Curse Of The Eagle? EMU Should Be The Hurons Again

Gretchen Borst and George Hanner meant no harm, I promise you.

They were the two students who, way back in 1929, entered a contest to determine the nickname of Michigan State Normal College. Today you may know that school as Eastern Michigan University – that is, if you can see it through the shadow of that other institution seven miles west on Washtenaw Avenue: something called the University of Michigan.

So Gretchen and George enter this contest, see, and the contest is run by a three-man panel, and on October 31, 1929, the panel announced its winner: Michigan State Normal College would forever have as its school nickname (drum roll please), the Hurons.

This selection drips with irony upon closer inspection, because Hanner worked at the Huron Hotel at the time. No doubt that had as much influence over his suggestion, if not more, than the fact that the school lie on the banks of the Huron River, or that the Huron Indian tribe once roamed southeastern Michigan.

Forever lasted approximately 62 years, turns out.

First, you should know that the author is a proud alumnus of EMU, having graduated in the latter part of that 62-year Huron reign. And you should also know that he is still ticked off about the absconding of the nickname “Hurons” in exchange for the decidedly more mundane, lame “Eagles”, which occurred in 1991.

I’ll stop referring to myself in the second person. It’s me who’s the proud alumnus. Me who is still ticked. I’m a Huron, always will be, and I’m not alone.

EMU has had it rough over the past year or so. There was the infamous Laura Dickinson controversy of 2007, which led to the ziggy for the school president due to some less than forthright ways information was disseminated in the tragic death of Dickinson, an EMU student who was found dead in her dorm room in December 2006. No foul play, school administrators, led by president John Fallon, declared. Uh-uh. No way, no how.

Months later, it was revealed: the play was the foulest – rape and murder had gone on in Laura’s room. And you know when her parents and family found out the truth? About the same time the rest of the public did. Fallon and his minions knew that there was strong evidence that suggested Laura was murdered, yet chose to keep it to themselves, like some nasty family secret.

I would have liked my size 10s to be among those kicking Fallon in the ass on his way out the door.

On the far less important side of things, the sports in Ypsilanti have been foul, too.

The mens basketball program still can’t find its footing. And the football team? Only Pepe LePew could love them.

EMU just canned another football coach. Jeff Genyk got the ziggy on Monday after five miserable seasons. Genyk was yet another who could do absolutely nothing with Eastern’s football program. His was a tenure filled with the typical records at EMU: 2-9, 3-8, an occasional 1-10.

Funny, but ever since EMU’s Board of Regents foolishly voted to change the nickname to the Eagles, the football team, especially, has been grounded. One (1) winning season since ’91 – and that was just 6-5, in 1995. Eagles with clipped wings, apparently.

As I said, I’m not alone in my outrage. It’s been over 17 years, and I still can’t get past it. Other alumni, many others, feel the same way. Some of the more belligerent (and wealthy) ones have told the school that there will be no more donations forthcoming until EMU is once again known as the Hurons.

The Regents caved to pressure and ordered Hurons dropped as part of an NCAA-wide push to eliminate as many nicknames as possible that supposedly fueled racial stereotypes. It was a broad-stroked brush that the NCAA, as usual, used. They failed to take into consideration the dignity with which some of those “offensive” nicknames carried.

The Huron logo was anything but cartoonish or offensive. It was the profile of a very proud-looking Native American. Even the word “Huron” couldn’t be considered offensive, because it was simply the name of the tribe. We’re not talking Redskins here.

Yet the Regents caved anyway, and if it wasn’t bad enough that Hurons had to go, the choice of Eagles to replace it was a double whammy.

Eagles? You mean the nickname used by countless high schools across the country, and dozens of other colleges?

Not only that, but Eagles was chosen as the result of another one of those contests, like the one Gretchen Borst and George Hanner entered in 1929. So they have a contest, get hundreds of entries, and choose … Eagles? If there’s a punch line here, I’m still waiting for it.

There’s politically correct, and there’s being stupid.

I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that EMU alienated way more people than they satisfied when they switched from Hurons to Eagles. Lord knows how much money they’ve lost out on, to boot.

There are precious few supporters of the decision, but the ones who are point out that the diploma says Eastern Michigan University. The logic says that it shouldn’t matter what comes after that – it’s still the same school, whether that school goes by Hurons or Eagles.

Nice try, but I’m not buying it. Nicknames are part of school pride. And EMU, I thought, had one of the more unique ones in the country. And the facts back that up.

But there’s hope. A group called Huron Restoration continues to try to bring back the name, and claims to have the support of Chief Leaford Bearskin of the Wyandot Tribe of Oklahoma and former Grand Chief Max Gros-Louis of the Huron-Wendat Nation of Quebec.

It’s not too late to get this right, after all. Hurons, unite!

If Only Ford Would Stop Being Absentee In His Ownership

There are the buffoon owners of sports teams. The Mark Cubans and Jerry Joneses of the world. Those bozos who make a spectacle of themselves, whether at courtside or on the sidelines. Jawing with officials, stomping their feet when things don’t go their team’s way. There are the bellicose owners, those insufferable boobs who whine and publicly castigate their players, their coaches. The George Steinbrenners and the Al Davises of the world. You just have to know that if Donald Trump were to own a team, he would be in one of these categories.

This morning, I must say that I’m rather jealous of fans whose teams are owned by the misfits, the jerks, the bozos.

For at least with the Cubans and Joneses, you know that, if nothing else, they care.

It’s getting tiresome to hear, through the grapevine, of how much Bill Ford Sr. cares about winning. It’s old to rehash how nice he is, how terrific of an owner he is to work for. Irksome to wring your hands about his being loyal to a fault, wondering how much damage that’s doing in the long-term.

If only he would talk to us.

Ford may be the most frustrating and maddening of all the sports owners. This is because he is, for all intents and purposes, an absentee owner. Some absentees own from afar. The Red Wings were owned before Mike Ilitch by Bruce Norris, who toward the end of his reign was holed up in Florida, rarely showing his drunken face while his team burned. Even the Pistons, before the frequently-seen Bill Davidson, were owned by Fred Zollner, The Z. Zollner was another absentee, who had attended one or two games, total, over the last couple years of his ownership.

You never heard a peep from Norris or Zollner. It was creepy, in a way.

Ford is creepy.

There were reports that Ford was at the field named after his family yesterday as his team vomited and defecated all over the gridiron in a shameful effort in the annual Thanksgiving Day game. A 47-10 game that, when you think about it, wasn’t even as close as the score indicated. No telling what the Tennessee Titans would have done to the Lions if they put forth a maximum effort in the second half, after a 35-10 halftime lead satiated them, like men content after gorging themselves on turkey and all the fixings. Still, the Titans, in their feast-induced stupor, managed to hold the Lions scoreless while tacking on four field goals.

But Ford, as usual, wasn’t available to the media — before or after the game. Some owners make the media available to them, whether the media likes it or not. They seek out the nearest tape recorder, the nearest TV camera they can find, and go off. Can you imagine Jones, the Cowboys owner, if his team had laid such an egg on the national stage? You’d have to have a straitjacket at the ready. And a tranquilizer gun.

Ford has never, that I can recall from 38 years of following and covering the team, displayed any passion, publicly, about his football team. The only confirmation we get of his supposed disdain for losing comes from those close to him. If it weren’t from these reports, which are like those you got from the front during pre-television wars, we wouldn’t have a clue as to what Ford thinks. We wouldn’t know if a display such as the one perpetrated against Lions fans and indeed, the nation, yesterday bothered Ford in the least bit. Actually, when it comes to yesterday, we don’t know. The reports from the front haven’t come in yet.

If I owned a football team, and if my product was so awful that the fans were so lethargic as to not even boo the carnage, and if I saw my stadium empty out shortly after halftime like sand draining from the top half of an hourglass, I’d walk out to the 50-yard line, demand a microphone, and issue a public apology — making sure the cameras were rolling so it could be preserved for posterity.

Ray Kroc did something similar once. Kroc, the McDonald’s hamburger magnate, once owned the San Diego Padres. And after another horrible performance by his team, Kroc angrily commandeered the public address microphone and told the few fans remaining that he was sorry. They laughed at Ray Kroc a lot, but nobody could accuse him of not caring.

The biggest indictment of any team owner in pro sports isn’t that he’s incompetent. Isn’t that he’s a stooge. Isn’t that he is an embarrassment to his constituency. Isn’t that he meddles and micro-manages.

The biggest indictment is that he doesn’t care.

True or not, that’s the impression most Lions fans have of Bill Ford. Actually, they’ve had that impression for years now, maybe even decades. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t truly care if his team wins two games or ten. Doesn’t really make a difference to him if the Lions make the playoffs or not. Those close to him will scoff at this notion. No, no, they say — Ford cares. Boy, does he care. Losing grinds him. He wants a Super Bowl in the worst way. Well, they got the “worst way” part right.

OK, so if Ford cares, why doesn’t he talk to us?

If he only knew how much it would mean to the fan base if Ford simply spoke to them. Just went on record, telling of his feelings and his vision and what all this losing does to him. Oh, how they would appreciate it if he would acknowledge that the product is unacceptable, and even though he hasn’t been able to get it right in 44 years of ownership, by God he’s going to keep trying until he does.

Sources close to Ford say this is an actual photo taken of him

It wouldn’t, at all, make up for all the years of lousy football in this town, but I guarantee you it would soothe some feelings.

It would be even better if such public words were accompanied by a ziggying given to coach Rod Marinelli. A combo platter: canning the coach and declaring outrage of the situation at the same time.

When Matt Millen was finally relieved of his duties, Ford again was holed up. Nothing came from him beyond a written statement. Another opportunity wasted to show the fans this alleged care and passion we keep hearing about from those ever-reliable “sources close to Ford.”

The Lions fans clearly are not all that hard to please. That’s made evident every year, when Ford Field is routinely sold out despite the won/loss record. Recently, a sellout streak was ended that is normally reserved for the truly successful franchises. Not for those who are in the throes of a 31-93 mind boggler. That’s a .250 winning percentage, folks. Three losses for every win. For nearly eight years. Truly mind boggling.

So these not-too-hard to please fans would absolutely eat it up if Ford would go public, even in the form of an impromptu presser, and muse about his football team. They may not be totally satisfied with his words, but just the fact that he even uttered some would be enough for a lot of the base. But he would need to do it more than just once a year. And, of course, it would still need to be accompanied by sound football decisions.

I’m not asking Bill Ford to stand on the sidelines and react like a normal fan to the ups and downs of a typical football Sunday. I’m not asking him to berate officials and humiliate anyone. I’m just asking, begging, for one thing, and one thing only.

Talk to us, Mr. Ford. That’s all.

Yes, "The Knee Jerks" Are Open On Thanksgiving! Come On In….

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! And welcome to Webisode #9 of “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al,” my weekly gab fest with that MVP of the MVN, Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience.

In this installment, we look back at the Michigan-Ohio State debacle and MSU’s failure last Saturday; laud the Red Wings; slam those who would take away our Turkey Day game; talk a little U-M hoops; and of course, there are the regulars: Word Association and Jerk of the Week.

Commence….

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Eno: Thanks for taking the time on this holiday to join us at “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al.” I’m Eno, aka The Journalist, and he’s Big Al, aka Mr. Big Shot. See, Al? Told you I’d remember to call you that every week now, going forward!

Big Al: Damn straight. I would have been sure to correct you otherwise, Mr. Journalist! So what’s on your overflowing-with-Detroit-sports-information-and-trivia mind?

Eno: Well, this is an unusual time at TKJ, because we’re doing this BEFORE the Lions game, and folks will likely be reading it AFTER the game. So right off the bat, our readers know more than we do this webisode!

Big Al: Don’t they always? I’m so full of BS, Rod Marinelli has nothing on me. Smoke and mirrors, sir, smoke and mirrors. You, on the other hand, pull facts out of nowhere, such as your post recapping previous Lions Turkey Days. Hell, I can’t even remember what happened last year on Thanksgiving, let alone in 1987.

Eno: What can I say? It’s both a gift and a curse! OK, let’s start with Michigan football. I guess you were right and I was wrong. Who was that idiot who predicted a close U-M/OSU game? He should have his Knee Jerk stripes revoked!

Big Al: Dean Wormer has you on double secret probation, so watch what you predict. Hey, you were right for a half of football, anyway. But I have to say I saw this one coming, as Michigan QB Nick Sheridan, who I’m sure is a nice kid, just isn’t a Big Ten QB. His having to start had the Wolverines behind the proverbial buckeye before the game even began.

Eno: Well, is this getting to the point where U-M bores OSU now? I mean, when Michigan was kicking John Cooper’s tail, it almost became not fun anymore. Look at the Red Wings and Avalanche. The Avs bore me now. When was the last time Colorado beat the Red Wings? When Patrick Roy was in net? So is this rivalry in danger of turning into a joke?

Big Al: Not yet, as even though the University of Columbus is currently holding the upper hand, almost all previous Wolverine-Bucknuts games had something on the line, and were, for the most part, tight ballgames. I think this loss is the exception, rather than the rule, Rich Rodriguez needed to experience the rivalry before he could truly grasp its meaning. The Wolverines may not beat CheatyPants McSweaterVest and his band of ill-tempered, ill-educated louts, but it won’t be a blowout in 2009.

Eno: Well, regardless, I’d say that Meeechigan (RIP, Bob Ufer!) better damn well beat these Buckeyes pretty freaking soon. Or maybe U-M better figure out how to beat Toledo first? Baby steps, right?

Big Al: Need to crawl before you can walk, walk before you can run, and a quarterback before you can beat tOSU.

Eno: Indeed. And what about Sparty? Again they prove they’re Not Ready For Prime Time (RIP, Gilda Radner!) They finished 9-3, but is it a Fool’s Gold 9-3 or a we-can-win-a-Bowl-game 9-3?

Big Al: As always, it depends upon the match-up, but MSU is not yet an upper tier team. I don’t see them beating a comparable SEC team. I do think that with six weeks to prepare, the ever cranky Mark Dantonio will make Sparty a handful for whomever they play. What do you think of Dantonio’s stunt of calling time outs in the final seconds of the Penn State game? Was he being an ass, or trying to make a point?

Eno: With Dantonio, you never know. He’s a rather irascible fellow, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in a football coach. But methinks he tends to sweat the small stuff too much. Maybe he tries too hard at times. Of course, his predecessor, John L. (for Loser) Smith never could be accused of trying too hard, so there you go.

Big Al: I’ll say this for Mr. Little Brother, he’s making the MSU/Penn State and MSU/U-M rivalries much more interesting. Which I think is the motivation to his madness. No one cared about MSU playing Methusela at the end of the season before. Dantonio is making the Big Ten-manufactured series relevant. And anytime he can annoy the living Hell out of Wolverines, the folks in East Lansing eat it up. If I’m MSU, I’m worried when one of the elite programs that has an opening (Tennessee?) will come calling. Dantonio could be another Nick Saban, if the Spartans aren’t careful.

Eno: Wow – some elite company there! He came from little Cincinnati with a mediocre 18-17 record, and now you’re putting him up there with Duffy Daugherty! What’s gotten into you?

Big Al: Drugs? I’m not going that far yet, but Dantonio has been a great fit at MSU. I’ll say this, though. He’ll be better for the program than George “Motor City Bowl should be in the BCS” Perles, the last coach to have a lengthy tenure in East Lansing.

Eno: And now George might run for Governor, so go figure. Your turn: what’s on Mr. Big Shot’s mind?

Big Al: Turkey legs. Oh, you mean in sports? Well then…we have to mention the Lions, and the ongoing cry from the MSM about taking away our Super Bowl – the Thanksgiving Day Game. The show I like to call “Douchebags in the Morning,” ESPN’s Mike and Mike, Mike Ditka, and numerous columnists around the nation who’re looking to get some cheap heat, all call for the NFL to take the game away [from the Lions]. Personally, I think they can go to Hell. What are your thoughts on the matter? Should the 12:30 Turkey Day game remain ours and ours alone?

Eno: YES!!! Of course!! Are there REALLY a bunch of teams clamoring to play on Thanksgiving? I was talking to Keith Bulluck of the Titans a few weeks ago and he didn’t seem to be so jazzed to play the game that he would like to play it every year. Look, it’s easy to say this now with the Lions down. Funny, but I didn’t hear this in the 1990s, when the Lions were competitive. The only whiner was the late Lamar Hunt of the Chiefs. What is the motive to take it away? What does it matter to those folks? The Lions are rarely on national TV, so chill. Deal with it, I say.

Big Al: They can all pound sand. I’m just getting sick and tired of all the Detroit bashing. From the politicians in Washington more concerned with Wall Street than saving Detroit’s auto industry, to the sports media slagging away on the Thanksgiving Day game, it’s giving us in the Detroit area a MASSIVE chip on our shoulders. I, for one, am ready to go nuclear on the next politician or columnist who takes unwarranted cheap shots at Detroit, the State of Michigan, and the residents and fans of all things Detroit!

Eno: You know, I agree. The Detroit bashing seems to be at an apex right now. It truly does give us that chip on our shoulder you were referring to. I just think that it’s hilarious how this happens when the Lions are crappy. So, should we stop playing the MLB All-Star Game because the AL always wins? Should the Red Wings stop playing the Avalanche? Sorry – I already talked about that!

Big Al: Lets not forget the over done and totally untrue Red Wings = Yankees or Detroit = Beirut comparisons. Enough is enough, and I’ve had enough. Enough already! Seriously, I’m going to get out the big guns and go off on the next Detroit basher. The morons on CBS best watch what they say during the game. I’ll be watching them…

Eno: Whoa….let’s call a 20-second timeout!

Big Al: NO! NO! NO! I’M OUT OF ORDER? YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!!! OK, I’m done. I feel better. What’s next?

Eno: Well, Al Pacino….I have Red Wings on the brain. I don’t write about them too much because, well, they’re just so good; what else can be said? I just hope folks around here appreciate what they have. This team is truly dynasty-ish. They’re never out of a game. Do you truly see anyone knocking them off four times in a playoff series?

Big Al: No. NO! NO! N…Sorry, I had a flashback! My only concern is Chris Osgood, as he has yet to play up to the level of last season. I realize it’s early, but I think the Red Wings have the same concern, which is why we are seeing more and more of Ty Conklin between the pipes. Other than possibly in net, I don’t think the Wings have a weakness. At least not a weakness that is easily exploited. The Red Wings’ worst enemy will not be the Sharks or the Ducks, it will be complacency.

