel apples.

Stop, stop — you’re killing me!

Some things automatically elicit laughter, just on their mere mention.

A beleaguered stand-up comic only need to mention Cleveland, or Hoboken, and he’ll get some cheap laughs. Military intelligence.

The Detroit Lions!

I’m doubled over right now, convulsing in laughter.

Listen to the starting wide receiver bellyache about not getting the ball enough! Now watch as the QB throws it to him, as requested, and — the receiver drops it! Now hear the receiver tell everyone afterward that the Lions are 0-4 but “are better than that.”

Yes sir — step right up and listen to the head football coach spew cliches and talk about watching film and say things like, “The execution wasn’t there,” and “I don’t live for the future”, and “It’s on me.” Just pull the string — six different catch phrases will play randomly, for your listening pleasure!

Guaranteed laughs, folks! Watch the funny, funny football team fall behind 21-0! 21-3! 31-0!

It’s a laugh riot — so why do some people wear such sour pusses?

My friend Big Al over at TWFE — he’s taking it so personally! The Lions are killing him, when they should be tickling his ribs, as they do with me.

But I forgive Big Al, for he obviously hasn’t made the metamorphosis. He still is fighting to get out of the cocoon. Once he makes it out, he’ll be a much happier man. Also guaranteed.

I’m free. Liberated. The Lions cannot hurt me any more. I revel in this, I really do. They’ve lost me — at least for now, and it’s exhilirating. My Sundays are no longer ruined. My Mondays are happier, too. Mainly because I get to laugh at not only the Lions, but at all the poor saps who still live and die with this group of stiffs.

How can you get mad at a team when they clearly have no talent? How can you scold them when they do not know what they do? It’s like yelling at a toddler for spilling the apple juice.

I finally realized that this season, after the opening loss in Atlanta. I don’t care anymore. I hope the Lions go 1-15, or even 0-16. I could use laughs all the way through December, what with the pressures of the holiday season descending.

One reason I’m so insulated is because I know that the more the Lions lose, and the worse they lose, it’s another nail being pounded into the Rod Marinelli coffin. Just more assurance that the Eno Plan will continue and Marinelli will be gone, and the Lions might have the no. 1 overall draft pick, under a regime that just might know what to do with it.

A fresh start!

The Lions are funny. I’m serious — they’re funny. Come on — you know it’s true. I remember the 2-14 seasons of 1979 and 2001, and the 3-13 years of 2002 and 2006, and I’m telling you that those teams could wipe up the floor with this bunch.

The 2008 Lions are simply outrageous. Hilarious.

The quarterback? That’s a good one — next?

The running backs? Mediocre at best.

The offensive line? I’m giggling again, stop it.

The receivers? You mean the guys with mini-trampolines inside their jerseys that cause the football to bounce off them all the time? That was REALLY clever, whoever came up with that contraption.

The defensive line? The guys who treat the opposing quarterback like he’s made of nitroglycerin?

The defensive backs and linebackers? You mean the bunch who couldn’t create a turnover even if you gave them a Pillsbury can and the doughboy for instruction? Those guys are pretty funny too, real cut ups.

The kick returners? My sides are hurting, PLEASE stop!

So why is everyone screaming and carrying on and getting all mad and stuff?

The Lions are high schoolers playing in the National Football League. What do you expect?

Laugh. It’s the best alternative to crying.

Ho-Hum – Another NHL Regular Season That Needs To Be Suffered Through In Detroit

They’re about ready to start another National Hockey League season. Or, as it’s known around these parts, the Playoffs Pre-season.

They’ve become 82-game annoyances, these NHL regular seasons for the Red Wings. But they play them, because the contract says so and players’ stats need to be updated and Mike Ilitch needs to pay for everything, after all.

That, and it gives folks a halfway decent shot at seeing their team play in person without having to break into their 401-(k)s and other investments.

Chris Chelios once told me as much.

It was a couple springs ago, the playoffs finally ready to start. Another 82-game annoyance over and done with, the Red Wings somehow able to stay interested enough to ring up another of those sparkling regular season records. You know the kind: 50+ wins, not that many losses, few goals against, lots of goals for. Tons of points. The usual.

We were allowed into the Red Wings’ inner sanctum as they peeled off their gear after the last practice before the Real Deal – the playoffs – began. I settled next to Chelios, and he started telling me of the boredom he just had to work through from October to mid-April.

“I’m not really much of a regular season guy,” he said. “The playoffs are what I live for.”

If those sound like the words of some sort of hockey snob who’s only mostly known success, then sue him, for Chelios at the time was 45 and I can understand his having his fill of games in Columbus or Minnesota in January. Nothing like Hockeytown in the springtime.

“It’s nice to have all the wins and get the points,” Chelios continued as he tossed the sweaty stuff into a nearby pile that was growing exponentially by the minute. “But these are the playoffs now. New season.”