Eno: But even that, I don’t see happening. It’s almost silly to nitpick them. Do you realize they’ve been Cup contenders since 1993? That’s amazing. No other pro sports team can say that. Makes you wonder if they’ll EVER be down – or how we’ll react to it when it happens.

Big Al: Probably the same way Wolverines fans reacted: with much anguish and finger pointing. But the Wings are in fine hands, so I doubt it’s something we’ll be have to worry about anytime soon – knock on wood.

WORD ASSOCIATION TIME!

Eno: Hey, how about some Word Association?

Big Al: NO! NO! NO! Oh, word association? Cool by me. I’ll start…

Big Al: Let’s begin with a local columnist, Mitch Albom.

Eno: Overexposed.

Big Al: No doubt. Tennessee Titans head coach Jeff Fisher.

Eno: Available?

Big Al: I wish. Lord, how I wish. Lions backup QB who just signed a two-year contract, Drew Henson.

Eno: Two words…three, really. No, four: Why the hell not?

Big Al: Hey, he was thought to be a franchise QB not all that long ago. How about the other backup Drew, Drew Stanton.

Eno: The future of the Lions. No joke. OK, my turn.

Big Al: Go ahead, oh journalistic one.

Eno: LeBron James.

Big Al: Two words. Big Apple.

Eno: Hmmm….or Motor City….OK, Joe Paterno

Big Al: BRAIIIINS!

Big Al: Sorry, had to go for the zombie joke. Retire!

Eno: Wow…OK. Jim Price

Big Al: Is there one word I can use for “heavy breathing into an open mike?” No? OK, loyal.

Eno: Wow – THAT’S diplomatic! OK, one more: Thanksgiving.

Big Al: BRAIIINS! Seriously, Detroit.

Eno: Nice….alright, before Jerk of the Week, I’m gonna volley it back to you for the next topic.

Big Al: Volley? We playing tennis? You making a joke? You think I’m funny? I’m funny to you?!

Eno: You back in Pacino Mode? Or is that DeNiro?

Big Al: Sorry, for some reason I need to channel Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. How about something good about the Wolverines? The basketball boys beat a Top Ten team for the first time in, well, forever, when John Beilein’s team beat UCLA [last week]. I couldn’t remember the last time I so enjoyed watching a Michigan basketball game. Is Michigan hoops back?

Eno: Oh, that was terrific. Didn’t see the game but good for Beilein’s kids. That was great. It didn’t even matter that they lost to Duke after that. It would be wonderful to see that program back on the map. Do you see it happening soon?

Big Al: It was a great game to watch, and it was Beilein ball at its best. Treys, back door plays and his funky 1-3-1 defense. They aren’t back yet, but are on the way. I think Michigan could be an NCAA bubble team this season, and is maybe a year or two away from contending for the Big Ten title. Beilein knows what he is doing, and what sort of players he needs to run his system. Give him time, and he’ll win.

Eno: Yeah, he’s a keeper. You need stability. My alma mater, EMU, just fired another football coach. And they’re gonna bring Lloyd Carr in as an adviser to select the next coach. That kinda makes this old Huron (NOT an Eagle) a little….excited?

Big Al: It should. I like it that EMU asked Lloyd to help. Say what you will about his coaching abilities. Lloyd’s a good egg and well connected. He’ll go a long way in helping the Hurons (Eagles my ass!) find the right coach to right the ship.

Eno: Hey, maybe Lloyd himself will come out of retirement, a la Sam Rutigliano at Liberty U! A Huron can dream, can’t he?

Big Al: Or like Kansas State’s Bill Snyder. EMU could do a lot worse than Lloyd. A LOT worse. Ready to give your Jerk of the Week?

JERK OF THE WEEK

Eno: You know, I hate to make him a JOTW three times in a row, but I gotta go with your man Drew Sharp of the Freep.

Big Al: Really. What did the dull one say now?

Eno: Well, it’s this annoying insistence of his that the Lions absolutely, positively, can NOT go 0-16 because it’s “impossible.” Other than Minnesota at home, I don’t know where he’s seeing a win. At Indy? At Green Bay? Against the Titans? The Saints? Good grief! He was at it again last Sunday, predicting the Lions to beat the Bucs because of the aforementioned “impossibility” of going 0-16. It’s very annoying!

Big Al: I thought you were going to name Sharp because of his “column” about the Lions’ Turkey Day tradition, where he just came off as hateful towards those who really do root for the Lions. I honestly believe Sharp has five different boiler plate columns, and just changes the names and teams as needed. His shtick is getting old. Ready for my jerk?

Eno: Ready, willing, AND able!

Big Al: Sure you don’t mean, Abel?

Eno: *laughs*

Big Al: I’m going to give a co-Jerk of the Week award. My jerks are Lions head coach Rod Marinelli and Detroit News columnist Rob Parker for the unintentional comedy that ensues when Parker asks Marinelli if he’s going to quit/fire his son-in-law/quit over and over and over, while Marinelli talks in circles, never answering anything. I swear the two could join a touring company of “The Odd Couple.” Post-game pressers will never be the same once Marinelli gets the ziggy

Eno: That’s actually very funny, and very creative! I never thought of them that way! Parker has fired more coaches than George Steinbrenner.

Big Al: And written more bad columns than Drew Sharp!

Eno: Now THAT’S saying something! OK, my friend, enjoy your Turkey Day. Sorry the Lions are gonna be on local TV, though. Don’t let them ruin the turkey and stuffing!

Big Al: Lions ruin turkey? That’s un-possible! Have a great Turkey Day yourself, Mr. Journalist!

Eno: See ya next Thoisday.

Big Al: HOOOO-HAAAAA!

38 Years Of Thanksgiving Day With The Lions; Oy Vay!

Tomorrow will be the 39th Thanksgiving Day game that I can remember the Lions playing. I thought it might be fun — for me, not necessarily for you — to go through them, one by one, and see what I can recall about each game. It’s like a live blog: I’ll just type what comes to mind. Nothing prepared, no cutesy prose. Keep in mind that many of these games weren’t on local TV — either because they were played before the NFL allowed home games that were sold out 72 hours in advance to be televised, or they weren’t sold out. So a lot of the memories either come from listening to the game on the radio, or reading about it the next day. I only attended two Thanksgiving Day games in person: 1983 and 1988.

Here goes (most final scores culled from shrpsports.com, or my memory) ….

1970: The Lions beat the Raiders, 28-14, after falling behind 14-0. But this was notable because it was the only time, that I know of, the Lions wore white uniforms at home. NBC was afraid that the Raiders’ road white uniforms, with their silver numbers at the time, wouldn’t show up well on national TV. So the network asked the Lions to wear white (with blue numbers) instead. Charlie Sanders made two fantastic TD catches.

1971: The Chiefs were in town, and I remember being at my relatives’ house and hearing that the Lions were winning. That’s about all I recall about this one. The Lions won, 32-21.

1972: The Lions spanked Joe Namath and the Jets, 37-20. What I remember about this one is a photo you still see from time to time — probably can find it on the Lions website — of MLB Mike Lucci staring down Namath at the line of scrimmage before the snap. The photo was taken from behind Namath, with Lucci lurking in the background.

1973: The Redskins came in and drubbed the Lions, 20-0. Again, not on TV. Nothing much to report about this one.

1974: The Lions’ last home game ever at Tiger Stadium. I had to double check this, as it’s highly unusual to play no more home games after Thanksgiving, but this was when the NFL schedule was 14 games. The Broncos came calling and beat the Lions, 31-27. Also notable because it was the last game for FB Steve Owens, who tore up a knee and never played again.

1975: Another 20-0 drubbing, this time from the LA Rams. I remember being at my grandmother’s house and my uncle joining us for dinner after having attended the game. I remember he said it was cold and the roof of the Silverdome leaked.

1976: Not on TV, but this was the game where Buffalo’s O.J. Simpson ran wild, to the tune of 273 (I think) rushing yards. Still, the Lions won, 27-14.

1977: The Bears were here, and I barely remember it. Just as well; the Lions lost 31-14.

1978: The defending AFC champs, the Denver Broncos, were in town. This was one of those games where the Lions rose to the occasion and pulled the upset. They sacked Denver’s Craig Morton several times on their way to a rousing 17-14 win.

1979: I remember listening to most of this one on the radio. The Lions came into the game at 1-11, but shutout the Bears by that ubiquitous 20-0 score. I remember how loud the crowd was at the final gun. The Lions finished 2-14.

1980: This was the famous overtime kickoff return game. The Bears were here again, and they scored 14 points in the fourth quarter, including a scramble for a TD by Vince Evans as time expired. Then Dave Williams took the overtime kickoff to the house, some 98 yards. This loss mortally wounded the Lions’ playoff hopes.

1981: OK, what was notable here, for me, wasn’t the game itself (the Lions beat KC, 27-10), but what happened the Sunday after the game. We were dropping my uncle off at the airport, and all of a sudden I see a figure out of my peripheral vision as I sat in the backseat of the car. The figure is running between the cars parked near the terminal. The figure was Lions running back Billy Sims. Truth.

1982: The Giants beat the Lions, thanks to Lawrence Taylor returning an interception nearly 100 yards for a touchdown. This was on TV, and I remember TE David Hill smugly dangling a penalty flag after Taylor scored. Hill and everyone at the Silverdome, and me at home, thought the flag was on the Giants, and the score would be nullified. It was against the Lions. The touchdown stood, and the Lions fell.

1983: Ahh, NOW we’re talking memories! I was there when the Lions pummeled the Steelers, 45-3. Unbelievable. Total destruction of the Steelers. I remember someone had hung a banner with an image of Mr. T on it that said, “I PITY PITT!” I thought that was cute, but that the Lions would lose the game. Instead it was a slaughter meted out by the boys in Honolulu Blue.

1984: The Lions only won four games in ‘84, but one of them was over the Packers on Turkey Day. This one is hopelessly lost in a black hole somewhere; I have absolutely no recollection of this game!

1985: The Lions, under first-year head coach Darryl Rogers, won their first six home games. The last of these was a 31-20 win over the 9-3 Jets. But this is memorable because at halftime, NBC’s Ahmad Rashad, from Pontiac, proposed marriage to Phylicia Ayers-Allen, who was in New York, on live TV. She said yes. (They’re divorced now, but don’t tell anyone)

1986: The Packers came in and beat the Lions in a shootout, 44-40. I remember someone for the Packers running a punt back for a touchdown (Phillip Epps, perhaps?)

1987: This was around the time the Lions got insufferably boring under Rogers. They fell to 2-9 after a 27-20 loss to the previously 1-9 Chiefs. What a marquee match-up, eh? Two teams with a combined record of 3-17.

1988: I was there when Wayne Fontes, new on the job after Rogers got the ziggy, watched his team be simply awful offensively in a 23-0 loss to the Vikings. This game was so bad, I barely remember it — and I was in attendance!

1989: The 2-9 Lions beat the Browns, 13-10, in a major upset. And I ran out of gas driving to my dad’s house in Clarkston. He had to pick me up at the County Sheriff post in Pontiac, near which I conveniently stalled, gas can in tow.

1990: Again the Broncos came in as defending AFC champs, and again the Lions upset them, 40-27. Not many memories from this one, personally.

1991: On TV, and the Lions paid tribute to fallen teammate Mike Utley by beating the Bears, 16-6, on their way to a 12-4 record and a trip to the NFC Championship Game. Not much of a game, really, but the Lions won so all was well.

1992: The last Thanksgiving game to be blacked out saw Warren Moon and the Houston Oilers make a rare Detroit appearance. They beat the Lions, 24-21.

1993. The Lions lost to the Bears, and I think this was the game in which Barry Sanders hurt his knee and was lost until the playoffs. I remember the Lions stunk up the joint offensively — even before Sanders got hurt.

1994. Dave Krieg (remember him?) Mania was at its apex when the Lions beat the Bills, 35-21. Krieg, taking over after Scott Mitchell got hurt on October 30, was in the middle of a brilliant run in which he threw a ton of TDs and hardly any interceptions. I remember the Lions doing a flea flicker early in the game — maybe even the very first play from scrimmage — and it was a huge gainer.

1995. A wild one. The Vikings were here, and got off to a great start. But the Lions came back and beat them, 44-38. It was a shootout between Warren Moon and Mitchell. And Mitchell won — how ’bout that?

1996. Marcus Allen and the Chiefs won, 28-24. This was a hugely disappointing year, coming after three straight playoff seasons. Fontes got the ziggy at the end of the year.

1997. The Lions blew out the Bears, 55-20. I watched this one from my uncle’s house, and it was a real laugher. A rare time when you didn’t have to worry about whether the Lions would somehow blow it; you could just eat, talk, and have a good time while the game played on the TV, in the background.

1998. This was the infamous coin toss game against Pittsburgh. The Lions were awarded the ball at the beginning of overtime because the referee thought Jerome Bettis called the coin wrong, even though TV microphones sided with Bettis. I remember how incredulous Bettis looked when the toss was given to the Lions.

1999. A 21-17 win over Chicago, but damned if I can remember one thing about it.

2000. The Lions demolished the Patriots, 34-9. Charlie Batch played hurt and and gutsy. I remember him sacrificing his body on a touchdown run that electrified the Silverdome.

2001. The 0-9 Lions fell to the Packers, 29-27. This was Marty Mornhinweg’s first (of two) Thanksgiving games. Also Matt Millen’s first (of too many).

2002. Just two years later, the Pats were back, but this time as defending Super Bowl champs. The Lions were chumps. Pats won, 20-12.

2003. Steve Mariucci was now the coach, and the Lions managed to beat the Packers, 22-14, to “raise” their record to 4-8. Totally devoid of memory of this one, too.

2004. I remember this one, though. Peyton Manning threw five TD passes, and had he not been pulled so early, he could have had ten. The Lions were completely helpless. Colts won, 41-9.

2005. Another stinker, and it cost Mooch his job. The Falcons dominated from the start and won, 27-7 as the Ford Field crowd booed mercilessly. Mariucci was fired by the end of the weekend.

2006. The return of Joey Harrington, with the Dolphins. And Pal Joey torched the Lions, 27-10. Again the crowd booed. We were in Year One of the Rod Marinelli Era, which hopefully comes to an end five games from now.

2007. The Lions were 6-4, but it was a Fool’s Gold kind of 6-4. The Packers came in, and Brett Favre had one more feast at the expense of the Lions, 37-26. Between then and now, the Lions have won one — ONE — football game.

2008. The Tennessee Titans, 10-1, make mincemeat of the Lions, trampling them 34-13. Ford Field is again filled with boo birds. “Fire Marinelli” signs are seen throughout the stadium. I know it hasn’t happened yet, but why wait for the news when you know it beforehand?

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. Yes, “The Knee Jerks” WILL be seen tomorrow at their regularly scheduled time. You think Big Al and I are gonna let a little turkey stand between us and our weekly chat? Last I checked, you can type if you jam the turkey leg into your mouth, between your teeth.

Baseball On The Radio: A Dying Pastime

Does anyone listen to baseball anymore?

Yeah, I meant to emphasize the word.

And when I say listen, I mean on a radio — not through some fancy-shmancy streaming Internet connection.

Hey, do they even make transistor radios anymore? That question, I suppose, should be asked first.

I’m not a radio listener, per se. I must confess that. If I’m not in the car, then the radio isn’t on. And since I work from home mainly, my time spent in the car has even dwindled. So I’m one of the guilty parties here.

Some of my fondest memories from being a kid was of my dad, listening to the Tigers as he knocked off his “honey-do” list. It was a weekend afternoon, and the comforting sounds of Ernie Harwell and Paul Carey were soothingly in the background as the lawn was mowed or the shrubs trimmed. It all emanated from a transistor radio of some sort, likely precariously perched on a picnic table or a window ledge.

But it wasn’t just my dad at home. I seem to recall the Tigers being on radios all over the place: in the car next to ours at a traffic light; at the local soft serve ice cream joints; at the gas station. Everywhere, Ernie and Paul’s voices would be murmuring in the background. It didn’t matter that you couldn’t make out exactly what was happening. What was important, was that the game was at least on, for someone’s consumption.

Folks would take their transistors to the beach, or the park, or anywhere, really. And they were taken for one reason, and one reason only: to keep up with their Tigers. They certainly weren’t packing them along for the news or the weather, or some such nonsense.

It’s hard enough to get today’s younger fans to watch the Tigers, let alone listen to them. The TV pie has been cut into so many slices, they’re as thin as Catholic hosts at Communion. Too many options. Then there’s that damn Internet — with their “game casts” that involve sitting in front of a monitor and watching, in silence, the play-by-play occur, in words and symbols. The Net truly is amazing; it has somehow come up with a way to keep track of the game without watching or listening to it.

I know it’s odd to think about baseball on the radio the week of Thanksgiving, but I’ll pretty much take anything to draw attention away from the Lions, you know?

When was the last time you listened to the Tigers, when you weren’t in your car? I tried it a couple summers ago — plugging my boom box into the outlet outside the house and blasting the game as I trimmed things in the backyard. It was OK — not as good as Ernie and Paul, but not bad. Maybe if I’d do it more, Dan Dickerson would grow on me. His partner, Jim Price, grows too — but like mold. He’s another story.

Lions Are Not Only Winless On The Field, But Losers In Their Minds

Shortly after becoming the general manager of the Pistons in December 1979, Jack McCloskey realized the enormity of his task. The team was awful. Its two stars — Bob Lanier and Bob McAdoo — didn’t want to be there. Lanier’s trade request was the most public, and the most poignant, for Big Bob had been a Piston his whole career, which was in its tenth year.

Knowing he had to trade Lanier, McCloskey then got an idea. A BIG idea.

“I looked at the team as an expansion team,” McCloskey told me in an interview many years ago. “We were really an expansion team.”

Ex-coach Dick Vitale stripped the Pistons bare of draft picks, thanks to bad trades — one of which was McAdoo. The team was lucky to win one of every four games. So McCloskey picked up the phone and called his old friend and boss, Lakers GM Jerry West.

“I thought that if we could get Magic, that would have been great,” Trader Jack said about Lakers rookie Magic Johnson.

So McCloskey asked West if he was sitting down.

“Then I told him that he could have every player on my roster for Magic,” McCloskey said, chuckling.