And this – more of the usual: “I think we have a really good team. I’ll put this team up against any.”

You can pretty much take those last two sentences and apply them to any one of the Red Wings’ previous 14 seasons to this one.

It’s all about winning Stanley Cups in Detroit nowadays. It used to be about making the playoffs. Before that, it was about not doing anything too terribly embarrassing.

They used to say the same about Montreal: win the Cup or else. The “or else” part was pretty reliable. Despite all their success, the Canadiens were never shy to change coaches, especially after Scotty Bowman left in 1979. Most of the coaches had French names befitting the Quebec city. But their heritage didn’t help them if they didn’t deliver. They have words for “throw the bum out” in the French language, too.

But the Canadiens haven’t been Cup champions since 1993, when our old friend – and Frenchman, natch – Jacques Demers guided them to the chalice. I’ve complained about the Hockeytown moniker for Detroit, truth be told, because I don’t know how you can lay claim to that when you’re still far, far behind the Canadiens in terms of Stanley Cups won. But the marketing suits started that jazz up in the mid-1990s, it caught on, and the city’s hockey fans seized on the title. So we’re Hockeytown in Detroit – but only lately. I still don’t think two good decades following three bad ones gives you that status, but whatever.

Yet I’ll say this: every year since 1993, and I mean every year, the Red Wings go into the playoffs as a legitimate Cup threat. They might not always get out of the first round, but the pre-playoff expectations are there. And they’re deserved. In any given year, you really can’t come up with more than one or two teams that would seem, on paper anyway, to have a better shot at winning the whole deal than the Red Wings.

The great Wings teams of the 1950s didn’t have that long of a stretch of championship contention. Neither did the Lions’ near-dynasty of the same decade.

In other cities, you’ll find a handful of teams who can rival the Red Wings’ current streak. The Canadiens of the 1950s, ‘60s,and ‘70s had good runs in each decade. The Yankees in baseball, of course, throughout the 20^th and 21^st centuries. The Celtics of the 1950s and ‘60s.

These are times that you should tell your children about, and their kids.

“I remember when the Red Wings, every year, had a legitimate shot at the Stanley Cup,” you can tell them as they gaze up to you, wide-eyed – for who knows what state the hockey team will be in at that point. “Yes sir. If they didn’t win the Cup, the season was considered a failure.”

From Ilitch to GM Ken Holland to coach Mike Babcock, they all know the drill: the Red Wings exist to win Stanley Cups. Some teams bravely talk like that. The Red Wings just do it.

Our other teams have played at being champions for brief times. The Lions won a few in the ‘50s. The Pistons have won three since 1989. The Tigers have sprinkled their four World Series triumphs over 73 years. All have had decent runs of respectability and peripheral contention.

But the babies who were in diapers the last time the Red Wings were playoff outsiders are now graduating high school. We’re in danger of rearing an entire generation who’s never known anything BUT playoff hockey in Detroit. The horror of it all!

So what did the Red Wings do within weeks of winning their fourth Stanley Cup in the past 11 years? They simply went out and snagged one of the stars from their vanquished Finals opponents – Marian Hossa of the Penguins – and signed him to a one-year deal, staying under the salary cap, somehow. The rich got richer.

“I come to Detroit to win a Stanley Cup,” Hossa said before the ink dried on the contract.

Don’t they all?

Yes, Virginia: There IS No Cubs World Series

(the following was also posted at Where Have You Gone, Johnny Grubb?)

“Billy Goat” Sianis isn’t dead after all. Black cats are still prowling around. Steve Bartman’s invasive, sticky fingers are still leaving prints.

The futility of Steve Swisher and Ernie Broglio and Larry Biittner have returned.

Charlie Brown still can’t kick the football. Wile E. Coyote just fell off another cliff. The Italian Army still stinks. And so do the Cubs.

The Chicago “97 Wins” Cubs. The Chicago “Going to end the 100-year drought” Cubs. The Chicago “This is the year” Cubs.

No, The Same Old Chicago Cubs.

The Cubs are on the verge, again, of disappointing in the post-season. Check that. They’ve past the verge and are falling down an endless flight of stairs. I haven’t seen a town’s hopes dashed so quickly since the Redskins hired Steve Spurrier.

The Cubs are down 0-2 to the Los Angeles Dodgers in the first round of the National League playoffs, also known as the NLDS — which up to this point had stood for No LA Dodgers Success. Not only are the Cubs down 0-2, they’re down 0-2 in bombastic fashion. They’ve laid ostrich-sized eggs two nights in a row in front of their tormented faithful: 7-2 and 10-3. This isn’t a playoff series, it’s a wake.

Oh, this wasn’t supposed to happen, was it? Weren’t the Cubs, those lovable losers, supposed to be shedding that label in 2008? Wasn’t this group supposed to be different from all the other Cubs teams?

97 wins!

The best record in the National League. By far. Steamrolled to the Central Division title. The esteemed and battle-tested Lou Piniella as their manager.

Oops! Wait a minute.

About Piniella: wasn’t he the skipper of the 2001 Seattle Mariners who won 116 games in the regular season and went poof in five games in the ALCS to the Yankees, who won but 95 — and only after the M’s squeaked by the Indians in the ALDS, who won just 91?

Yep, that’s him.

The Cubs ended the regular season by clinching their division with more than a week to play. Piniella had all that time to get everything just the way he wanted it, from the pitching rotation to the lineup. And did I mention that the Dodgers won all of 84 games this season? See a trend here with Sweet Lou?

Now, I know Piniella didn’t boot the ball around Wrigley Field, or throw all those gopher balls in Games 1 and 2. But, hey, who said life is fair? Lou won the 1990 World Series in upset fashion as manager of the Reds, and that’s been his last hurrah in the dugout.

The Cubs are going down. Again. No World Series. Again. The championship-less drought starts a new century — 101 years and counting.

Didn’t they learn anything from the 2004 Boston Red Sox when it comes to smashing history into pieces?

I saw some images on the Internet of the looks of shock and sadness on the faces of Cubs fans in Wrigley from the past couple of nights. Shades of 2003. And of 1989, and 1984, and 1969. And might as well include 1945 and 1935 in there as well — even though the Cubbies actually made it to the WS in those two years.

October, 1908 — the Cubs’ last WS victory.

Roosevelt was president — Teddy Roosevelt. The first Model T had its last screw tightened just a couple weeks earlier. There wasn’t even a World War I yet. Civil War vets were still living. Baseball fans would have included folks who remembered when Lincoln was president.

Just remember that, Lions fans — next time you bellyache about not having an NFL champion since 1957. The Cubs’ streak of futility makes the Lions’ look like a two-week vacation in the Bahamas.

So the 2008 Cubs will soon be no more. It might happen tomorrow night in Game 3, or the next night in Game 4. Or, to REALLY put the icing on the cake, maybe the Cubs will fail miserably by WINNING Games 3 and 4 and succumbing in Game 5 in front of their straitjacket-ready fans.

So Lucy gets to keep pulling the ball away. The Roadrunner gets to keep “beep-beeping” and leaving the Coyote in the dust. And the Italian Army still stinks.

Cubs Lose! Cubs Lose!

Yes, Virginia: There IS No Cubs World Series

“Billy Goat” Sianis isn’t dead after all. Black cats are still prowling around. Steve Bartman’s invasive, sticky fingers are still leaving prints.

The futility of Steve Swisher and Ernie Broglio and Larry Biittner have returned.

Charlie Brown still can’t kick the football. Wile E. Coyote just fell off another cliff. The Italian Army still stinks. And so do the Cubs.

The Chicago “97 Wins” Cubs. The Chicago “Going to end the 100-year drought” Cubs. The Chicago “This is the year” Cubs.

No, The Same Old Chicago Cubs.

The Cubs are on the verge, again, of disappointing in the post-season. Check that. They’ve past the verge and are falling down an endless flight of stairs. I haven’t seen a town’s hopes dashed so quickly since the Redskins hired Steve Spurrier.

The Cubs are down 0-2 to the Los Angeles Dodgers in the first round of the National League playoffs, also known as the NLDS — which up to this point had stood for No LA Dodgers Success. Not only are the Cubs down 0-2, they’re down 0-2 in bombastic fashion. They’ve laid ostrich-sized eggs two nights in a row in front of their tormented faithful: 7-2 and 10-3. This isn’t a playoff series, it’s a wake.

Oh, this wasn’t supposed to happen, was it? Weren’t the Cubs, those lovable losers, supposed to be shedding that label in 2008? Wasn’t this group supposed to be different from all the other Cubs teams?

97 wins!

The best record in the National League. By far. Steamrolled to the Central Division title. The esteemed and battle-tested Lou Piniella as their manager.

Oops! Wait a minute.

About Piniella: wasn’t he the skipper of the 2001 Seattle Mariners who won 116 games in the regular season and went poof in five games in the ALCS to the Yankees, who won but 95 — and only after the M’s squeaked by the Indians in the ALDS, who won just 91?

Yep, that’s him.

The Cubs ended the regular season by clinching their division with more than a week to play. Piniella had all that time to get everything just the way he wanted it, from the pitching rotation to the lineup. And did I mention that the Dodgers won all of 84 games this season? See a trend here with Sweet Lou?