EVERY player?

“Every player. We would have taken Magic, signed a bunch of free agents and CBA players, and built from there,” McCloskey said.

West ran the outrageous offer past Lakers ownership, but it was rejected.

“But they were thinking about it,” McCloskey said with a grin.

It’s tempting to say that the Lions, today, might want to take a look at Project Magic that Jack McCloskey put forth in early 1980.

Tempting to want to walk into the locker room and rip every single name plate off the stalls, save perhaps Calvin Johnson’s. And Jason Hanson’s.

Keep Calvin and Hanson, and find 51 other players, and go from there.

You think I’m joking?

What’s happening with the Lions now isn’t just a talent chasm between them and the rest of the NFL. That’s well known and hard enough to overcome. What’s also going down is a mentality, deep and ingrained. The thought, indeed even the belief, that it’s never going to happen here — from among the players themselves.

The Lions monkeyed around and found themselves with a nifty little 17-0 lead after the first quarter yesterday against Tampa Bay. They were making plays, on both sides of the ball. The Bucs, no doubt, were a little nauseous, wondering if they’d be the first team to lose to the Lions this season.

No worries. There were still 45 minutes left to play, after all!

The Lions imploded, and lost, 38-20. If this was basketball, we’d say that the Bucs closed the game with a 38-3 run.

But beyond that, some of the Lions players started using words like “here we go again” and “we don’t know how to win.” Doesn’t matter who said it; but it was said, and more than once.

It’s clear: the Lions players may talk about being embarrassed and being angry and determined, but not only are they outclassed, talent-wise, they are beaten mentally before the ball is even kicked off.

So it’s not enough, anymore, to bring a player in, here and there, to address needs. The Brian Kellys and Leigh Boddens aren’t enough.

There’s been a lot of talk about “blowing it up”, and starting over. Much of that talk has come here, in the form of the Eno Plan. But the talk has primarily revolved around the front office and coaching situation. The personnel part of it has been brushed aside, probably because it seems too daunting right now. It’s a lot easier to change a few heads than 53.

But we gotta keep thinking big here. What would be wrong, really, with a super duper serious turnover in personnel? Something huge, like 60 percent or more?

Think of it: 30+ players wearing Lions uniforms in 2009 that aren’t doing so right now. More, if you can do it. The more new faces you get in here, the more players you have that look at you cross-eyed when you start talking about recent history of Detroit football, the better. The more who will pin a pencil-necked sportswriter against the wall and sneer, “I don’t know what you’re talking about when you say ‘losing mentality.’ I’m a winner and I don’t think like that,” the better.

The Lions need a mental enema.

You can’t do it with this current bunch, because these guys have no idea what it’s like to handle any degree of success — not even a good first quarter, for cripes sakes. Even a new GM, a new coach, isn’t going to be enough with the current roster. Because a lot of these Lions have been through that before, too — at least the new coach part. They’ve seen and heard the brave words of the new man at the helm. They’ve been told that the bar is high and the West Coast offense is the way to the Promised Land and to pound the rock and dig for the light. And still they know, deep down, that they will come out at the wrong end of the score at the final gun every Sunday.

The 2009 Lions must be drastically different from the 2008 version — and not just with the guys who wear suits and ties and whistles around their necks. The dudes in pads have to be broomed, too. McCloskey only had to try to unload 12 players with the Pistons; the Lions must somehow jettison 30 or 40. But they simply have to try. This is one case where change for change’s sake is warranted. You know how many men are out there dying for a chance to play pro football? Guys who were maybe the last cuts in other training camps, or those looking for that “big break”? Guys with a pristine, blank memory when it comes to Lions football.

Think of it as throwing away your virus-infested computer with a fresh new one.

The Lions are not only beaten on the football field, they are beaten between the ears. The latter must be corrected before you can see any improvement on the former.

Hate? It Was All In Spirit Of Competition, Roy Says Now

It all started on December 2, 1995. That’s when the Detroit Red Wings, unbeknownst to them, created a monster.

That night, the Wings went into the famed Montreal Forum and put a good old-fashioned pasting on the Canadiens. They beat them, annihilated them, 11-1. Never before had a Red Wings team beaten a Canadiens squad so badly. And it happened on Montreal ice, no less.

In the process, the Red Wings helped set off a flurry of events that, ultimately, would lead to a key figure in a near-future rivalry tormenting them for years. Until he, finally, got his comeuppance.

I was watching the tube that night. The Red Wings were merciless, pelting Canadiens goalie Patrick Roy. As puck after puck poured past him, through him, behind him, the Forum crowd got nastier and nastier. Now, when a hockey team loses 11-1, it’s not because of one man, not even the netminder. It’s a total breakdown. Yet the Canadiens fans made it clear that the object of their derision was the arrogant and defiant Roy, a two-time Stanley Cup winner in Montreal. It mattered not that had it not been for Roy, there wouldn’t, most likely, be those two Cups, won in 1986 and 1993. Sports is a “what have you done for me lately?” business. So the Forum crowd let their frustration and embarrassment get the best of them.

Roy’s coach, Mario Tremblay, a former Canadiens player, didn’t do his goalie any favors, either. In retrospect, perhaps it’s Tremblay that the Red Wings should blame for toppling the first domino. For Tremblay didn’t do the honorable thing and pull Roy from the goal when the score was getting out of hand. He left his goalie on the ice, in the net, as if being punished. The inference was painfully evident: Tremblay had it out for Roy, for whatever reason, and thus was making a spectacle of him. Earlier, Roy had looked to the bench, after maybe the eighth or ninth goal. Patrick’s inference was evident, too: Get me out of here!! It’s not my night, coach!

Tremblay, staring hard at Roy from behind the bench, sneered and left his goalie in the net. Humiliating him. Cutting off his nose to spite his face.

Then it all came to a head. Roy made a routine save, and the Forum crowd cheered, oozing sarcasm. Roy heard it – who couldn’t have? – and raised his arms in mock triumph. Now Roy was showing up the fans.

At the next whistle, Tremblay finally, but still without mercy, called Roy to the bench. The humiliation was over, and so was Roy’s night in net.

The Forum had this odd set-up whereby the fans sitting directly behind the bench weren’t separated by glass from the players and coaches. If you weren’t careful, you’d spill your beer on Toe Blake or Scotty Bowman or Claude Ruel or Jacques Demers. On this night, sitting behind the Canadiens bench was Ronald Corey, president of the team. As Roy skated off the ice, he stopped at Corey’s seat. He whispered something into his ear as Tremblay looked on, burning up. What Roy said was basically this, confirmed by the principles: “Get me out of here. I just played my last game for the Canadiens.” Of course, that’s the version that I’m allowed to write in this family column.

Roy, indeed, played his last game for the Canadiens that night. A few days later, Corey obliged Patty, and shipped him to the Colorado Avalanche.

A rivalry was born!

The Red Wings and the Avalanche – shortened to Avs by those impatient and spelling-challenged sports writers – were about to engage in one of sports’ all-time greatest rivalries. From 1996-2002, the teams met in the playoffs five times. Three times the Avalanche, er, Avs, won. The two times the Red Wings triumphed, they went on to win the Stanley Cup.

And all the while, Red Wings fans had to deal with that cocky, disrespectful punk in net. Patrick Roy.

Initially, the object of the fans’ scorn in Detroit was the pugnacious, though cowardly forward, Claude Lemieux, who became Public Enemy #1 after rearranging Kris Draper’s face in the 1996 Western Conference Finals with a vicious hit from behind into the boards. But then Patty Roy opened his mouth one game later, and it was REALLY on.

The Avs won the first two games of that series in Detroit. Finally, in Game 5, the Red Wings won a game on home ice, moving them to within 3-2 in the series. Afterward, Roy refused to give props to the victorious Red Wings. Instead, he said…

“Well, you had to figure that they’d manage to win a home game sooner or later, wouldn’t you?”

Not only did he say it, he smirked about it smugly.

The Avs won that series, and the Cup one round later. The next year, it was the Red Wings’ turn. They beat the Avs in the Conference Finals, and won the Cup one round later.

The Avs beat the Red Wings in the second round in 1999 and 2000. Patty Roy’s team was now 3-1 in playoff series against Detroit. By now, Red Wings fans would have killed for another chance at Patty and the Avs.

Two years later, they got that chance.

Roy (right, battling Chris Osgood at the height of the Red Wings-Avs rivalry)

It was another conference final, another classic series. The Wings won Game 1 in Detroit. The Avs won Game 2. The Wings won Game 3 in Denver, in overtime. The Avs squared the series, then went ahead, 3-2, with an overtime win in Detroit. It looked like another Avs-over-Detroit series in the playoffs.

Then Patty Roy’s arrogance and flair for the dramatic jumped up and bit him, right through his hockey pants.

In a scoreless Game 6 in Denver, after a scramble in the Avs’ goal crease, Roy raised his gloved hand in triumph, certain the puck was in it. It wasn’t. It had fluttered out of his mitt and onto the ice, where Brendan Shanahan saw it and dutifully slapped it into the back of the net. The Red Wings added an insurance goal and won the game, 2-0. There would be a Game 7 in Detroit.

That’s when Roy got his comeuppance. Just like they had in Montreal six-and-a-half years earlier, the Red Wings pelted Roy with pucks. And just like in Montreal, those pucks were going into the net at a dizzying rate. The Red Wings chased Roy to the bench, a defeated rival. The final score was 7-0. The Red Wings won the Stanley Cup in the next round, right on cue.

This past week, as we media types talked to Roy on a conference call about his upcoming jersey retirement in Montreal, I made mention of those great Red Wings-Avs games. And I asked Patty if he was aware of how hated he was in Detroit. Yes, I used the word “hated.”

“It’s funny. I never really felt hated. The fans in Detroit love their team. I was playing golf with some Detroit people down in Myrtle Beach and they said, ‘Oh we hated you in Detroit’, but they were laughing about it. It was a great rivalry and those games were always a big deal. It was great competition.”

And what of that night in December, 1995, when the Red Wings unwittingly changed the course of hockey history?

“They say that one game doesn’t make a career,” Roy said, chuckling. “But I’m still remembered for that one game on December 2, 1995. People are still asking me about it.”

Hated or not, it’s nice to see Roy’s dramatic exodus from Montreal be overshadowed by his no. 33 jersey being hoisted to the rafters. It deserves to be up there, even if some folks would have liked to have seen Patty himself hanging instead of just his sweater. Perhaps you’re one of them. It’s likely that you are.

Good Field, No Hit Inge Poses A Quandary For Tigers

Without much else to think about when it comes to the Tigers, heading toward Thanksgiving, I actually came up with something.

Does Brandon Inge help or hurt the cause?

Talk amongst yourselves.

It’s a simple question to pose, but not as easy to answer.

Does Brandon Inge, with his premium leather at third base, save more runs than he fails to produce in the batter’s box?

It’s a relevant question, and has been for several years now, even as Inge has been rotating positions like tires on a car.

It seems as though Inge is back at third base, his favorite position. It would take too long to explain how he got there, but here’s the short version: Carlos Guillen appears to be the Tigers’ left fielder, and Dusty Ryan or a player TBD will be the everyday catcher. That leaves 3B for Inge.

But here’s the rub: third base is typically a position where you get some offense. Stellar glove work is great, but you gotta see some numbers with the bat, too.

Inge has become, frankly, a good field, no hit kind of player. The Eddie Brinkman of today’s Tigers.

Inge’s defense is nice, but his bat has been mostly naughty

But Steady Eddie played shortstop in an era when you didn’t require offense from that position. The game was full of Mark Belangers and Dal Maxvills and Brinkmans, until the latter portion of the 1970s and early-1980s, when players like Robin Yount, Cal Ripken Jr., and Alan Trammell began contributing offensively. Then it became chic to have a SS who could hit, too.

Inge isn’t getting any better, really, with the bat. His batting averages are consistently low, and what pop he has is more than neutralized by his enormous propensity to strike out. He’s a true no. 9 hitter. Which is fine — someone has to hit ninth — but is it fine for your everyday third baseman?

The easy answer is to say that Inge is so good defensively, robs so many others of base hits, that you can afford to have him drag down the bottom of your batting order.

The other easy answer is to pose another question: What to do with Brandon Inge, then, if he’s not to play third base everyday?

Good question. So I guess you’re stuck with him.

Now, I know that the Tigers have no choice but to play Inge at third base. And I know that he certainly robs others of base hits. He really is that good with the glove. But I bring it up because if Inge is to continue to do this, play 3B for the Tigers, then he must improve with the stick. His career depends on it. Because sooner or later, the Tigers or other teams are going to err on the side of offense and determine that they can downgrade slightly defensively in favor of a more potent bat at 3B.

Inge, believe it or not, is going to be 32 next May. His career BA is below .240. He strikes out about once for every four at-bats. It’s tempting to say that this is as good as it gets for him. How many players suddenly start to hit at age 32?

But it’s possible to show improvement. The easiest thing to do would be cut down on strikeouts. That can be done with mechanics, like shortening the swing, choking up slightly, etc. Just putting the ball into play more frequently would be improvement for Inge. He’s not a home run hitter, per se, so it’s not like you’d be robbing him of that by working with him on reducing the Ks.

Look at me, talking like a hitting coach!

But in all seriousness, Brandon Inge needs to start picking it up offensively. He’s been able to forge a MLB career without much of a bat thus far, but that train may come to a screeching halt one day — in Detroit or elsewhere.

Comedian John McKay Moonlighted As A Football Coach For Bucs, Or Vice Versa

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

The NFL had a much different way of supplying expansion teams with players in 1976 than they have nowadays. It was much crueler, for one.

Established teams could protect just about anyone they wanted, and the league didn’t provide much help in terms of extra draft picks or a more generous stable from which to choose players already playing pro football.

When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Seattle Seahawks entered the NFL in ‘76, they were left with slim pickings. The dregs of the league was what they had to choose from. Pretty much nothing more than that.

So maybe ownership in Tampa knew that their first head coach had better have a sterling sense of humor, considering the daunting task before him.

Enter John McKay.

They don’t make ‘em like McKay anymore. Not even close. McKay, from USC, was a stand-up comedian playing a football coach. To be fair, it was more like the other way around, because McKay had some definite success on the campus of Troy before jumping, feet first, into the NFL. Regardless, he was funny. We knew he had a twinkle in his eye and sarcasm and humor in his tone when he was at Southern Cal, but we didn’t know the extent of his one-liners until he arrived in Tampa.

It started in his very first team meeting.

“Everyone is picking us to be the worst team in the league,” McKay told his players, caught by the NFL Films cameras and microphones. “That means that they’re challenging my ability to coach. Now this hurts me. Second worst team, I can take. But not the worst team,” he said as his motley crew of unwanteds and vagabonds laughed.

McKay had plenty of comedy material to work with in Tampa. The team was awful, even by expansion standards. They famously lost their first 26 games before winning the final two games of their second season. Not only did they lose, they lost badly. The Bucs couldn’t score. Seven points per game was about their quota. Their offense was, by far, the worst in the league and among the very worst in modern NFL history.

So it enabled McKay to get off a bunch of zingers about his team during post-game addresses to the media.

To wit:

“What we needed was Knute Rockne but he’s not here.”

“We’ll come back next week and attempt to get a win in front of our home crowd. We’ve now proven we can’t win on the road OR in front of our home crowd. So what we would like is a neutral site.”

“Well, we didn’t block. But we made up for it by not tackling.”

When asked about his team’s execution: “I’m all for it.”

On the sidelines: “Half of these guys are brainless. And the other half are gutless.”

McKay bounced into Tampa talking about having a five year plan. It sounded good, and the reporters ate it up. But years later, he explained the method behind his madness.

“I had a five year contract,” McKay said. “If I had a three-year contract I would have had a three-year plan. So that’s how smart I was.”

Turns out, that three-year plan would have sufficed, almost. McKay got the Bucs into the NFC Championship game in Year Four, in 1979. They lost to the Los Angeles Rams, 9-0.

Two years later, the Bucs stole the NFC Central from the Lions on the final Sunday of the season, handing them their only home loss of the year.

Yes, that’s Wayne Fontes at the edge of this photo!

McKay retired after the 1984 season, and died in June 2001 from diabetes at age 77. His son Rich is currently the president of the Atlanta Falcons.

Oh, and McKay has a Lions connection. One of his loyal assistants at USC came over to the NFL with him and eventually coordinated his defense for the Bucs. That assistant then moved to the Lions in 1985 when Darryl Rogers became head coach.

Yes, John McKay was indirectly responsible for giving us Wayne Fontes.

Wayne wasn’t Knute Rockne, either, but his days in Detroit are looking better and better, aren’t they?

If It’s Thursday, It’s "The Knee Jerks!"

Sorry to break this to you, but this is Thursday at OOB, and that means you’ve stumbled across “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al”, my weekly confab with that MVP of the MVN, Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience.

In today’s webisode, we tackle U-M football as seen thru the eyes of coach Rich Rodriguez; the untimely (I think) firing of Tampa Bay Lightning coach Barry Melrose; the chances of the Lions pulling that 0-16 thing; and MSU’s unhealthy obsession with U-M.

Toss in some Word Association and Jerk of the Week, and you have the recipe for success…right?

Anyhow, carry on!

*****************************************

Eno: Can you believe it’s Thursday again, already?? That means you’re about to be subjected to “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al.” I’m Eno, aka The Journalist, and he’s Big Al, aka the NEW Mr. Big Shot, now that Chauncey Billups is gone. How are ya, Al?

Big Al: As good as a middle-aged blogger and sports fan can be! I like that – I’m “Mr. Big Shot” in all conversations from now on, Mr. Journalist!

Eno: OK. I had been changing it every week, but if you like that, we’ll keep it like that. Let’s dive right in. I wrote about this yesterday: U-M football coach Rich Rodriguez says angry fans should “get a life”. Thoughts?

Big Al: He needs to “get a win!” I try not to take the angst of football coaches too seriously, as they always have some perceived slight to bitch about. But methinks RichRod has yet to grasp the importance of Michigan football to the fan base and alumni. This isn’t West Virginia; this is MICHIGAN, and MICHIGAN doesn’t lose nine games in a season. Honestly, I don’t believe he knows just how important the tOSU game is, either.