Now, I know Piniella didn’t boot the ball around Wrigley Field, or throw all those gopher balls in Games 1 and 2. But, hey, who said life is fair? Lou won the 1990 World Series in upset fashion as manager of the Reds, and that’s been his last hurrah in the dugout.

The Cubs are going down. Again. No World Series. Again. The championship-less drought starts a new century — 101 years and counting.

Didn’t they learn anything from the 2004 Boston Red Sox when it comes to smashing history into pieces?

I saw some images on the Internet of the looks of shock and sadness on the faces of Cubs fans in Wrigley from the past couple of nights. Shades of 2003. And of 1989, and 1984, and 1969. And might as well include 1945 and 1935 in there as well — even though the Cubbies actually made it to the WS in those two years.

October, 1908 — the Cubs’ last WS victory.

Roosevelt was president — Teddy Roosevelt. The first Model T had its last screw tightened just a couple weeks earlier. There wasn’t even a World War I yet. Civil War vets were still living. Baseball fans would have included folks who remembered when Lincoln was president.

Just remember that, Lions fans — next time you bellyache about not having an NFL champion since 1957. The Cubs’ streak of futility makes the Lions’ look like a two-week vacation in the Bahamas.

So the 2008 Cubs will soon be no more. It might happen tomorrow night in Game 3, or the next night in Game 4. Or, to REALLY put the icing on the cake, maybe the Cubs will fail miserably by WINNING Games 3 and 4 and succumbing in Game 5 in front of their straitjacket-ready fans.

So Lucy gets to keep pulling the ball away. The Roadrunner gets to keep “beep-beeping” and leaving the Coyote in the dust. And the Italian Army still stinks.

Cubs Lose! Cubs Lose!

Butkus’s Violent Tendencies Not Necessarily Limited To The Football Field

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

There are some names that could only be attached to men who played football.

Steve Stonebreaker. Johnny Blood. Bronco Nagurski.

And, Dick Butkus.

Could Butkus have done anything else?

Just say the name, and you instantly get taken back to a muddy Wrigley Field or Tiger Stadium or Lambeau Field. Images pop up of bloodied, taped knuckles and steams of breath billowing from behind face masks. Goal posts on the goal line. Straight-on kickers.

Oh, and clothesline tackles. And a deep, genuine intent to hurt the opponent. And to fluster him.

The Lions center Ed Flanagan had trouble with Butkus, the great Chicago Bears MLB from 1965-73. Specifically, Butkus would not only yap at Flanagan and the other Lions o-linemen prior to the snap, but no. 51 would sometimes spit — directly on Flanagan’s hand just before he hiked the football.

Butkus joined the Bears in ‘65 out of the University of Illinois — a local kid who played football one way, and one way only: to search and destroy. Now, the colleges have an award named after him, celebrating the nation’s top linebacker.

But it wasn’t Butkus who gained the most notoriety among the Bears’ rookies in 1965. That was reserved for a jitterbug running back from Kansas named Gale Sayers.

Early in his pro career, NFL Films interviewed Butkus. Dressed in street clothes, sitting down in front of one of those black, infinite backgrounds, Butkus was asked about his penchant for violence. Until then, it was presumed that his tendencies were reserved for the football field. But maybe not, judging from his answer.

“I think one of my favorite scenes in movies was this one where this guy’s at the top of the stairs, and he gets his head cut off,” Butkus said, as his mouth curled into a smirk. “Watching that head rolling down the stairs…kind of gave me a jolt. I kind of liked that, watching that head roll down the stairs like that.”

Umm….OK.

From that point on, it wasn’t exaggeration to wonder about Butkus’s sanity — which gave him even more of an edge on the field, of course.

“Butkus didn’t just want to tackle you — he wanted to kill you. I really believe that,” former running back Alex Hawkins was caught saying on another NFL Films piece.

Butkus was perfect for the Bears, and for Chicago. He helped keep up the tradition of “The Monsters of the Midway” — Bears teams known for their tough-as-nails defenses. And Bears fans loved him, because he was one of them — an Illinois kid who they’d been watching for several years on campus. Since a lot of the Bears teams Butkus played on weren’t very good — the ‘69 team went 1-13 — he (along with Sayers) was one of the few reasons to even watch the Bears play.

Portrait of a killer, er, middle linebacker: Dick Butkus


So it was eerily ironic that it was Butkus who was first on the scene in the only on-field fatality in NFL history.

I’m talking about the Lions’ Chuck Hughes, of course — on October 24, 1971 at Tiger Stadium. Shortly after Hughes collapsed, Butkus saw that something was wrong and frantically waved to the Lions’ sideline for medical help. Because of his surly, violent reputation, there were even some folks who initially thought Butkus himself had done something to Hughes to cause the receiver’s distress.

Like his draft mate Sayers, Butkus’s career was hampered by bad knees. The amount of time that Butkus played through pain late in his career was far more than when he was healthy. The pain and the poor condition of his knees finally forced him to retire after just nine years in the league.

I always wondered why Butkus, who pursued an acting career after playing, was never asked to be a part of Monday Night Football. Maybe he was, and turned them down. Regardless, I think he would have been terrific in the booth — a lot better than some of the boobs they put in there instead over the years.

A few years ago, Butkus coached a high school football team, the chronicle of which aired on an ESPN series called Bound for Glory.

Butkus has a website, which I highly recommend that you check out. Lots of good stuff. You can visit it by clicking HERE.

The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno & Al (Episode 1)

As promised, here’s the first installment of what Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience and I hope will be a long-running feature every Thursday.

The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno & Al will be a weekly gabfest with yours truly and Big Al, the transcript of which we will post every Thursday on our respective blogs.

Enjoy!!

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Eno: So, Big Al….lots to talk about in our first edition of The Knee Jerks, eh?

Big Al: For a couple of Detroit teams flailing about, the Tigers and Lions, they are making more than their fair share of news.

Eno: Let’s start with Tigers manager Jim Leyland and his very public discontent with his contract status…..

I wrote on Johnny Grubb that I don’t know where it says that a team has to keep a manager or a coach signed beyond the year that’s current. What do you think of this “lame duck” stuff that everyone always wants to talk about?

Big Al: For a manager who has been around the block several times, and still appears to have the team’s attention, claiming to be a “lame duck” is a bit much. The only thing this may affect is finding a pitching coach.

Eno: True that. But here’s your “vote of confidence”, which Mitch Albom says is lacking here: YOU STILL HAVE A JOB!! And a contract, through 2009. There’s your confidence. I don’t know why you need more than that.

(pause)

Big Al: I’m sorry, I was having a moment of silence for Chuck Hernandez… To continue, it’s also worth noting the Marlboro Man turned down a longer-term deal a year ago. I thought he wanted to go year by year? Maybe the price of smokes has cut into his budget for 2010.

Eno: Well, I KNOW that you’re old enough to remember Walter Alston….and Walt signed 23 straight one-year contracts to manage the Dodgers. Didn’t seem to bother him, or the team.

Big Al: Not one bit. It’s not as if the Tigers are an overly young team either. Most of the current roster has seen all this posturing before. If Leyland’s contract status bothers the team that much, then they weren’t all that mentally stable to begin with.

Eno: So what do you make of Leyland going public like this? Do you think it’ll fracture his relationship with (GM) Dave Dombrowski, and/or (owner) Mike Ilitch?

Big Al: For it to have blown up into the mini-controversy it’s become, there had to have been tension brewing for quite some time. I’d bet most of the pressure is coming from the Pizza Man, as Dombrowski and Leyland have been tight for years. If I dropped $138 million, I’d be wanting a little accountability too.

Eno: Yeah, that’s a lot of dough to finish in last place. If they ever gave out an award called The SO NOT Executive of the Year, DD would win, hands down. What do you think Frick and Frack’s future are with the Tigers under Mr. I ?

Big Al: I honestly think they are BOTH in hot water. I’ll say this: Leyland didn’t do a thing to EARN that extension, and the only move Dombrowski made that paid off was Miggy Cabrera. Ilitch is giving them a mulligan, and making ‘09 their do or die season. Another year like this, and Frick and Frack are applying for unemployment.

Eno: Agreed. Granted, there were things out of their control, but that works the other way, too. Lots of execs and managers who win awards get lucky, too. So it evens out — if you last long enough. Before we leave this, were you surprised that Mr. Hernandez got the ziggy?

Big Al: Not at all. The struggles of Justin Verlander pretty much guaranteed Hernandez was toast. Someone was going to have to pay…uh, rather, be the scapegoat. The pitching coach is always first in that line. Ilitch wanted blood, and got it in Hernandez. It may have been time for some of the (pitching) staff to hear a new voice, anyway.

Eno: Isn’t it funny how smart you can be when people do their jobs, and how dumb you become when they don’t? I wasn’t surprised, either, but nobody gave Chuck any props for the emergence of Armando Galarraga. Someone like Verlander — he just needs to mature. Wasn’t Leo Mazzone a genius when he had Glavine, Smoltz, Maddux, et al? And he wasn’t so smart in Baltimore, was he?

Big Al: Good point. Verlander said as much when asked about Hernandez getting the ziggy.

Eno: If you could describe the Tigers’ season in ONE word, and you couldn’t use “disappointing”, what would it be? And Al, make it a word that I can use in front of my daughter.

Big Al: &*%>*#$@&

Eno: Funny.

Big Al: Seriously? Overhyped. We all bought into the media hype, so to speak. Hell, I thought the playoffs, to mix metaphors, were a slam dunk. Shows what I, you, and the rest of the world knows.