Eno: I think it’s kinda cute how naive he still is. I think it’s admirable to try to inject perspective, but like you said: THIS IS MICHIGAN. There AIN’T no perspective. RR tried to turn everyone’s attention to the economy, a la Barack Obama. It worked for Barack, but it’s not going to work in Ann Arbor. Like I wrote: every fan could be homeless and penniless – it doesn’t matter when there’s a 3-8 white elephant in the room!

Big Al: Exactly. WVU had a statewide fan base. Michigan has a NATIONWIDE fan base. A fan base that, rightly or wrongly, believes ten wins and a New Year’s Day bowl game is a birthright. If RichRod thought WVU was a pressure cooker, he stepped from the pan into a blazing inferno when he took the Wolverines job. I understand some of his frustration, but RichRod has not done a very good job this year. To lose to a two-win Toledo team is a fireable offense in my book. I know it won’t and shouldn’t happen, but emotions run wide and deep when it comes to Michigan!

Eno: Well, maybe this will be good for EVERYONE – coaches, fans, players, even the media – in the long run. Maybe U-M needed this kind of collapse to gain, ahem, perspective. But really, this kind of year was long overdue and maybe it’ll make everyone work harder and the fans will look around and see that just about every big time program has gone thru it. Look at Notre Dame last year. As for Ohio State, I do think he understands how big it is. And I stand by my cockamamie belief that U-M will give those Buckeyes a run for their money. I know it has “blowout” written all over it, but you have a bunch of U-M seniors who’ve never beaten OSU. Look for a close game, my friend.

Big Al: I do agree the Michigan program and fan base were long overdue for a bit of comeuppance, but come on! THREE lousy wins? This ain’t Indiana. As for the Big Game, I hope you’re right, but deep down inside I feel a 1968-style blowout coming. “The ghost of Woody Hayes” will be pleased.

Eno: You mean when he was asked why he went for two late in that game? “Because I couldn’t go for THREE!” Or how about those bumper stickers: “Oh How I Hate Ohio State”, and “Woody Is a Pecker.” Gotta love it. It’s funny. The game is EITHER going to be a blowout or really close. My gut tells me really close. Speaking of football and guts, what does yours tell you about the Lions? Do you believe, in your gut, heart, spleen, appendix, that the Tabbies will go 0-16?

Big Al: God, the Lions. Between the auto industry collapsing, the Wolverines turning into the Hoosiers on the gridiron, and the Lions with an excellent shot at going 0 for the season, can things get anymore depressing in the D? Don’t answer that question! As for the Lions, common wisdom is it’s impossible to go winless over a season. The old adage “On any given Sunday…” remains true. But looking at the Lions’ schedule, and how they are playing, 0-16 is not a bad bet. But when I think about it, as much as I want 0-16 to happen, I don’t think it will. [Quarterback] Daunte Culpepper may step up, and win a game or two on his own.

Eno: TWO??? TWO???? Oh my goodness, do I see a Kool-Aid mustache on your upper lip? Cripes sakes, Al. If they win one it’ll be a miracle. They just don’t have enough to compete for sixty minutes. I always thought that the Lions would benefit by one NFL rule change: switch the lengths of games to forty minutes. Their record would improve mightily!

Big Al: HEY! I’m no cornbread eater! I’m insulted. You just stepped into “Jerk of the Week” territory! Seriously, a win is possible for a couple of reasons. Kevin Smith is stepping up his game. Calvin Johnson, when the Lions get him the ball, is a game breaker, (7 TD’s and 18.6 YPC are impressive stats) and Culpepper is getting better. I can’t believe I’m DEFENDING THE LIONS! How did this happen?! I’m so confused…

Eno: CJ’s stats have been artificially inflated by, like, four plays this season, including that 90+ yard catch against Houston. But you know my feelings about him. Seriously, man, one win is about it. But regardless, Rod Marinelli must go. Can you imagine the PR nightmare if the Lions bring him back? Do you think he knows he’s a goner? His record is going to be either 10-38 or 11-37 after this season.

Big Al: The possibility of The Shoveler returning is why I’m rooting for a winless season. I’m scared to DEATH William Clay Ford will think a late season win or two is a sign of improvement, and keep Mr. Pad-Level for another season. In the eyes of the fans, Mr. Dig Towards The Light has to go. If the Lions even entertain the idea of retaining him, it will be torch and pitchfork time at Allen Park HQ.

Eno: LOL, I know what you mean. But I’m thinking that Junior might be starting to exert more of his will over things now, and that smarter heads will prevail. The ONLY game I see them winning is either Tampa Bay or Minnesota at home. That’s it. On the bright side, you mentioned Kevin Smith. I like that kid. A lot.

Big Al: Which is another reason the coaching staff should be given the ziggy. It took them TEN GAMES to determine Smith was their best running back! Insanity, pure insanity. Amazingly, Smith is a draft choice who is not a bust. Those have been few and far between during the Matt Millen Era. Speaking of which, I think 0-16 would be the perfect reflection of Millen’s incompetence. It has to happen to ensure the man goes down in infamy as the worst GM in sports history. He’s been gone for a couple of months now, but Millen still looms large over this sad franchise.

Eno: 0-16 would simply be a blemish that would stain the franchise forever. Even if someone does it after them, the Lions would be the first. They’re already in the midst of one of the worst eight-year stretches in league history. If they keep Martin Mayhew as GM (a bad idea) then they MUST hire a big-name, high-profile head coach. They can NOT go the “little known assistant” route, unless it’s someone from New England, Dallas, etc. The Lions don’t have that luxury. Gotta be a big time guy. And this job isn’t as bad as some might think. You get to work for the Fords, which NFL people think is a good thing, and you have the chance to be elected mayor of Detroit, governor of Michigan, and have job security for LIFE if you manage to turn this thing around. You’d be a freaking legend.

Big Al: Why else would have Bill Parcells approached the Lions? He knows running the team is one of the best gigs in the NFL. [You have] hands-off ownership; state of the art facilities; and a fan base desperate for a winner. What’s not to like? I’m sure the Lions will have their pick of some of the best and brightest from the front office guys in the league, for the reasons we both mentioned. The only question is, after 50 years of hiring the wrong guys, why should we think the Lions will get it right this time?

Eno: Good point. Thanks – now I’m depressed again. OK, turning to the ice. The Tampa Bay Lightning fire Barry Melrose 16 games into the season. Stupid is as stupid does. Or do you have another opinion?

Big Al: Last week I said Melrose would be back at ESPN sooner than later. I just didn’t think it would be this soon! Melrose had been away from coaching for 15 years; it was silly to think he could step right back into coaching at the highest level. Tampa Bay, from the ownership on down, is a mess.

Eno: SIXTEEN GAMES!! That’s just plain dumb. Unless something happened behind the scenes that was heinous, this is an inexcusable decision. If you’re gonna think outside the box and hire a TV dude, then don’t bail on him after 16 games. That’s lunacy. Whether you like Melrose or not, this is a dumb decision. Dumb, dumb, dumb. GM Brian Lawton: “We have high standards here.” Really, Brian? How about UNREALISTIC standards! When teams do stuff like this, it just makes me crazy. Like the Brewers firing Ned Yost with 12 games to go.

Big Al: The hubris of some owners is amazing. Just because they were successful at business (or in some cases, inherited a Scrooge McDuck level of riches //cough//William Clay Ford//cough//) they think they can be just as successful running a sports franchise. It doesn’t work that way. We’ve seen it time and time again over the decades, with the likes of Daniel Snyder, Ted Turner and Ted Stepien thinking they can make personnel and coaching decisions.

Eno: Literally, in the case of Teddy, who managed the Braves for a day before Bowie Kuhn kicked him out of the dugout. OK, I’ve been dominating this conversation. Before we move on to Word Association, whatya got?

Big Al: Any thoughts on Spartans’ head football coach Mark Dantonio living up to the stereotype of your typical Sparty who is overly obsessed with the Wolverines? It would be in the Spartans’ best interest if Michigan beat tOSU. But he was quoted as saying “Go Bucks!” in front of the media!

Eno: *head in hands* YES, yes, YES! Oh, Mark! It even seems contrived, as if that’s what he feels he’s SUPPOSED to say. Clearly an OSU loss helps Sparty. I think even Sparty fans know that. Hey, as much as I hate, hate, HATE the Minnesota Vikings, if a Vikings win helps the Lions, then I’m like, GO VIKES! That was pretty weird of Dantonio to say, I admit. But it just goes to show: they’re still learning how to handle winning in East Lansing.

Big Al: Dantonio has done a very good job of turning the Spartans program around, but I just don’t get what the man is thinking at times. Between his seething over the “little brother” comment and insulting Mike Hart in return, to this latest foot in mouth episode, the Spartans come off as being too worried the Wolverines. They need to be more concerned with East Lansing, and forget about continually comparing themselves to “big brother.” OK, ready for some Word Association?

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WORD ASSOCIATION

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Eno: Yep – you ready to start, or are you going to defer and defend the south goal?

Big Al: I guess I can start this time… Here goes!

Big Al: Rich Rodriguez

Eno: Confused.

Big Al: No doubt. Lions’ defensive coordinator Joe Barry.

Eno: Embarrassment.

Big Al: Works for me. Red Wings head coach Mike Babcock

Eno: He deserves two words: consummate professional.

Big Al: He’s the best in the NHL, without question. OK, the man who believes Detroit will lose a sports team, Freep columnist Drew Sharp.

Eno: Jackass.

Eno: OK, my turn.

Big Al: Go for it.

Eno: The Oklahoma City Thunder.

Big Al: Seattle Supersonics! They’ll always be the Sonics to me!

Eno: Nicely played, and very diplomatic. You see their record? OK, Dave Dombrowski.

Big Al: Pressure.

Eno: Dusty Ryan.

Big Al: Three words: Opening Day starter.

Eno: Three words that ought to scare Tigers fans to death. OK, NASCAR.

Big Al: I’m saying this as someone who grew up as a fan of stock car racing, and thinks Cale Yarborough is the shiznit. “BORING!”

Eno: And finally, Lions head coach Bill Cowher.

Big Al: YES!

Eno: Before Jerk of the Week, I want to get your impressions of all this weeknight college football. My opinion? We don’t need football on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights. Am I a JOTW candidate for saying so?

Big Al: No, as we are going through a bit of football overload right now. But I can’t blame the schools who agree to play on weeknights. It gets (for example) the MAC national exposure, and keeps the 4 Letter (ESPN) from replaying the World Series of Poker for the umpteenth time. I’m more upset by the NFL Thursday night package, which is on the NFL Network – a network NO ONE HAS! There are some very good match-ups no one can watch, save for crappy online look-ins on NFL.com. But I digress…

Eno: You mean I’m the only one who gets the NFL Network? You gotta get the dish, my friend!! You make a good point re: the smaller conferences. I suppose that makes sense for them. OK….drumroll please…..

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JERK OF THE WEEK

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Eno: JERK OF THE WEEK TIME!!! Who’s yours, Big Al?

Big Al: I had to think long and hard, and I almost went with Dantonio. But I have to go with…Drew Sharp. His fear mongering column stating Detroit was bound to lose one of our beloved pro sports teams because of the economy, population shift and whatever BS he pulled out of his you know where, felt like he was just piling on. If there is one thing the Detroit metro area takes pride in is being a four sports town, and for the most part, supporting them quite well attendance wise. I felt like Sharp was, to be quite blunt, pissing all over Detroit fans who are going through some unimaginably tough times in their personal lives. I’m sorry, but the man is a hack. Who’s your jerk, Mr. Journalist?

Eno: Sharp is yours two weeks in a row – not that I’m surprised. OK, I must go with Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb, for not knowing the rules of the NFL re: overtime games in the regular season. I bet the Eagles wish he had kept that little fact in private. Makes the whole franchise look dumb!

Big Al: I was amazed at McNabb’s statement. But it goes to show you that many athletes aren’t really fans of their own sport. It’s a paycheck, a job, nothing more. I know you have to get going , as you are interviewing one of my all-time most hated players, Patty Waah [Patrick Roy], so I think we need to wrap this up. Any final thoughts?

Eno: Well, next Thursday is Thanksgiving Day so I guess both of our faithful readers are going to be enjoying us with a turkey leg in one hand and their mouse in the other. Or a foam brick, whichever.

Big Al: Well, they may not be watching the Lions game, as it’s not yet a sell out. So they may not have anything better to do but read “The Knee Jerks!”

Eno: We’re more entertaining, anyway, if you ask me. OK, my friend – see ya next week!

Big Al: As Jim Rome says, “I’m ouuuuuut!”

RichRod Gamely Tries To Inject Perspective Into U-M Football; Good Luck With That

It’s the economy, stupid.

That was the mantra during Bill Clinton’s drive toward his successful bid for the presidency in 1992, spread by his Johnny Appleseed, James Carville. And Clinton rode that focus on the economy straight into the White House.

Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez seems to want to use that same strategy to divert attention from the white elephant in the room — namely, his football team.

RichRod bristled during his Monday press conference about some of the vitriol and personal attacks that he’s had to weather because of U-M’s unseemly 3-8 record — the most losses for a Michigan football team. Ever.

He said that those fans — which no doubt included more than a few alumni — should “get a life”. His words. Then Rodriguez borrowed another campaign theme, i.e. redistributing the worry.

“I mean, look at the economy,” Rodriguez said.

Nice try, coach.

But this is Ohio State week, and even if every single Wolverine fan were homeless, penniless, and financially hopeless, the focus would be on the Buckeyes — no matter how much you’d like to hide that 3-8 white elephant.

Hey coach — nice try! But it’s the team, stupid!

An unlikely win over the Buckeyes — and make no mistake, this would be about as unlikely as it gets — would go a long way toward making this muck somewhat digestible. Rodriguez’s team could, in one fell swoop, send Wolves fans into the bowl-less season with a degree of holiday cheer.

And as far as the “get a life” comment: they already have one, those types. It’s called Michigan football. Don’t you know that by now, coach?

Yes, it would be lovely if all the critics — and that train is so full that a second has just been summoned to carry them all — would look at the state’s failing economy and put things into perspective. It would be grand if they suddenly said, collectively, “You know what? This whole Michigan football thing — not really all that important. How am I going to pay the mortgage?”

But here’s the rub: fans use sports as an escape route from life’s daily problems. Two or three hours away from the bills and the angst life brings is just what the doctor ordered, even if what you’re escaping to is dysfunction. So to tell people to “get a life” and pay attention to the economy is counter intuitive; they want to ESCAPE their lives and the economy — stupid!

No, Rodriguez isn’t stupid. He’s just stupid about the football fans in Michigan. But he’ll learn. He’ll come to know that they don’t want to be told to channel their anger and frustration to more important things; they’re perfectly happy channeling it toward your football team, coach. And they’re perfectly unhappy with being told otherwise by the man presiding over the worst season in U-M football history.

The timing of the “get a life” comment couldn’t have been much worse, coming during OSU week. Even Bo Schembechler’s amazingly ironic death two years ago — on the eve of the Big Game — failed to dwarf the game itself. Of course, in 2006, the Wolves and Buckeyes were actually playing for something more than one team simply wanting to spoil the other’s season. But once the ball was kicked off, Bo’s death was set aside for three hours, despite the numbing shock of its news.

I know what RichRod is trying to impart. I truly do. Good intentions are terrific. Well-meaning pleas for perspective are honorable. And to a more sane, reasonable, and significantly less spoiled electorate, maybe Rodriguez’s words would have taken hold. But these are Michigan football fans, and this is all they’ve got, many of them. So don’t go ruining it by injecting sanity and perspective, OK?

Rodriguez will learn soon enough. He’s not in West Virginia anymore.

Get a life? Sure — as soon as you get a clue.

For First Time In Detroit, Dombrowski On The Hot Seat

Three years ago, he made news by signing veteran free agent pitcher Kenny Rogers, fresh off a summer in which Rogers took a few jabs — literally — at a cameraman and in which Rogers took an All-Star spot for the game at Comerica Park that Detroiters felt (me included) belonged to Jeremy Bonderman. Two years ago, he made news by trading for enigmatic outfielder/DH Gary Sheffield. Last year around this time, he set the baseball world on its ear by trading for Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis — just a month after dealing for SS Edgar Renteria.

This year?

Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski sits on a considerably warmer seat this November and December than he did at any other time in his tenure in Detroit, which began seven Novembers ago. Never before, in Motown, has his job security been in question. There truly is a first time for everything.

DD is vulnerable because of the verifiably awful 12 months he has just experienced — some of his own doing. After the 2007 season, a summer in which the Tigers had the best record in baseball at the All-Star break then faded afterward, DD got out his scalpel. Then he said, “screw this”, and got out a meat cleaver.

In came LF Jacque Jones (remember him?), SS Renteria, and 3B/1B Cabrera and LHP Willis. Gone were a lot of the Tigers’ future players, in the trades. On paper, the moves seemed to be exactly what the team needed to separate itself from the pack in the AL Central. Some said it separated them from the rest of MLB.

Oh, they separated the Tigers, alright. But in the opposite direction. Incredibly, the Tigers sank to last place in their division, behind even those perennial doormats, the Kansas City Royals.

Was that bad season enough, by itself, to put DD on warning? Well, Tigers owner Mike Ilitch didn’t pay $138 million kajillion to finish behind the Royals. Let’s just put it that way.

Nothing DD touched last year turned into anything remotely like gold. If there was ever an award given out called The SO NOT Executive of the Year, Dombrowski would have won, hands down. He had all the success that that bull in the china shop had in not breaking anything.

So yes, these awful last 12 months are enough to make DD a potential ziggy victim, if significant improvement isn’t shown in 2009. He and his manager, Jim Leyland, are both on the radar now. Neither has much margin for error. A 75-87 record, after what the owner provided in terms of both financial and emotional support, is unacceptable. First there should be apologies. Then there should be some more careful, more precise moves to address the Tigers’ suddenly vacuous franchise. And these moves had better work.

Too much pressure? Tough. Dombrowski took a turn at the roulette wheel and the slot machines last year, and came up with nothing but 00s and lemons. With the owner’s money, to boot.

The Tigers are, strangely, much worse off now than they were one year ago before all the splashy, high-profile signings and trades. That’s usually not how it’s supposed to work.

Let’s see what DD does this off-season to patch these holes: pitching, defense, shortstop, catcher, left field. That’s a longer shopping list than you normally have if you are a contender. But it’s about the right length when you’re a last place team, which the Tigers are, like it or not.