Eno: Hey, I bought into it, too. But if you remember, there were the naysayers out there who were worried about the pitching. I gotta take those folks to the casino with me next time!

Big Al: No kidding. And you didn’t give your one word description. I’m waiting…

Eno: Ahhh….OK….

Disjointed.

Eno: I never dreamed they’d be this out of whack. I mean, finish behind the freaking Royals??? Christ almighty!

Big Al: There’s no defending finishing behind the Royals. Which leads me to this: to fix what has become literally a mess of a team, can the Tigers correct themselves in only one off-season?

Eno: Wow….

Well, they are leaking — gushing, really, in two areas: pitching (bullpen, especially) and defense. Baseball defense is kind of like football defense; the Tigers don’t have very many “playmakers” — guys who rob other guys of hits…..it’s not just how many errors you make, but how many scores you deny by making plays. And I don’t know if you can just go out and get guys like that. As for the bullpen, it’ll make you gag how many games they blew. You gotta go outside the organization there.

Big Al: With the Pizza Man likely to at least cap salary, it’s going to be hard to find that bullpen fix. It’d be nice to just throw money at K-Rod (Francisco Rodriguez), but I don’t think it’s in the cards. The Tigers are going to have to find a cheaper set-up guy who can step up to closing. As for defense, I hear that Brandon Inge is the GREATEST DEFENDER EVER! I’m still not sure I want a .200 hitting 3rd sacker, even if he’s the next coming of Brooks Robinson in the field. And who in the Hell is going to play short? I don’t know, and I don’t think the Tigers do either.

Eno: Or, hey, how about catcher? And when will the Tigers find a position that Carlos Guillen CAN play?

Big Al: If only Gary Sheffield would retire, it would open the Tigers to all kinds of shuffling, and give Guillen a permanent home. Catcher? I thought Inge was the catcher of the future only a couple of months ago? So much for that plan, and most anything else Leyland “proclaimed” as set in stone this past season.

Eno: Leyland had no clue most of the year. The shuffling was embarrassing. But watch what you say about my guy Sheff. Plus, why would you shut it down sitting on 499 HR, Al?

Big Al: I know, it’s just wishful thinking. I was totally a Sheff guy, but this past season really soured me on him. I’m not sure how much he has left. With 500 HRs and $14 million on the line, the Tigers have no choice but to find out.

Eno: OK, enough about that. What else is on your mind?

Big Al: What grinds my gears? Ticks me off? Well, there’s the three-ring circus going on in Allen Park. We finally got our pound of flesh, Matt Millen, or as I like to call him, the porn ’stached goon. Millen is no longer running the team. But now what? The Lions are still the Lions.

Eno: Well, you know what the Eno Plan says. And so far, the Lions are following it. But they have a golden opportunity here. From what I know and have heard, there are a LOT of GOOD football people out there chomping at the bit for this job.

Big Al: Only the Lions would can a GM after three games, with no real plan as to what to do next. Your plan would be a good one to follow; even Drew Sharp thought so. But who wouldn’t want to work for William Clay Ford? He pays well, has the patience of Job and will give you enough rope to hang yourself three times over. It’s just a matter if Ford finds the RIGHT man for the job. His track record screams “NO!”

Eno: Floyd Reese has all but begged for an interview thru the papers and the radio. What do you think of someone like that, the former Tennessee Titan GM?

Big Al: I like his track record as a personnel guy with the Titans, but anyone who openly panders for the gig through the media would raise a red flag in my book. I’m sure it has with WCF too. If Reese wants the job, he would have been much better served to go through channels, so to speak.

Eno: You’re shrewder than I thought — good point! Hey, before we go, what did you think of the OTHER worst owner in the NFL — Al Davis, and his ham-handed firing of Lane Kiffin?

Big Al: That was entertainment of the HIGHEST order. I was surprised Davis didn’t break out the TPS Reports, phone logs and videotape. He wanted Kiffin not only fired, but blackballed. Think the Lions are dysfunctional? They have nothing on the Silver and Black.

Eno: Davis has been losing it for years now. He just does it more publicly than Bill Ford Sr. does. I thought they were going to fit him for a straitjacket when he dusted off Art Shell!

Big Al: Just wait for when he hires Matt Millen! Hey, it could happen! It’s sad to see a once great owner who was instrumental in making pro football the juggernaut it is today so…so…pitifully zombie-like.

Eno: Just Pee, Baby!

Big Al: Millen’s new job will be piss boy for Al Davis! I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Eno: Nice.

OK, your uber-quick take on the Red Wings and Pistons, and make it snappy — we’re running out of room and our readers’ attention spans!