Dave Dombrowski has done a lot of good things since taking over in November 2001. You could even argue that he’s done more good than bad, overall. But coaches with overall winning records get fired, if those wins didn’t come at the right time. It’s a “What have you done for me lately?” business, sports is, and if you look at DD’s record lately, it’s not pretty.

Is it ugly enough to get the ziggy? Not by itself, but another series of blunders is likely to put DD over the top — and off the cliff.

Marinelli Has Already Channeled Bobby Ross, So Why Not Joe Schmidt, Too?

I highly doubt that Joe Schmidt, still among us somewhere in metro Detroit in blissful retirement, even remembers the exchange. But since it was captured by the TV news cameras, and since the man holding the microphone was the acerbic Al Ackerman, and since I have a steel trap for this sort of stuff but have difficulty remembering where I placed my keys, I recall it for you now.

I’m recalling it because Lions head coach Rod Marinelli had some frustrated words for the media after yesterday’s 31-22 loss to the Carolina Panthers, and the words were hauntingly familiar to the mini-diatribe that Lions HC Schmidt had against Ackerman, way back in the early-1970s.

Ackerman was haranguing Schmidt — Al did that a lot to the coaches and players in his prime — about the Lions’ linebacker situation in training camp at Cranbrook. And Al had finally gotten under Schmidt’s skin (another frequent occurrence) when the exchange broke into something similar to the following.

Al: Do you feel comfortable with the linebackers you have right now? You seem to be a little thin at linebacker.

Schmidt: What are you saying, Al?

Al: I’m saying that it seems like you’re a little thin at linebacker.

Schmidt: You want to find me one, Al? You have a linebacker you’d like me to play?

Al: But–

Schmidt: Where am I going to find a linebacker, Al? You gonna find me a linebacker?

You gotta love it.

Marinelli came perilously close to reenacting that “discussion” after the game Sunday. He was trying to explain his team’s 17th loss in its last 18 games, which brought his record to 10-32 as Lions coach. The issue, in Marinelli’s mind, seemed to be talent, if you glean something from his choice of words, which were very Joe Schmidt-like.

“There’s nobody else out there,” Marinelli said. “There’s nobody out there. You want to go out on the street and look for me? If you bring somebody back, I’ll look at him. No, no. You go out on the street and find one. So these are the men I have.”

Now, I would never expect a football coach to admit that his team isn’t talented enough — at least not on the record. That’s expecting a little too much honesty. Besides, that’s what the media and the bottom-feeding bloggers are for, he wrote, being a member of both camps.

But these may also have been the smartest words to come out of Marinelli’s mouth in a very long time. Of course, it’s all for naught. He’s to be fired moments after the final whistle this season. Make no mistake.

Rather, the Lions better make no mistake.

There’s going to be, maybe, quite an off-season around Detroit when it comes to its pro football team. Team president Matt Millen has been fired, and he needs to be replaced. Interim GM Martin Mayhew may be one of the brightest young executives around, but it hardly matters.

Here’s the deal: the Lions have no face. They generate no excitement. They are hemorrhaging fans. They’re like the Republicans, for gosh sakes.

But they have two chances to make one, just like the old NBA free throw system. They have two vacancies to fill: permanent GM, and head coach. They need only to get one right to start shoring up their fan base.

If they stick with Mayhew (which would be a mistake, but that’s a whole other blog post) then the Lions had better snare a high-profile head coach with success sprinkled all over his resume. No more position coaches or “highly regarded” coordinators. But if the new GM is high profile and has credibility, then he might be able to pass the smell test if he were to hire a lesser-known guy as head coach. That’s because the fans would be listening to the new GM, not the old administration, tell them why the new coach is going to be just terrific.

There are columnists and colleagues of mine, who I respect, who’ll tell you that they’ve never called for a man to be fired and they never will. Fine. But what about accountability? Shouldn’t that be demanded?

Rod Marinelli, if he finishes the expected 1-15 or 0-16 this season, will be either 11-37 or 10-38 as Lions head coach. You cannot — can NOT — have such a record after three seasons and not be held accountable, i.e. fired. At least, you can’t if your bosses are serious about running a business.

Bill Ford Sr. didn’t make his money in pro football. He made it in the auto industry. Luckily for him, football isn’t his main source of income. Of course, the whole auto industry thing isn’t looking too good lately, either. Regardless, the Fords are businessmen, first and foremost. And I would hope that the businessman in them would recognize that you can’t bring back both halves of this current GM/coach partnership in 2009. It would be a disaster, from public relations to customer service.

How many season ticket holders have the Lions lost in recent years? And how many more would they lose if they try to come back in 2009 with Martin Mayhew as GM and Rod Marinelli as head coach?

No, one of them, at least, must be replaced — and for sure it must be Marinelli. To be 11-37 or 10-38 and still be on the job is heinous. I’ve written it before: everywhere else in pro sports, if you lose you get fired. Why shouldn’t it be true in Detroit with the Lions?

And to my compadres who get icky over calling for a coach’s head: there are only 32 men in the world who hold the title of head coach in the National Football League. So shouldn’t these 32 men be the best of the best? And if they’re not, shouldn’t someone else get a shot at being one of those elite 32?

Marinelli, it appears, is at his wit’s end. He doesn’t have the guys to compete for sixty minutes in the NFL. So it should be the players who go, right? Perhaps, but in Miami, where the talent isn’t all that different this year than from 2007, the Dolphins are 6-4 one year after being 1-15. They changed coaches, in case you didn’t know. Now look at them. So maybe the Lions don’t have the talent to compete for sixty minutes with this head coach. Oh, and they changed presidents too, to a guy named Bill Parcells.

The problem isn’t just talent. Marinelli is in over his head, from clock management to game planning to in-game decisions. That’s no crime; maybe he’s better suited to be a position coach. That’s not against the law, last I checked.

So don’t tell me that turnarounds are impossible, or that the fix can’t be quick. Not if you make the right hires — and dismissals.

Iverson Finally Puts A Face On Stale Pistons

They were the bane of the NBA.

Rude, arrogant, snarling basketball players who played as if they stowed their own version of the rule book in their locker room. Champions, they became, with the league commissioner smiling at them in public and grousing about them privately.

The Bad Boys!

That’s what they called the Pistons of the late-1980s, early-1990s. It’s also what they called themselves. They didn’t shy from the reputation; they embraced it. Maybe a bit too much.

They played hard and they fouled hard. They used their superior defense to break their opponent’s neck, then their spirit. Other teams called them dirty, unfair, cocky, you name it. It was all true, of course.

For two seasons in a row, the Bad Boys terrorized the NBA as they won the league’s brass ring. Commish David Stern and his lieutenants fretted that this rambunctious, rowdy bunch of hooligans would forever change the way the pro game would be played. Namely, would other teams take the brutish route toward victory?

But then Superman, aka Michael Jordan, swooped in and rescued the NBA from the Bad Boys. Jordan’s Chicago Bulls, thrice swatted out of the playoffs – literally and figuratively – by the Pistons (1988-90), finally toppled the Bad Boys in 1991. The Bulls then won six of the next eight championships. Stern and his minions didn’t have to worry about the Bad Boys, or anyone else following their lead, any longer.

Since every gang has to have a leader, the Pistons of those days were no exception. And little Isiah Thomas was the team’s Leo Gorcey to its Dead End Kids.

Make no mistake – Thomas WAS the face of the Pistons. There was the flopping, maddening Bill Laimbeer. The Neanderthal-like Rick Mahorn. That pest, Dennis Rodman, aka The Worm. The petulant, dark Adrian Dantley, who was replaced by the petulant, once-upon-a-time troublemaker Mark Aguirre. But the leader of the pack was Isiah, all six-foot-one of him. The smiling assassin. He had that cherubic face but he just as soon stomp on your heart on the basketball court.

They were the Bad Boys but know this: Thomas was the first person you thought of when you thought of the Detroit Pistons. He was one of those NBA players that only needed to go by one name, or a nickname. There was Magic. Kareem. MJ. Dr. J. And Isiah.

It says here that ever since Thomas retired in 1994, the Pistons have been faceless. Doesn’t mean they’ve been unsuccessful. Just faceless.

What about Grant Hill, you ask?

Hill, a Piston from 1994-2000, was a very nice young man. A terrific basketball player. He still is both of those things, though not as young. But he didn’t have the strong, dominant personality needed to be the “face” of any basketball franchise. Plus, the teams he played on weren’t all that good. Some wouldn’t even want their face associated with those Pistons teams to begin with, much less BE the face.

The Pistons got better and won another championship, in 2004. But the way they did it was opposite of a franchise with a face. They prided themselves on being a franchise that didn’t need a face. They beat the star-studded Lakers in ’04, and this was going to usher in a new way of winning: the way that didn’t need a superstar player. Just a bunch of hard-working dudes – good, but not great players coming together in a common goal.

That lasted about one year.

The Pistons lost in the 2005 Finals to the San Antonio Spurs, who featured superstar Timmy Duncan. They lost in the 2006 conference finals to the Miami Heat, who featured superstar Dwyane Wade. They lost in the 2007 conference finals to the Cleveland Cavaliers, who featured superstar LeBron James. And they lost in the 2008 conference finals to the Boston Celtics, who featured superstars Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce.

See a pattern here?

But now the Pistons, some 14+ years since Isiah Lord Thomas hung up his sneakers, finally have a face. A superstar. Someone around whom to worship on the basketball court.

Allen Iverson is about Isiah’s size: six-feet tall, on his tippy toes. One-hundred-and-sixty-five pounds, soaking wet and with $100 worth of quarters in his pockets. Tougher than nails. Still some street in him. A shrimp, really, in a giant’s game. And also one of the most prolific scorers in NBA history.

A face, finally, for the Pistons.

Iverson isn’t cherubic like Thomas, but he’s the new Pistons face

A couple weeks ago, Iverson came over from Denver for Chauncey Billups, the poor man’s Isiah. A point guard who had a lot of journeyman in his resume but who found gold in Detroit. The MVP of the 2004 Finals. Mr. Big Shot, they called him. But it was mainly a Detroit nickname – an invention of announcer George Blaha, spouted after some clutch Chauncey shots, once upon a time.

But Chauncey Billups wasn’t the face of the Pistons, either. He was merely one of the starting five — albeit one of the very best starting fives in the league. But he was no more the face than was the bellicose Rasheed Wallace, or the whirling dervish Rip Hamilton, or the quiet beanpole Tayshaun Prince. Together, they were A face. But there was no REAL face.

Iverson gives them that face. For the first time since Isiah, as noted above. The first genuine superstar to wear a Pistons uniform in 14 years-plus. The first player who can truly create his own shot, who craves the ball with the game on the line. The first one who mingles among the NBA elite. He’s AI and The Answer, Iverson is. He’s nicknamed and everything.

Ironically, Iverson might not be a Piston beyond this season. He’s a free agent at the end of it, and there’s sourced talk that president Joe Dumars (himself a one-time Bad Boy) is perhaps using Iverson’s contract so that when it comes off the books next summer, Dumars will have lots of cash to spend – whether on AI or on someone else. But rest assured, it will be a superstar player. No more of this “basketball is a team sport” stuff. The Pistons have tried it that way for the past four seasons, and it hasn’t worked.

Allen Iverson, the face of the Pistons. For one season, anyway. But it’s one season longer than they’ve had a face since 1994.

After A Stellar Career In New Orleans, Mills Became Heart & Soul Of Baby Panthers

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

Sam Mills was a runt. A midget on the football field. But his heart was the size of the Earth, a planet that he only graced for 45 years.

Mills was no ordinary football player. There was his career history, for one. He was a rarity — a player in both the old USFL and for the expansion Carolina Panthers. In between, he was one of a quartet of linebackers for the New Orleans Saints that could have been considered one of the best LB units in modern NFL history. Then he coached linebackers. Then he got cancer and died.

That’s the thumbnail version.

Mills, not even 5′10″ tall, was told he was too small to play in the NFL when he graduated from tiny Montclair State University. But thankfully for him, the United States Football League was around, and the USFL took him in. He played for Philadelphia, then Baltimore when the franchise moved. His coach was Jim Mora, and that would be important in short order, because when Mora became head coach of the New Orleans Saints, he took Mills with him. Suddenly, Sam Mills wasn’t too short anymore to play in the NFL.

It was in New Orleans that Mills teamed with Pat Swilling, Rickey Jackson, and Vaughan Johnson to form “The Dome Patrol”, a wonderful blend of speed, ferociousness, and guts who combined for 18 Pro Bowl appearances among them between the mid-1980s and the first half of the 1990s. When you watched the Saints play on TV, it was both easy and difficult to find Mills on the field. It was difficult because he was so short, but it was also easy — because he was so short.

“Who’s that little guy wearing #51 wreaking all that havoc?”

Mills had built such a reputation that the Panthers immediately snatched him up when he became a free agent after the 1994 season. The Panthers wanted Mills to lend veteran leadership and give the team some instant credibility. He did that, along with starting all 48 games of the Panthers’ first three seasons. In their second-ever season in 1996, the Panthers made it to the NFC Championship, and Mills made yet another Pro Bowl team — at age 37. He retired after the ‘97 season and coached the team’s linebackers.

This would be a nice place for a paragraph telling of how Mills went on to a head coaching job, or that he’s still coaching LBs in the NFL, or that he’s doing TV analyst work. Or anything else that people who are still living do.

But Mills was diagnosed with intestinal cancer in August 2003. Told he had only a few months to live, he underwent chemotherapy and radiation and continued to coach. He was an inspirational force in the Panthers’ post-season run to Super Bowl XXXVIII. His plea to “Keep Pounding” in an emotional speech before the Panthers’ victory over the Dallas Cowboys later became the name of a fund to sponsor cancer research programs.

Mills died at his home in Charlotte, NC on the morning of April 18, 2005. He was 45.

Those weren’t the paragraphs that anyone was looking for when it came to Sam Mills, but they’re true. Sadly so.

Welcome To "The Knee Jerks" — Webisode #7

Word Association! Jerk of the Week! Those are the two newest features installed in time for this week’s webisode of “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al”, my weekly foray into the sometimes inane world of sports with Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience.

This Thursday, Al and I tackle the new-look Pistons; the utter incompetence of anything Detroit Lion; U’M’s chances to win another football game; and the Tigers’ never-ending search for a reliable closer. Plus, of course, Word Association and you’ll see who our Jerks of the Week are. (Hint: they’re in the MSM, and are likely to be regular JOTWs).

So put your trays in the upright position, and there’ll be no moving about in the cabin…..

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Eno: Good grief! It’s Thursday AGAIN? Time for another webisode of “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al.” I’m Eno, aka The Journalist, and he’s Big Al, aka The MVP of the MVN. How goes it, Al?

Big Al: I’m just a little ole blogger trying to make it in the big, bad blogosphere. I’m doing just fine and kinda dandy! I’m digging towards the light!

Eno: Nice! OK, on today’s docket will be the new features: Word Association and Jerk of the Week. But for now…how ’bout those “0-2 with Allen Iverson Detroit Pistons” [ed. Note: as of Tuesday morning]

Big Al: What? I’m sorry, I’m digging with my sharp shovel… Oh, yeah, the Pistons. Nothing to be worried about yet. It’s going to take time for Iverson to get in tune with the Pistons’ offense. I’m more concerned with the big men. They miss Antonio McDyess on the 2nd unit.

Eno: Does your gut tell you that Dice will be a Piston again some 30 days hence? Or will the Big, Bad Celtics or Cavs snatch him up?

Big Al: That’s my concern, and if I were a contender, I’d love to have Dice coming off of my bench. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if someone other than the Pistons made a big time run at Dice. The Pistons and Joe Dumars have to be, at the very least, concerned.

Eno: But here’s the rub: Dice LOVES it in Detroit. Loves Joe D, loves the organization. Might he tell everyone else, “Thanks but no thanks”, and return to Detroit anyway? Or is that just me being wishful in my thinking?

Big Al: Not at all. McDyess owes the Pistons big time, essentially rescuing him off of the NBA’s scrap heap. Dumars gave McDyess a multi-year deal when the rest of the NBA thought he, and his rickety knees, were done. But the NBA is a business, and loyalty often takes a back seat to money and/or playing time.

Eno: True that. I think Iverson is in a good place as far as the Pistons are concerned. There’s often nothing more dangerous than a superstar hungry for a championship. Hunger seems to be what has propelled teams past the Pistons in recent Final Fours.

Big Al: Considering the Pistons have played the past few seasons like they were NBA royalty, when they were actually pretenders to the throne, A.I. can only help in that regard. But will it be enough? I’m not sure.

Eno: I kinda think it will be, strangely enough. This is the most talent that Iverson has been surrounded with, and I think he knows that. He’s 33, which isn’t ancient, but isn’t young, either. Look for Pistons over Celts in the Final Four!

Big Al: I’ve thought the Pistons should have won the East the past three seasons. And they managed to flame out spectacularly. When it comes to the Pistons, I’m just going to say, “Prove it.”

Eno: Fair enough. I’m cranky about the Lions, btw. I know that goes against my grain, but I’m just frustrated with not even being competitive. [Head coach] Rod Marinelli must go, but it’s almost like, why do it NOW? Unless it’s just another signal that ownership is committed to change. But these scores aren’t even funny. They’re unacceptable and humiliating. And Marinelli is so robotic in his Monday pressers it’s disgusting. And if I hear one more player or coach say how good they practice….arrggh!!

Big Al: With Marinelli’s story about being in a tunnel, seeing “the light” and digging towards it with his sharp shovel, he just had his Bobby Ross “Abandon ship, WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP!” moment. He’s out of answers and running out of time.

Eno: Yeah, I don’t know WHAT the hell THAT was about. The man is 1-16 in his past 17 games. And here’s something. Some caller on 97.1 Sunday said, “Well, [former Lion] TJ Duckett says Marinelli is a good coach.” OK, what is Duckett’s definition of a “good coach”? Here’s the deal: maybe Rod is a decent position coach. Maybe. But 1-16 is 1-16. Everywhere else in the league, you lose, you get fired. Reminds me of another Lions coach quote: “What does it take to get fired around here?”