Big Al: Red Wings and Pistons? Wake me when the playoffs start! Honestly, the Red Wings are the best team in hockey. The Pistons are in the top 2-3 in the East., and they’ll fall short again. I doubt adding Michael Curry as coach and Kwame Brown up front will get them over the conference finals hump.

Eno: I think it’s amazing that the Wings not only kept everyone in tact, but ADDED a Marian Hossa. How DO they do it? The Pistons, I think, will make it back to the ECF again. Talk about a mulligan — the Pistons are on their fourth one by now.

Eno: Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you: if The Knee Jerks are a success, it was my idea. If it doesn’t work out, you talked me into it.

Big Al: I’m just hopping on the Eno bandwagon., and going wherever it takes me.

Eno: See ya next week, oh Al of Bigdom….

Big Al: I’ll be here, Mr. Eno. Later.

Leyland’s "Vote of Confidence" Is This: You Still Have A Job

Forgive me, because this is hardly the first time I’ve pulled this quote from the grab bag of the wayback machine, but it’s just too good and too eternally relevant for me to retire it.

The Pistons, way back in 1971, announced that they had just given coach Butch van Breda Kolff a brand new contract extension. And the press wanted to know why VBK didn’t look all that jazzed about it at the presser.

“Hell, they can always fire you,” VBK explained of his faith in the written word, “and you can quit if you want to.”

Is that statement any less true now than it was 37 years ago? Didn’t think so.

There really are no guarantees in pro sports, except for guaranteed contracts, which often times only guarantee the insanity of the contract giver-outer.

Contracts, truthfully, are symbols. They are commitments, to a degree, of a team to a player or a coach. But they are mostly symbolic, and extensions are seen as the ultimate vote of confidence.

But, as VBK so succinctly said, they can always fire you. And you can quit if you want to.

At issue is Jim Leyland, and his contract status with the Tigers.

Leyland is signed through the 2009 season. And that’s all. Not one pitch beyond.

Nothing says that a team has to continuously make sure that the coach is under contract for seasons beyond the one upcoming. Yet when they don’t, that term “lame duck” starts to crop up.

You know, the players know that (insert name here) is only under contract for the year current, and so he may not be around much longer anyway, blah, blah, blah.

Leyland, according to Mitch Albom of the Free Press, is miffed that the Tigers aren’t extending him beyond ‘09. President and GM Dave Dombrowski has chosen, apparently, to let next year play itself out before rendering a verdict as to whether Leyland will manage in Detroit beyond then.

But is that a lame duck thing, or a “prove to me that you deserve an extension” thing?

What was conveniently buried was that DD offered Leyland a contract through 2010 when the skipper was extended beyond the original limit of 2008. But Leyland chose instead to be extended only through ‘09. Oops. Now that offer is off the table, to hear Leyland tell it.

Some of you might remember Walter Alston. You would be the same folks who remember that Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings. Or that there was a Dodgers manager before Tommy Lasorda.

Alston was that pre-Lasorda Dodgers manager. He skippered the team from 1954 through 1976. Twenty-three years. And do you know how many contracts Alston signed? Twenty-three.

That’s right. Perhaps the greatest manager in franchise history worked on a year-by-year basis. He didn’t seem to mind. Nor did the owner. And nor did the players, as the Dodgers did a whole lot of winning in those 23 years. The next person to call Walt Alston a lame duck will be the first.

In Leyland’s defense, he wasn’t overtly whiny or bitter about DD’s decision not to extend. But Leyland was clearly hurt. Here’s how he characterized his three years managing the Tigers.

“I think we had a great year, I think we had a good year and then we had one disastrous year. … I’ll take my share of the blame for it. … But you can put several people up on a dart board and if you threw a dart, you’d probably hit the right guy. … We were all guilty.”

Leyland, of course, wants to look at the big picture in all three years. But as I’ve bellyached here before, the Tigers have been a terrible second half team in all three of Leyland’s years in Detroit. And I’m sorry, but that’s troubling. Now we’re not talking anymore about lame ducks, but about chokers, when you consider such second half nonsense.

Albom said that Leyland wanted a vote of confidence, and didn’t get it.

Here’s your “vote of confidence”: you have another year left on the contract. And we’re not firing you. Good luck in ‘09.

A manager, or a coach, shouldn’t need any more vote of confidence than that.

But coaches want the purse string holders to put their money where their mouths are. Wrong. They already did that, when they hired you in the first place.

Leyland did make one astute observation: if this underachieving year had occurred in the last year of his contract, he may soon be the ex-manager of the Tigers. But it didn’t, so he gets another year — the year agreed upon by both parties.

If DD didn’t have that so-called confidence in Leyland, then he would fire him. Simple as that. And he would do so, no matter how many years were left on the contract. It wouldn’t be the first time a team paid a manager not to manage.