Big Al: Ah, yes. The infamous Darryl Rogers quote while he was wandering the halls at the Silverdome. It reminds me of one of my all-time favorites, Marty Moronwhig’s “We are officially eliminated from the playoffs” after his 0-9 start. Brings a tear to the eye. I’m with you on the “Marinelli’s a good coach” mantra. The local MSM continually tells us Marinelli would be a good coach “in a different situation.” Personally, I don’t see it. It’s been apparent since his first season that Marinelli is in over his head. His game management, in-game decision making, personnel moves, all point towards a man who has reached his level of incompetence.

Eno: Well, look at what Bill Parcells did in Miami. Mr. Reclamation Project Guy. He hired Tony Sparano (how many people thought he hired Tony Soprano?) and look at the Dolphins: 5-4 a year after 1-15. Do you know that my sources tell me that Parcells reached out to Bill Ford Sr. last year but was rebuffed? THEN he went to the Dolphins.

Big Al: I was waiting to hear Sparano hiring Pauly Walnuts as his defensive coordinator. The Fords haven’t been known for their sterling decision making. Jerry Vainisi, who was instrumental in building the Bears’ 1985 Super Bowl team, was hired by the Lions, but lost a front office power struggle with Chuck Schmidt. Wasn’t Chuck Knox interested in returning to the Lions at one point? Even when having a gift horse looking them straight in the face, the Lions never take advantage.

Eno: Yes…Chuck Knox absolutely wanted to coach here. And how did the Lions get outsmarted by the Vikings for Anthony Carter’s services? That’s another mystery I’d like solved!

Big Al: Or deciding against Warren Moon, and signing Scott Mitchell. Or all the draft picks, like Fred Biletnikoff, the Lions lost to the AFL. Or the Ron Jessie free agency fiasco. Where’s Robert Stack? He could have done an entire episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” with only stories involving the Lions.

Eno: Ron Jessie!! LOVE it! Yes, that WAS a fiasco! Don’t forget a smart, young secondary coach they let get away when Ford bought the team. Some ne’er-do-well named Don Shula.

Big Al: But Shula wasn’t good enough for the Fords! They hired immortals like Tommy Hudspeth, Rick Forzano, Rod Marinelli, and of course, Wayne Fontes instead. God, it’s depressing to think about the opportunities the Lions have wasted over the years.

Eno: Which is why I’m going to beg you to change the subject. What’s on your mind?

Big Al: Shovels, tunnels and lights in the distance. OK, I’ll move on. Rich Rodriguez and his Michigan Wolverines actually won a game this past weekend. It was just like old times! But with Northwestern and The University of Ohio State still on the schedule, beating the Minnesota Gophers may have been the last hurrah for the 2008 season. Any chance RichRod can pull another upset, especially against tUOS?

Eno: You know, I don’t think U-M will get blown out at Columbus, strangely. I don’t know why. I just have a feeling Michigan will give them a good game – but lose. Northwestern is winnable. Still, 4-8? Yikes. I think they’ll just burn these records and erase this season from the books in Ann Arbor. Never happened, or in Harry Potter-like terms: That Which We Will Not Discuss.

Big Al: Or “Season of Infinite Pain,” to steal from the indispensable MGoBlog. Beating the Buckeyes would be the “signature” win all Wolverines fans would love to see, much like Bo Schembechler’s upsetting what may have been Woody Hayes’s best team in 1969. Obviously, beating the 2008 Bucknuts would not be anywhere near that level, but it would go a very long way in soothing the Wolverines’ angry fan base. If Steven Threet is healthy, Michigan may have a puncher’s chance in winning.

Eno: Well, we’ll see; I think it’ll be a good game – better than last season’s debacle. OK, ready for some Word Association?

Big Al: Fire away.

WORD ASSOCIATION TIME! WORD ASSOCIATION TIME!

Eno: BCS

Big Al: SHOVEL! OK, I’ll stop. BCS = BS.

Eno: Amir Johnson.

Big Al: Unproven.

Eno: Arizona Cardinals.

Big Al: Contenders.

Eno: Marian Hossa.

Big Al: Superstar.

Big Al: My turn. Chris Osgood.

Eno: Hall of Famer.

Big Al: Whoa! Michael Curry.

Eno: Prepared.

Big Al: SHOVEL!

Eno: Marinelli!!

Big Al: Threw you a softball, and you hit it out of the park!

Big Al: One more. Tigers 2009 catcher.

Eno: UNKNOWN!

Big Al: I’m with you there, as I don’t think the Tigers have a clue who will be joining Dusty Ryan in wearing the tools of ignorance either.

Eno: MUST be someone not with the team currently. OK, there’s some talk that Tigers coach Lloyd McClendon might be a contender for the Seattle managerial job. Thoughts?

Big Al: When you think of how many old, white, retread managers MLB owners have rehired over the decades, someone like McClendon, who never had a chance in Hell of succeeding in Pittsburgh, deserves another shot. Another quick Tigers question. Do you think they’ll have any interest in [closer] Trevor Hoffman? He was told by the Padres to look for another job today.

Eno: First, I agree with you about Lloyd, but does he have a chance in Hell of succeeding in Seattle? Now, about Hoffman: my “knee jerk” reaction was to say the Tigers should take a look at him – a good look. Just think: we need Randy Smith now! Wasn’t he the “go to” guy when it came to the Padres?

Big Al: Radar Randy Smith, the genius talent evaluator! My only concern with Hoffman, or any of the other rumored relievers I’ve seen associated with the Tigers (Juan Cruz, Brandon Lyon, to name two), is that they all seem to be variations of Todd Jones. Soft tossers, nibblers, guys who depend upon their defense. I’m not very enthused about any of the closers the Tigers are rumored to be targeting.

Eno: Yeah, you need a guy to blow people away. This “pitching to contact” thing can be heart-stopping. One more subject before we get to Jerk of the Week: your take on Cleveland Browns players suspecting teammates of quitting in last Thursday’s game vs. Denver?

Big Al: Talk about a team in disarray. It tells me that [head coach] Romeo Crennel has lost control of his locker room. That team is a mess. From their QB controversy, the Kellen Winslow suspension/non-suspension, to the team now pointing fingers at each other, Crennel is not long for his job. I wonder if the trade for known locker room cancer Shaun Rogers hasn’t exacerbated tensions in the room.

Eno: Right, and so much for the Patriots pedigree that Crennel boasts. I guess not all of Bill Belichik’s guys make good head coaches. I thought it was odd that such a charge came after a close game. Usually the “quitting” accusation comes after blowouts. How do you “quit” when you’re leading going into the fourth quarter? Am I missing something here?

Big Al: The whole situation is Lions-esque. Which is why I brought Big Baby into the equation. This had to have been brewing for quite some time, and the pressure cooker finally exploded after losing thanks to a fourth quarter collapse. It’s what happens on losing teams. We’ve seen it plenty often with the Lions.

JERK OF THE WEEK

Eno: Yeah, we’re experts on the subject. OK….without further ado – drum roll, please……..Our very first edition of Jerk of the Week! Al, tell the readers what this entails.

Big Al: Any doofus we think is deserving of the moniker over the past week. Could be an athlete, a columnist, you or me, anyone we think needs to be called out! As this was your brilliant idea, Eno, why don’t you go first?

Eno: Well, this didn’t technically happen last week, but to start things off and give people a flavor for what this is all about, my nomination is Detroit News columnist Rob Parker for inaccurately reporting the name of an MSU football player who was supposedly at a party where bad stuff happened – without, apparently, double-checking his sources!

Big Al: Couldn’t happen to a worse columnist! Super Genius, indeed! My pick is a columnist as well: the Detroit Free Press‘ Drew Sharp for two of his ridiculous columns last week. The first was a ludicrous comparison between the Pistons and the Lions, and the second was trashing fans of Wolverines football: “No, actually, it was everybody else who basically stopped caring.” No one has stopped caring about Michigan. Both columns, as Peter Griffin would say, “Grinds my gears!”

Eno: Why do I think these two guys are gonna be JOTW regulars? OK, my friend – great chatting with you, as usual. See ya next Thoisday!

Big Al: SHOVEL!

Eno: Nice.

Big Al: I can’t help myself.

Red Wings Giving Up Goals By The Bucketful, But At Least They’re Doing It In November

So what will the Red Wings’ winning percentage be once they get around to playing some defense?

Scoring is up around the NHL, and nowhere is that more true than in Detroit, aka Hockeytown (if you believe the hype).

We’re used to seeing GAAs just barely peeking above 2.00 around these parts. After last night’s unseemly 7-6 overtime loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Red Wings have now given up 47 goals in just 14 games — a GAA of 3.36. If Scotty Bowman was behind the bench of a team with such numbers, Hockeytown would need, in the words of Jack Nicholson’s Joker in Batman, “an enema.”

But this is the NHL, where November is part of that great, big black hole called the regular season. What’s more, it’s still the early throes of that big black hole. Translated: don’t worry, be happy.

After all, the Red Wings ARE 9-2-3, and that’s very Red Wings-like, indeed. They’re just going about it in a different way now: running-and-gunning, their aim now to simply outscore their opponents. Lord knows they’re not getting much help from the blue line corps, nor the goaltenders all that much.

The good news is that if you’re going to be sieve-like defensively, you may as well possess one of the best offenses in the world. Which the Red Wings do. Last night’s game could just have easily ended in a Detroit 7-6 win instead. The Red Wings should never be afraid of having to score, of having to lean on their firepower while they clean up their mess on the back end. Because as bad as they’ve been defensively, the fact of the matter is that the odds of the Red Wings scoring six goals on any given night is still much better than them giving up seven. But they shouldn’t have to do that — at least not long-term.

Already, stalwarts such as Niklas Kronwall and Brett Lebda have slumped and, in Lebda’s case, been scratched from the lineup. Goalies Chris Osgood and Ty Conklin have had their spectacular moments, but they’re not bailing their teammates out enough to keep that GAA down.

Last season, right around this time, I fussed about goalie Dominik Hasek. The 42-year-old was off to a slow start, and I went into Chicken Little Mode, suggesting that perhaps he was done as a quality netminder. It wasn’t the first time that I cried wolf. Hasek, of course, made me look silly — my keyboard hanging from the scoreboard, as Mickey Redmond would say — recovering in short order and turning in another remarkable season. Then, Hasek fooled me again. As the playoffs neared, I wrote that he was just the man to lead the Wings to the Stanley Cup. I was half-right; the Wings took the Cup, but not before Hasek hiccuped again, and Osgood took his place. Dom always was a tough guy to figure out.

So here I go again, restless in November about goals against. Frowning even though the Red Wings gather points at a .750 clip.

But it’s also the nature of covering and following the Red Wings beast to crab about the regular season in November because there’s precious little else to discuss until April. Because you know the Red Wings will somehow end up with 50+ wins, 110+ points and will be serious Cup contenders come spring. That’s a given. You gotta have SOMETHING to complain about!

Besides, there are no 7-6 games allowed in the playoffs. It’s a league rule, I think.

"Superjew" Epstein Could Never Be Nicknamed That Nowadays, Could He?

I doubt that Rocky Bridges could have gotten away with it today. Too many PC types — and I don’t mean personal computer.

But in the mid-1960s, Bridges, managing in the California League, marveled at a rival first baseman who was on his way to winning the league MVP Award for leading the circuit in batting average and home runs. And since that first baseman had a plainly ethnic last name, Bridges came up with what he believed to be an apt nickname: Superjew.

“Superjew” was Mike Epstein, who won the California League MVP Award in 1965. The next year, Epstein was in the big leagues for the start of a nine-year career as a power-hitting first baseman, achieving moderate success. He did hit 20+ homers three times, including 30 in just 403 at-bats in 1969 for Ted Williams’s Washington Senators. All told, he swatted 130 four-baggers.

Epstein possesses one of my all-time favorite nicknames, and I hope that revelation doesn’t put me in bad stead with the PC types.

But Superjew is also one of my favs because I think it’s a type of nickname that is probably extinct: the ethnic nickname. They’re innocent, really, but I doubt anyone could get away with such handles in today’s mainstream. I won’t bother giving you examples, because that’ll REALLY get the PC people on my case.

At the turn of the 20th century, nicknames were even crueler, but they were totally accepted. You’ve probably heard or read of ballplayers with first names of Dummy or Rube. “Dummy” was either someone who didn’t talk much, or, worse, someone who was literally a deaf mute — which happened more often than you think. “Rube” was usually someone who wasn’t, ahem, a Rhodes Scholar, if you know what I mean. That would be like using a derogatory, slang name today for a mentally challenged individual, that also starts with “r”. I think you know what I mean, and can you imagine such a thing?

“Superjew”, immortalized on one of those old 3-D baseball cards (remember those?)

Returning to Epstein, even though there’s nothing slang about “Jew” (just short for Jewish), it just seems to me that we’ve become SO sensitive to anything remotely ethnic that even using accurate, accepted words describing someone’s heritage can be off-putting when done in nickname form.

I’m half-Finnish. If someone were to call me “SuperFinn”, I wouldn’t care at all. Of course, I first need to DO something to be called SuperFinn, but that’s another story.

But Superjew just seems to be pushing the envelope a bit. Maybe I’m off-base, and ignorant, or both.

Who doles out the nickname also has great impact on whether that nickname is socially accepted. If Epstein’s fellow Jews were to coin it today, then that’s far more acceptable than if some crusty old, non-Jewish manager were to do it. Someone like Rocky Bridges, for example!

Epstein is still around, a New York kid from the Bronx who’s now 65. So is Bridges, 81. By the way, Bridges’s real name is Everett Lamar Bridges. No wonder he opted for Rocky.

Aspiring Sports Writers, Rejoice! Now, Your Very Own Lions Beat Writer Kit!

I know there are many folks out there who are blog readers, and have absolutely no interest in writing. Even in this day and age of blogs being added by the thousands every hour, there are still those who are perfectly content to limit their editorializing to the water cooler at work, or the bar afterward.

But there may also be people out there who’ve wanted to try their hand at sports writing, yet are reluctant. Either that, or they’re too smart to try; one or the other. So for those fans out there, today I will provide a service at Out of Bounds.

You might want to cut-and-paste this and then print it for future reference.

It’s a Detroit Lions beat writer starter kit!

Here’s how it works: simply fill in the blanks after every Lions game. That’s all. In some cases you’ll be presented with multiple choices in italics; when that occurs, simply rotate the choices with every game you write about so as to properly spread the credit. When you’re done initially, you’ll have written your very first sports article! Then you’ll be on your way to chronicling the rest of the Lions season. OK — it’s sort of like paint-by-numbers, but it’ll still be yours!

Ready? Here we go!

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The ______________________, led by quarterback/running back/wide receiver __________________, kept the Detroit Lions winless yesterday, rolling/cruising/marching to a ___-___ victory before __,____ happy/disgusted fans at _________/Ford Field.

The Lions were simply unable to control ______________, who enjoyed a career day with ______ yards passing/rushing/receiving. The loss was the Lions’ _____ in a row and makes their record 1-___ since beating the Kansas City Chiefs in December 2007.

“This one’s on me/We didn’t get it done/We got our butts kicked and I accept that,” said Lions head coach Rod Marinelli, whose record dropped to 10-___ with the loss. “I have to look at the tape/We just go back to work/We failed to do some things,” Marinelli said, “but I’m not a quitter/I’m not embarrassed/I only know how to do things one way.“

Lions quarterback Daunte Culpepper/Drew Stanton/Vinny Testaverde was under siege all afternoon, being sacked ___ times for ___ yards and hurried countless times by the _______ pass rush, which coming into the game had struggled to get to the passer. In addition to that, the Lions running game was again feeble/ineffective/a joke, gaining only ____ yards on the day.

“I don’t know what the problem is/I don’t know what to do/I don’t know, man,” said Lions running back/offensive lineman/defensive lineman/linebacker/tight end/defensive back/punter/kicker/quarterback/safety/long snapper ____________. “We practice well/we look good in practice/we’re not a bad football team.”

Marinelli said the Lions were just a couple/a few/six or seven plays away from getting the job done.

“It’s just a matter of making those plays/We’re a tad slow off the ball/We slipped off some tackles,” the coach said. When asked what he can do to correct the problem, Marinelli said, “Get back to work/Look at film/I won’t quit.”

The Lions had trouble finding prized receiver Calvin Johnson/Calvin Johnson/Calvin Johnson all day, throwing to him just ___ times. He finished with a/an paltry/pathetic/unacceptable ____ catches for only ____ yards.

“They took some things away/We tried to go to Calvin/We’ll look at film,” said Lions offensive coordinator Jim Colletto about Johnson’s ineffective day.

The Lions were never really in the game, falling behind ___-___ by midway through the second quarter. It was the ___ time in ___ games that the Lions have dug themselves a big hole this season.

Once again/As usual/As has been the case too often, kicker Jason Hanson was the Lions’ most effective offensive weapon, connecting on ___ field goals, including one from ___ yards at the end of the first half, when the Lions mismanaged/bungled/wasted clock despite ending the half with one/two/all three timeouts remaining.

The Lions staged a mini-comeback in the second half, when the ______ were in prevent defense. But the comeback was thwarted/hampered/derailed when the Lions were left with just one timeout late in the game, thanks to a replay challenge that Marinelli lost/wasted timeout to avoid a delay penalty/replay challenge that Marinelli lost.

Despite the lopsided/embarrassing/blowout loss, Marinelli remained steadfast after the game.

“I won’t quit/I never quit/I’ve never quit before,” he said.

As for the leaky/horrible/porous defense, coordinator Joe Barry said, “We tried to take some things out/We tried to simplify things/We pared the defense down.” But _______ had a field day anyway, setting a career high in passer rating/rushing yards/receiving yards.

The Lions now travel to/host ________ in a bid to avoid being the first team in NFL history to finish a season 0-16.

“We’ll definitely win/It’ll happen/We practice so good,” said Lions running back/offensive lineman/defensive lineman/linebacker/tight end/defensive back/punter/kicker/quarterback/safety/long snapper ____________. “I think we’re the best 0-___ team that ever played. We really could be __-__ or __-__. We’re that close.”

Marinelli vowed after the game to look at film/look at film/look at film.

Sometimes Sisters Need Kissing, Too

Eddie Erdelatz was fit to be tied.

Fifty-five years ago, the head football coach at the U.S. Naval Academy had just presided over a scoreless tie with Duke. And he struggled to come up with an analogy to put his feelings about the 0-0 tie into words.

Then he came up with this gem.

“A tie is like kissing your sister!”

Even I, sister-less, know what Eddie was driving at.

It’s one of sports’ greatest ironies that Eddie Erdelatz died just nine days before what many say was one of the greatest college football games in history. Ironic because that game – the Notre Dame-Michigan State tussle of 1966 – ended in, you guessed it, a tie.

Eddie Erdelatz, also the very first coach of the Oakland Raiders, coined a phrase that’s stuck for 55 years — and counting

Eddie’s analogy from 1953 is still spewed today.

It has joined other great mantras from the second half of the 20^th century.

“It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.”

“A walk is as good as a hit.”

“On any given Sunday, any NFL team can beat another.”

They say we are a sports nation that doesn’t tolerate losing. But it appears that what we really are is a nation that doesn’t tolerate ties.

Ties simply aren’t acceptable, judging by the length we will go to ensure that one never occurs.

College football, Eddie Erdelatz’s old haunts, refuses to allow any game to end in a tie. Its overtime gives the ball to each team at the opponents’ 30-yard line and provides four downs to either make a first down, score, or fail. If the teams are still tied (field goals are allowed), the whole thing is repeated. And repeated. And repeated – until we have a winner. Some games have been known to survive five or six of these contrived overtimes. Campus football had made it perfectly clear: we’ll stay all night if we have to – but there will NOT be any game ending in a tie.

No sister kissing!

The NFL has its own kind of overtime – but one that terribly overvalues the coin flip. It’s an unfair overtime – one that doesn’t normally allow both teams to possess the football. The coin flip winner, at a shockingly high rate of success, usually kicks a game-winning field goal. Fair or unfair, at least there are hardly any ties. Mission accomplished.

Then there’s that wacky NHL.

You gotta hand it to them – they managed to create an obscene way of breaking ties, while at the same time providing a point for the team that loses this mind-boggling tiebreaker.

There can be no ties! But there CAN be a point for losing!

Those NHL people really are a bunch of hockey pucks. In the name of Don Rickles, what on Earth is going on here?

In the spring of 2004, the league crowned the Tampa Bay Lightning as Stanley Cup Champions. Then the NHL went away – vanished thanks to a labor dispute.

No hockey for one full season. It was technically called a lockout. Call it whatever you want – the NHL, incredibly, allowed its in-fighting to rob an entire season from its shrinking fan base. It was nose-cutting-off and face-spiting at its most ridiculous.

Panicked, the league was determined not to return for the 2005-06 season wearing the same clothes. They threw in a bunch of rules changes and painted a gosh darn trapezoid around the net (I still don’t really know what the trapezoid signifies; something to do with the goalies playing the puck. I’ll get back to you on this). But that wasn’t enough. There had to be an abolition of tie games.

No sister kissing in the NHL, either!

Now, a history lesson. In 1983, the NHL, already getting restless with tie games some 25 years ago, added a five-minute overtime session, sudden death style. Fine. The worst case was five extra minutes of hockey. If no winner, the game ended in a tie, with each team receiving one point in the standings. I had no problem with this. But apparently the NHL did.

In the late-1990s, the league started to go sideways with overtime. Concerned that teams were sandbagging it in the extra session to assure themselves of at least one point, the league threw in a wrinkle: the winning team in OT still gets two points. But the loser still hangs on to its one point. A point for losing! What a concept.

Ahh, but there were still tie games under this scenario. BAD tie games! Bad, bad!

Enter the – and I cringe just typing this word – shootout.

The NHL was short-cutting its way to determining a winner. If the five-minute overtime failed to produce a victor, there would be a parade of shooters swooping in on the goalies. And this would go on, ad nauseam, until somebody won by virtue of a scoring round system.

One of the most exhilarating, breathtaking plays in all of sports belonged in hockey’s den. It was the penalty shot. A man got taken down with a clear path to the goal and he was awarded the opportunity to bear down on the goalie, one-on-one – while the crowd gasped and stood. Everything here is in the past tense, because after the NHL introduced the shootout – essentially a bunch of contrived penalty shots taken post-game – the penalty shot’s thrills and chills were largely excised.

Oh why, I ask – why did the NHL feel the need to use a #$!% shootout to settle things? Do we stop extra inning baseball games and hold a home run derby? Do we whistle the play dead in the NBA and have a free throw shooting contest?

Oh and by the way, the team that loses the shootout still gets a point.

The shootout is evil. It’s all wrong. It smacks of minor league. It’s taken one of the game’s crown jewels and cheapened it. Thanks to the shootout, the penalty shot is no longer diamond – it’s cubic zirconia. It’s phony drama – contrived and shoved down the throats of a loyal fan base because they’ve been told it’s good for them. Like castor oil.

Why can’t we have tie games anymore? Is there something inherently wrong with a contest that doesn’t produce a clear cut winner? Must we nullify sixty minutes of hard-fought football or hockey with a gimmicky ending?

Even Eddie Erdelatz wouldn’t have gone for it. No way, sister.

Just As I Feared, Catcher Is Tigers’ Albatross

Well, here we are. Just as I feared.

One of the rights of ink-stained wretches and bottom-feeding bloggers is to occasionally play GM, usually when the team needs us the most. So since I belong to both fraternities, and since it’s my duty to say, in so many words, “told ya so!”, I just have three words today about the Tigers’ catching situation.

Told. Ya. So.

If the Tigers were to take the field tomorrow for Opening Day, Dusty Ryan would be behind the plate. Let’s just hope that this isn’t the case when the team opens for real next spring.

This isn’t to knock Ryan — well, maybe a tad — because he’s probably a nice kid whose fault this certainly isn’t. But I began wringing my hands as long ago as 2006, worried that the Tigers had no heir apparent, apparently, for Pudge Rodriguez at the catching position.

Then 2007 came and went. Nowhere could a bona fide major league prospect at catcher be found within the Tigers organization. The only thing that became apparent, instead of an heir, was that the Tigers appeared to think that Rodriguez would catch for them forever. Like he was some sort of baseball Methuselah.

Even a healthy Vance Wilson wouldn’t have been the answer, for Wilson is a great backup, but nothing more.

Then the Tigers had a solution in spring training, 2008: Brandon Inge would be the heir apparent at catcher — for the second time in his career. This was made necessary, of course, by the trade that brought 3B Miguel Cabrera to Detroit. Inge grumbled and groused about it, as has been his wont. But at least the Tigers had a catcher-in-waiting.

But Cabrera proved ill-suited at 3B, and was shifted to first base. Carlos Guillen was made the new third baseman. Inge became the full-time catcher after Rodriguez was traded to the Yankees in July. Now the Tigers want to move Guillen to left field. They’re running out of positions for Carlos. It’s almost like they’re trying to hide him and his glove in plain sight. He’s becoming the Tigers’ white elephant in the room.

Dombrowski’s inability to find a catcher, post-Pudge, is coming back to haunt the Tigers (duh!)

Guillen’s third shift in positions means Inge is now the third baseman — again. Hell, he’s been catcher twice, so why not make him the third baseman for a second time?

Which brings us back to catcher. Still.

Ryan, with all due respect, is not ready to be a starting big league catcher. He’s the Sarah Palin of the Tigers. Let him be the backup, at best.

Just as I feared and warned (why don’t they ever listen to me?), the Tigers are without a big league catcher for 2009.

The free agent crop isn’t terribly deep. There’s Boston’s Jason Varitek, 36. Not a bad option, though funny things start happening to catchers, sometimes, at that age. Strangely, there’s even Pudge himself, who is free and will be 37 soon. There could be a trade. Regardless, the Tigers are scrambling now, having not been able to groom a catcher in the Dave Dombrowski Era, which is about to head into its eighth year, believe it or not. For all the good DD has done, catcher is turning into his albatross, just as I had feared. (Again I ask: why didn’t they ask me??)

The position isn’t one to be trivialized. The Tigers have a new pitching coach, Rick Knapp. The staff was a mess last year. The last thing they need is a catcher with peach fuzz.

Since a Pudge II scenario is unlikely, I’d be happy with Varitek. Or Gerald Laird, if the Tigers can pry him from Texas. Laird is outstanding defensively.

Sorry, but all this could have been avoided. Seven years and no catching prospects? Dombrowski and his crack staff whiffed on this one.

Even In Broadcast Booth, Boselli Still Pride Of The Jags

(every Friday during the NFL season, OOB will run a nostalgic feature about the Lions’ upcoming opponents)

The Jacksonville Jaguars weren’t even in existence for the first half of the 1990s. Yet one of their players ended up being named to the NFL’s All-Decade team for the ’90s. One of their players also was the first to be placed into the Pride of the Jaguars, the team’s own Hall of Fame. And one of their players made five straight trips to the Pro Bowl. Only one of their former players is a network football game analyst. Oh, and only one of their players has his number “taken out of circulation” — usually the first step in having it permanently retired.

He’s Tony Boselli, for all of the above.

I could go on, and add that Boselli is also the only Jaguar who’s half-owner of the highly successful Whataburger franchise, along with former teammate Mark Brunell. Or that he helped found a church. Or that he operates the Boselli Foundation, which works with at-risk youth and helps them to cultivate high self-esteem and to succeed at home, at school and at play — according to the foundation’s description at Wikipedia.

Boselli, in typical repose as a player

No, I’m not a Tony Boselli geek. I knew very little of what I’ve just recited before looking him up on the Wiki. What I did know, however, is that Boselli was so outstanding at left tackle for USC that the Jaguars made him their first-ever draft pick, back in 1995. And I knew that he played at the highest level in the NFL, hence all those Pro Bowls. Boselli is also the only player in NFL history to have the distinction of being the first pick of two expansion teams: the Jaguars and the Houston Texans, who selected him in the expansion draft of 2002. But Boselli, bothered by injuries, never played a single down for the Texans and retired.

But the fact that jumped out at me was Boselli’s being named to the NFL’s All-Decade Team for the 1990s, despite only playing in half of the decade. That’s how dominant of a left tackle he was.

Today, Boselli, 36, analyzes games for Fox Sports, and although he seems to get saddled with a lot of Lions games, being low on the totem pole, he does a pretty good job. Plus, it’s good to see an offensive lineman get some TV love; that’s usually reserved for the quarterbacks and defensive stars.

Boselli was part of the Jags team that made it all the way to the Final Four in the team’s second season, in 1996 — just like their expansion sisters in Carolina. It’s amazing, when you think about it, that of all the players an expansion team needs, the Jags went after an offensive tackle as their first pick, as opposed to a skill player or a defensive manimal. But they were right; Boselli was a one-man wrecking crew for runners like James Stewart. And that’s why they went to the Final Four in 1996.

To me, it only seems like yesterday when Boselli came out of college so highly-regarded. Now he’s done all those things that I mentioned at the top, plus is forging a new career in TV, in addition to his church and hamburgers endeavors.

Not bad for just another “big ugly” in the trenches, eh?

"The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al" — Webisode #6

Don’t touch that mouse! It’s Webisode #6 of The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al, my weekly confab with MVN’s Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience. As usual, this week’s edition is chock full of goodies: Allen Iverson; Daunte Culpepper; a new thing we do called Word Association; the Tigers’ quest to patch their holes; and that crazy, gimmicky NHL.

Oh, and next week we’ll debut another new feature called The Jerk of the Week.

Carry on….

*********************************

Eno: Well, lookie there – it’s Thursday, and time for Webisode #6 of “The Knee Jerks: WTF? With Eno and Al.” At the risk of being like a game show host who announces the rules every week even though everyone knows them, this is where I verbally tussle with Big Al of the Wayne Fontes Experience. I’m Eno, aka The Journalist, and he’s Big Al, aka a man who’s Daunte Culpeppered Out. Welcome to the show, Al.

Big Al: Thank you. It’s almost always a pleasure. And yes, I’m feeling a bit Peppered and Answered out!

Eno: Well, we’ll bury Daunte till later. I suppose we should talk about The Trade. What does a card-carrying Knee Jerk like you think about Allen Iverson, Detroit Piston?

Big Al: I’ve always LOVED The Answer as a player, but not because he can be a prolific scorer. I’ve always admired his toughness. I think Iverson, pound for pound, may be the toughest player in the NBA. He’s fearless.

Eno: That’s what they used to say about Isiah Thomas. I like the trade. I wrote that the Pistons could actually use a ball hog in their midst. You gotta have a “go to” guy in today’s NBA. Now they finally have one.

Big Al: And it’s been long overdue. I don’t want to slight Chauncey Billups as a player, but I think Iverson may be just what the Pistons need: a player HUNGRY to win a title.

Eno: Well, ask yourself this: did Chauncey REALLY elevate his game in the playoffs? If anything, he regressed. He got burned several times by inferior point guards. And yes, AI’s hunger is a big factor. If he’s on a mission, I love it.

Big Al: I agree. Billups looked old and slow during the last couple of playoff runs. He’s no longer the same player who won the NBA Finals MVP. Billups is still a productive player, but considering the Pistons’ weak spots (someone who can create his own shot, a sense of urgency), Iverson may be the better fit.

Eno: I also think the Mr. Big Shot thing was more of a Detroit myth. I don’t want to slam Chauncey, but this is the NBA. It’s a big boy’s game. You win with the best players, not with memories, nostalgia, and warm and fuzzies.

Big Al: Which is something Joe Dumars realizes. He saw first hand as a player, the Bad Boys Pistons grow old and stagnant. He’s not going to let that happen under his watch as GM.

Eno: What do you make of all this talk that the AI trade is part of Joe’s grand plan to land LeBron James AND Chris Bosh (your man) in 2010?

Big Al: I think it’s a little too early to get wrapped up in future free agent classes. But it’s beyond obvious Joe D has a plan. Having cap flexibility is the best hole card an NBA GM can have at his disposal. When you look at the 2010 free agent class, you don’t necessarily need to sign LeBron to make your team a juggernaut. Hell, I’d be happy with just Bosh!

Eno: I was interested by Rasheed Wallace’s seemingly non-committal attitude when asked about the trade. He even seemed kind of leery. Almost like he wasn’t sure it was a good thing.

Big Al: He’s a hard cat to get a read on, period. But I think ‘Sheed realizes a couple of things. One, this year may be his last shot at a title, and two, this is likely his last season as a Piston.

Eno: Could be. OK, let’s bottom line this. Does this leapfrog the Pistons over the Celtics? Why or why not?

Big Al: Over the Celtics? No. But I sure think they, along with the other East contenders, became much more leery of the Pistons. I don’t think we’ll ever see any of those ten-minute long scoring droughts with Iverson on the floor. That alone makes the Pistons a much tougher playoff matchup.

Eno: So the Celtics won’t have that complacency that sometimes nabs defending champs? You just mentioned Iverson’s hunger!

Big Al: Complacency is the bane of any title-winning team. We’ve seen it with the Pistons. It’s hard enough to repeat as it is, so I expect the Celtics may no longer have the same hunger of Allen Iverson.

Eno: Well, I think this DOES put the Pistons above the Celtics, if only because it gives the Celtics something to defend that they didn’t have to last spring. So what else you got for today?

Big Al: The baseball winter meetings are currently taking place. If you go by the rumors, the Tigers’ first priority may be finding themselves a shortstop. The two names prominently mentioned so far have been Rafael Furcal and Kahlil Greene. Think the Tigers are getting an itchy trigger finger, looking to make a trade?

Eno: Yes, I’ve been saying that, for sure. Standing pat isn’t an option, when everyone’s on the hot seat. I like both guys you mentioned. Too bad Edgar Renteria went sideways on us. What about a closer, though?

Big Al: I doubt the Tigers go for an expensive free agent closer. I could see them looking at someone who is coming off an injury and/or an off season, like a Chad Cordero. Unless the Tigers trade Magglio Ordonez, I can’t see them having the capability to add much salary.

Eno: Ahh, Maggs. His agent says he won’t be traded. Can you believe an agent? Plus, Maggs is a 5-and-10 guy now. He can veto any deal. I truly hope he won’t be dealt. He’s grown on me!

Big Al: I’m with you, Eno. The Tigers are going to have a few offensive black holes (3rd base, catcher, and depending on whom the Tigers go with, short), I’d hate to lose the firepower Ordonez adds to the everyday lineup.

Eno: I know you’re not crazy about him, but I still like what Gary Sheffield can bring. I think he’s healthy. I think he might surprise some folks. I still don’t like the catching situation. Dusty Ryan?? Cripes sakes!

Big Al: Dusty Ryan? I’d use something stronger than “cripes sakes!” I hope you’re right about Sheffield. So do the Tigers, as his being on the roster is keeping them from moving Carlos Guillen or Ordonez to DH.

Eno: OK, here’s something. The Phillies are World Champs! Is this a parallel universe?

Big Al: Quite possibly. Hell, this could be one of many, if you believe Star Trek! Is this Evil Spock’s universe? I wonder! Sorry, I’m a closet Trekkie.

********************

WORD ASSOCIATION

Eno: And you’re admitting it on National Internet? Gutsy guy. Sorry, but I can’t hold off any longer. Let’s play Word Association. Ready?

Big Al: Yep.

Eno: Daunte Culpepper.

Big Al: Desperation.

Eno: Dan Orlovsky.

Big Al: Backup.

Eno: Drew Stanton.

Big Al: Mistake. OK, let me try. Rod Marinelli.

Eno: Clueless.

Big Al: Calvin Johnson.

Eno: Overrated.

Big Al: I saw that one coming. One more. William Clay Ford.

Eno: Misguided.

**********************

Big Al: That he is, that he is. Speaking of misguided, do you think the Lions’ signing of Culpepper is misguided or a smart personnel move?

Eno: Hmmm….. I think it’s a smart personnel move by a misguided organization. How about that? Meaning, that for their situation, it’s really a low risk move. I just wonder why no one else was as “smart” as the Lions and signed him earlier. But we’ll see

Big Al: If you go by [offensive coordinator] Jim Colletto’s comments about Stanton embarrassing himself if he had to take the field, the Lions had little choice. Signing Culpepper is the culmination of several screwed up drafts, having to scramble to make up for the mistake of drafting Joey Harrington.

Eno: I’m glad you mentioned the “E” word. I thought at first that it was OK, then after reading Stanton’s response, I thought it was the wrong word. Even Marinelli thought it was wrong. Your thoughts about using the word “embarrass”?

Big Al: It’s probably the worst thing a coach could say about a player in public. It’s one thing to use such an inflammatory word behind closed doors. But to use the “E” word while speaking to the assembled media? Let alone making the Stanton pick appear to be a waste in the coaching staff’s eyes? Absolutely MORONIC. Just another reason, of many, why the Lions need to broom everyone at the Allen Park complex.