Jim Leyland has it all wrong. He’s 1-1-1 in his three years in Detroit, but he likes to look at it as 2-1. In my book, he’s 0-3 in second halves, for whatever my opinion is worth.

If the Tigers don’t win in ‘09, he’ll probably be out the door. And he would have been out the door, likely, even with an extension signed through 2010.

Butch van Breda Kolff isn’t with us anymore, sadly. But his words are just as true now as they were in 1971 — and even before then.

Davis’s Public Smear Of Kiffin Par For The Course

In the wake of his clumsy, ham-handed firing by Al Davis, ex-Oakland Raiders coach Lane Kiffin was asked by ESPN’s Trey Wingo the following question.

“How much effect do you think this firing will have on your ability to find another head coaching job in the NFL?”

Kiffin, looking genuinely shocked and hurt throughout the interview with Wingo — not because of Wingo, but because of the disgraceful way he was treated by Davis — seemed surprised by the query.

“I haven’t really given that much of a thought,” Kiffin admitted.

I almost laughed. Not at Kiffin — but at the absurdity of the question. And I’m still not sure if Wingo had his tongue planted firmly in cheek when he asked it, though he should have.

That’s like asking a food poisoning victim if what happened to him will affect his being allowed into another restaurant.

I don’t know much about Lane Kiffin, other than he’s the son of Tampa Bay defensive coordinator Monte, and that he inherited a bad situation in Oakland and only had 20 games to try to make it better, in his first head coaching job. But I know plenty about Al Davis.

Watching Kiffin during that interview, in which he seemed on the verge of tears because of what Davis said about him during the presser announcing his firing, I thought that this is a young coach who will absolutely get a second chance somewhere in the NFL — and maybe even BECAUSE of what happened in Oakland.

Consider the source, someone once said. It’s such a universally accepted adage, it’s uttered on playgrounds.

Davis: Does this look like a man with all his faculties?

Davis has been grasping at straws ever since he wrongly let Bill Callahan go, just one year removed from a Super Bowl appearance. The madman Davis cited, at that time, some sort of player revolt. Then he gave Norv Turner two years, resurrected Art Shell for one, and now has pulled the plug on Kiffin just one year and four games into his tenure. With Kiffin, Davis is citing a pattern of lies and other things that Davis has filed under the category of insubordination. He let his coach twist in the wind ever since Week 1.

Davis reportedly overruled Kiffin when the coach wanted to fire defensive coordinator Rob Ryan after last season. Kiffin in turn said that Davis had reneged on a promise to give Kiffin total autonomy over which assistants stay and which go.

Now, some of the nonsense that went on behind the scenes probably should have stayed there, and if Kiffin had any hand in not ensuring that, then he should be held accountable. But again, privately.

But Al Davis doesn’t know the meaning of the words class and dignity. He certainly hasn’t grasped the concept of professional conduct. To hear him accuse Kiffin of that is laughable.

Davis went in front of the TV cameras and not only announced Kiffin’s dismissal, but he seemed to delight in twisting the knife deeper and deeper into the corpse, removing it, and then plunging it back in again. His verbal assault and slandering of his former coach was like watching one of those horror movie killers who gets that faraway, deranged look in his eye. Davis couldn’t stop himself. He also recounted how Kiffin asked him if being fired “with cause” — Davis’s words — meant that he wouldn’t get paid.

“That’s what I’m tellin’ ya,” Davis told the media of how he replied to Kiffin’s question.

Nice.

So not only does Davis not want Kiffin as his coach, he doesn’t want to pay him the remainder of his contract, either. You think we’ve heard the last of that?

I’ve seen coaches dangling by a thread before, and you have too. Yet the owner is able to partially redeem that by announcing the axing in a professional, emotionless, unbiased manner. In fact, the outgoing guy is usually shown undo respect as he’s being kicked to the curb. It may come off as slightly insincere, but at least it’s dignifying.

Of course, Davis couldn’t do that. He couldn’t just read the statement and take a few questions, which he could have firmly refused to answer if they went in the direction of whatever dirty laundry the team had. It might have been unfulfilling to the scribes, but it would have been the right thing to do. Instead, Davis chose to hitch Lane Kiffin to the back of a tractor and pull him through the mud — THEN kick him to the curb.

Kiffin, for his part, answered Wingo’s questions quietly and calmly, and resisted the urge to blast Davis on the air. The closest he came was when he said he felt “kind of embarrassed” for Davis as he watched himself being trashed.

And Kiffin showed class when he said that he had no regrets about taking the Raiders job, and that the experience would help him in the future.

So in response to Trey Wingo’s inquiry: I don’t know for sure if Kiffin will get another head coaching job in the NFL, but I do know that the list of well-qualified folks who would consider working for Al Davis has been dwindling annually for years now.

Hey, Lions fans: sound familiar?