Eno: Do they MAKE brooms that big? They also don’t know what to do about running back. Sometimes it’s Kevin Smith, sometimes it’s Rudi Johnson. They have NO idea who they are or who they want to be

Big Al: We already know who they are: the worst team in the NFL. But playing Johnson over Smith makes no sense. Same for Jordon Dizon being deactivated every Sunday, or keeping 35 defensive linemen on the roster. They compound one mistake by making three more!

Eno: Or not keeping gosh darn Gosder Cherilus in the lineup and let him make mistakes and learn! Sometimes they act as if they’re some contender who can afford to let young guys sit!

Big Al: Amazing. The Lions are 0-8 with one of the older starting lineups in the NFL. It’s not as if the kids would do any worse. Save for “embarrassing” themselves.

Eno: Alright, I’m getting a headache. Change of subject. Red Wings. What’s up with their goals agaynst, as they say in Canada?

Big Al: Cup hangover. It’s fun and easy to play offense, but hard to play good defense. Nothing to worry about. Now if we’re still seeing this in March, then it’s time to be concerned.

Eno: True enough, I suppose. I never asked you about the shootout, btw. Do you like it?

Big Al: I’m old school. It’s fun to watch, but it’s too gimmicky. And it totally screws up the point totals. The Gary Bettman-ization of the NHL is a horrible thing.

Eno: You mean expanding into cities that have no business having hockey teams?

Big Al: Or moving TV coverage to a network no one can find on their cable? Keeping the Red Wings in the West? Yeah!

Eno: RIGHT! And no, I don’t like the shootout either. Let me ask you: what’s so bad about a STINKING TIE?

Big Al: Unless it’s the playoffs, not a damn thing!

Eno: I NEVER liked the notion of getting a point for losing. Jack Adams must be spinning in his grave.

Big Al: You, me, fans in Original Six (even Twelve) cities, and every single Canadian agree. We hate what’s happened to the NHL.

Eno: I must also rant here that there are wayyyyy too many power plays. Special teams are on the ice almost half the damn game. Ted Lindsay once told me that if there were two or three 5-on-3s in a season, that was a lot. And the person responsible for the second penalty would be in the minors the next day!

Big Al: In my mind, the worst thing ever is the instigator penalty. I’m not for goonery, but fighting has its place in hockey. Jeez, we’re both sounding like Don Cherry, save for the xenophobia!

Eno: Aka the “anyone who isn’t Canadian must suck” attitude! Cherry, I used to listen to him. Now he’s just a cartoon. Almost literally, with those jackets he wears. Speaking of cartoons, what chances do you give our old pal Barry Melrose in succeeding in Tampa?

Big Al: Let’s just say he best not have quit, but only taken a leave of absence, from ESPN. Don’t lose the hockey hair, Barry! Hard to believe he was once thought to be the heir apparent in Detroit back when he was coaching in Adirondack.

Eno: I know! Hey – you know those types. There’s always a headset and a makeup artist waiting for them should they fail!

Big Al: Exactly. Melrose will have one foot in the media. To be honest, I was surprised he left what was likely a cushy and well paid gig in Bristol.

Eno: Yeah, me too. I guess once a coach….anyhow, must be the Dick Vermeil thing, sans the tears. OK, almost time to go. Any final thoughts/rants?

Big Al: Final thoughts? The Lions signing Culpepper is placing a Band-Aid on a compound fracture and [U-M football coach] Rich Rodriguez is sooo on my @# !&*O!* list!

Eno: Ahh, THAT will have to wait for next week! My finals are: Iverson rocks and let’s hear it for 11-0 Tennessee vs. 0-11 Detroit on Turkey Day!

Big Al: Oooh, I can’t wait! Much like I can’t wait for our next “Knee Jerks!” Till then, aloha!

Eno: Thanks, Jack Lord!

Dumars, Ever The Chessmaster, Uses The NBA As His Board And Pawns

There’s great irony in Joe Dumars’s career as a basketball executive.

As a player, we called him Joe D — probably first coined by broadcaster George Blaha — and the “D” was mainly for defense. Dumars made it into the Hall of Fame not because he could score (even though he could), but because he established a reputation — earned, unlike some others — as being a top-notch defender. It was said that, in his prime, Dumars was the only man who could come close to checking Michael Jordan, one-on-one.

So here’s the irony: Dumars, a perennial candidate for Executive of the Year, is so much on the offense that he’s practically forcing the rest of the league to play defense to his aspirations.

The question is, is there any GM out there who can check Joe Dumars, one-on-one? Or will they have to gang up on him? You can’t stop Dumars — you can only hope to contain him!

Dumars, to hear those in the know report it, looks at the rest of the NBA as a giant chess board, with him controlling even the opposition’s pieces.

Monday’s trade for guard Allen Iverson got people talking, for sure — but most of the talk was what the trade meant in terms of Dumars’s grand plan. And, even scarier for his colleagues, Dumars’s grand plan seems incapable of being foiled, even if everyone can see it coming.

Kind of like Air Jordan in the middle of a flying path to the basket. And even Joe D couldn’t stop that.

Here’s the crux of Dumars’s scheme: if the Iverson trade doesn’t work out the way Dumars hopes, then no harm, no foul. AI becomes an unrestricted free agent next summer, and Dumars has a trove of cash at his disposal, once Iverson’s and Rasheed Wallace’s (potentially) contracts come off the Pistons books. Then, Dumars can perhaps trade for Toronto big man Chris Bosh, who becomes unrestricted in the summer of 2010 — if the Raptors don’t feel they can keep him in their camp one year hence. Or, Dumars can simply wait until 2010 and go for other folks, namely LeBron James, and Bosh again. Or others. The class of ‘10 is filled with some of the league’s most marquee players.

Sources say it’s James and Bosh, though, that Dumars is zeroing in on. No, that wasn’t a typo — I didn’t mean to type OR there. James AND Bosh. You heard me.

Checkmate.

Dumars (top) is zeroing in on the NBA’s King, it’s said


With a boatload of cash, a winning culture, top drawer talent, depth, and the respected Dumars himself, few other teams will be more attractive than the Pistons to big names available.

James, it’s thought, wants to play in New York. It’s also said that there are days he’d consider playing in Timbuktu or Beirut — because at least those cities aren’t Cleveland.

Dumars absolutely has a path to LeBron James in 2010 — and there might not be a damn thing anyone else can do about it. Such is how Dumars has set himself up.

Of course, a cynic might say that had Dumars drafted Bosh back in 2003 like he could have, then a lot of this maneuvering would have been unnecessary. But it’s not like the Pistons were destroyed by the misstep involving Darko Milicic. They won the championship in Darko’s rookie year, and went back to the Finals the following season. The Pistons have been Final Four participants every season since then.

You can tell that Dumars truly enjoys all this GM stuff. For the competitive, sometimes it’s hard to find anything off the court that scratches that itch. But Dumars clearly has found it: the wheeling and dealing, the front office strategy, the “wins” you get when you negotiate a good contract or make an astute trade, or sign a “diamond in the rough” free agent. There are losses, too, and disappointments. Also part of high stakes competition.

I think that Dumars’s role as team president and GM is merely an extension of his role as a player. He played in a lot of big time games as a Piston. He tasted championship champagne. He experienced deep disappointment. He was surrounded by high profile, sometimes high-maintenance guys. And he competed against the best players in the world.

So it doesn’t matter whether it’s shorts and sneakers, or blazer and khakis. Doesn’t matter whether it’s on the hardwood or in an office. Doesn’t matter whether he’s guarding Jordan or trying to put the moves on a rival GM. It’s all about competition and outwitting and winning the whole enchilada.

It’s all there right now for Dumars; the NBA landscape is shaping up just the way he would like it to. It’s not even relevant whether his intentions are close to the vest or plainly evident. A true chessmaster will put you in checkmate in due time.

And Dumars definitely has his sights set on the King from Cleveland.

Pistons Gain A Superstar, Lose An Excuse For Conference Finals Losses With Iverson Trade

Allen Iverson can be selfish — a ball hog as some say. He can be petulant, moody, disdainful of those who write about the game for a living. He is pugnacious and sometimes thinks it’s him vs. the world. He, famously, sometimes has problems with practice. He’s loathe to give anyone else the last shot in crunch time.

Translated: he’s exactly what the Pistons need.

The 33-year-old Iverson is about to become a Piston today, according to all reports. He may already be one, officially, by the time you’re reading this.

The trade is this: guard Chauncey Billups and power forward/center Antonio McDyess to the Denver Nuggets for Iverson.

First thought: a good deal for both teams.

Second thought: a good deal for both teams — and a better one for the Pistons.

We’ve said all sorts of things about the Pistons over the past five years, when they’ve been annual threats to win their conference, if not the whole league. But a couple constants have appeared in the discussion: 1) the Pistons don’t have that “one guy” — that superstar that other teams who win championships have; and 2) why do they keep getting upended in the conference finals?

I think the answer to both concerns lies in, well, “The Answer” — which just happens to be Iverson’s nickname.

Billups might be initially missed, even mourned, by some Pistons fans. He was Mr. Big Shot, though I think that was largely a Detroit myth. The truth, and this may be unseemly to the mourners, is that Chauncey never really elevated his game in the playoffs. He didn’t. Sometimes he was hurt. But Iverson has been hurt, and you’d hardly know it. The Pistons’ inability to beat back the likes of the Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers, and even the Boston Celtics in the Final Four can be directly traced to Billups’s inability to beat back his point guard counterpart in those series.

But still, Billups, it could be argued, was the team’s glue. He was captain and point guard, a lethal combo in the NBA if you crave leadership in your player. Think Isiah Thomas in his heyday. But Billups wasn’t Thomas — not even close, really. At best, he was a poor man’s Thomas. At worst, he was a drag to the Pistons’ playoff hopes.

This sounds rough, I know — and I don’t mean to be, because Chauncey Billups is a damn good basketball player, and he did a lot for the Pistons. In the regular season. But did you, in your heart of hearts, believe that another playoff run with Billups at the helm was going to end all that much differently? After his mediocre performance in the past three springs?

One of my faithful readers called me as the trade was being reported, and expressed this concern about Iverson: “Isn’t he kind of a ball hog?”

Yes! Thank God!

Pistons finally have an “Answer” to their lack of a superstar quandary


This brings me to the other tired Pistons talking point, bantied about even when they were winning the title in 2004. That talking point is that the team never had a true “go to” guy on their roster. For a while, we tried to sugarcoat that as some sort of badge of honor. You know, the old “Who needs a superstar when you have a bunch of good players?” argument. But as the time lengthened since that ‘04 championship, it was evident: the Pistons’ lack of a true superstar wasn’t a plus. It was a definite minus.

The Heat beat them in 2006 behind the superhuman efforts of Dwyane Wade. The Cavs drummed them out of the ‘07 playoffs behind the superhuman efforts of LeBron James. And the ‘08 Celtics slapped them around in Games 3 and 6 of the conference finals behind the superhuman efforts of Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. All while the Pistons looked at each other and wondered who their “go to” guy was going to be.

Having five guys on the floor who could all potentially take the game-winning shot sounds very nice and benevolent, but it’s a losing way of doing things. It’s the old mantra: if you have five game-winning shot guys, you have none.

Well, now the Pistons have one.

Allen Iverson should take every single game-winning shot for the Pistons this season, and for however long he remains with the team. It shouldn’t matter if all five of the opponents and 20,000 people in the stands, plus those watching on television, and even your Aunt Josephine and the cashier at Walgreen’s know it. Give Iverson the ball and let him do his thing. Like it or not, it’s how championships are won — when the supporting players know to get out of the way at the right time.

Sometimes you need a ball hog. Like at the end of games, when you need a play to be made. Remember how much flak James took after passing up a game-winning shot against the Pistons in the ‘07 conference finals in order to feed the ball to Donyell Marshall, who missed a three-pointer? Then remember what James did to the Pistons in Game 5 after he learned that lesson? He literally beat them all by himself. Selfishness is good, at times.

As for the Nuggets, they get a hometown kid in Billups (who finally ends up in his native Denver after playing just about everywhere else in his pre-Pistons days) who is more of a pass-first, shoot-second point guard. This allows Carmelo Anthony to regain the claim of the Nuggets being “his” team. And while McDyess is a very nice man who deserves to win a title, the Nuggets can probably use him more than the Pistons, who are grooming guys like Amir Johnson, Jason Maxiell, and Walter Herrmann in their frontcourt and in the swing.

Ball hogs have done alright in this league. There was someone named Michael Jordan, who only wears six rings. Larry Bird was hardly the epitome of selflessness when games had to be won in the playoffs. Wade ball hogged his way to the 2006 title. Kobe Bryant comes to mind, too — even with Shaquille O’Neal in his midst with the old Lakers teams. And Kobe just might ball hog his way to another title sometime soon, like this season.

Billups won the 2004 NBA Finals MVP largely by default. It was definitely a testament to the Pistons that no single player really stood out as being any more valuable than the other that spring. Their supposed “team first” method was lauded as having beaten the allegedly selfish style of the star-ladened Lakers. For one year, it was true. It was also an anomaly — an exception to a normally hard and fast rule.

Ball hogs and selfish superstars. Petulant point guards and snarling punks. They’re not always as toxic as advertised.

The Pistons could use a player like that. They haven’t had one, really, since the Bad Boys days.

Isiah Thomas didn’t always pass, contrary to popular belief.

Comerica Park About To Head Into 10th Year, So Where Are All The Memories?

I’m not sure what memories the Tigers fans had of Navin Field in 1921, upon the ballpark’s tenth season as a major league stadium. Doubtless they would have included the exploits of Ty Cobb, Sam Crawford, Harry Heilmann and the like. Right there, that’s a treasure trove. Not bad for the first ten years of any ballpark.

Don’t look now, but next season will be the tenth for the Tigers in Comerica Park. It’s true. Year No. 1 was in 2000, with its christening coming on a snowy April 11.

So what do we have to show for it? What special memories have we gathered?

Answer: nothing much before 2006. And nothing much in 2008. So it was just the seasons of 2006 and 2007 that have provided anything that you’d care to remember.

I suppose Opening Day, 2000 should be thrown in there, though. Any ballpark’s first game is something that should be marked indelibly in the brain. The fact that the Tigers beat the Seattle Mariners in a mini-snowstorm makes it even more memorable. It reminded me of the Toronto Blue Jays, who beat the Chicago White Sox and the snow in their first-ever game in 1977. Whoever decided that Toronto would be a dandy place for a season-opening game ought to have his head examined. Or has never been to Toronto, or anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon Line in early April.

The Tigers didn’t win too many ballgames in CoPa’s early existence, which contributes to the lack of decent memories. Remember, until ‘06, the Tigers posted losing records in every season after 1993. A shiny new stadium did nothing to change that.

For a brand new stadium, CoPa was shockingly devoid of early, memorable moments. After Opening Day, there wasn’t much else to recall about 2000. We talked a lot about the cruel dimensions of left center, but that was about it. Juan Gonzalez sulked his way through his only season as a Tiger. I remember that, too. But no signature moments, per se.

Ordonez’s pennant-winning homer is one of a precious few memorable moments in Comerica Park’s nine-year existence


There were a couple of walk-off wins in the final days of the 2003 season, when the Tigers managed to avoid losing more than the 120 games dropped by the 1962 Mets. So that’s something, I guess.

Even the visitors didn’t do much of note in the years from 2000-05, other than just beat the pants off the home team. No amazing, individual performances, like when Boston’s Freddie Lynn struck for three home runs, a triple, and 10 RBI in a game at Tiger Stadium in 1975. Of course, with CoPa’s initial dimensions, a visiting player would have needed an entire season, at least, to manage three homers in Detroit.

2006, of course, made up for the park’s first six seasons. The pennant-winning Tigers piled memory on top of memory, culminating with Magglio Ordonez’s walk-off homer to vault the Tigers into the World Series.

2007 saw Justin Verlander’s no-hitter — the first by a Tigers pitcher in Detroit since 1952 — and Ordonez’s drive to the AL batting title.

2008? I think we just as soon forget.

Maybe down the line, some 20-30 years from now, we’ll be able to compile an impressive array of memorable moments that occurred in Comerica Park. But we have a paltry list as we head into Year No. 10. Let’s hope it picks up.

Winless Lions Finally Cobble Together Their 60th Decent Minute This Season — TOTAL

The NFL season is nine weeks old, and the Detroit Lions have finally played a complete game — if you add up their eight so far, that is.

The Lions played thirty decent minutes yesterday in Chicago, which put them over the magical number of sixty for the season, which is what you need to play a complete game, sans overtime. They needed about 25 minutes going into yesterday’s contest, by my unofficial count, and so the first half against the Bears Sunday vaulted them over sixty for the season.

The Lions get zero credit for the second half — unless you want to put their futile, last-minute drive in their column. OK, what the heck, let’s do it. So the Lions played 31 decent minutes yesterday, in a 27-23 loss to the Bears. They remain winless — 0-and-8 in ‘08.

The Bears used the other 29 indecent minutes by the Lions to win the ballgame, which is more than enough time, usually, to flick Detroit’s football team off your shoulder. But the Bears needed most of those 29 minutes, although if any of their fans were growing nervous at the end when Lions QB Dan Orlovsky was moving the team down the field, shame on them. Don’t they know that it will always end poorly for the Gridiron Heroes in Honolulu Blue and Silver?

Lions tight end Michael Gaines has now been officially christened. He’s a card-carrying member of the Lions forever. Orlovsky was putting together the assemblance of a threatening drive with a little over two minutes remaining, and hit Gaines with a pass in the flat. On first inspection, Gaines did the right thing: he moved forward conservatively, cradling the ball to his tummy and aiming to merely go down without anything bad happening — like a fumble.

But these are the Lions, and so something bad did happen — Gaines fumbled after being struck by Lance Briggs, who also recovered. The Lions got the ball back, but lost precious time and had to burn their last timeout on defense. The end result, despite the fairly impressive way Orlovsky moved the Lions from their own 12 to the Bears’ 32, was oh-so-predictable: a desperation lob for Calvin Johnson, or whichever Lion was closest, fell harmlessly to the turf.

This was the kind of game that strengthened your resolve about the Lions — that is, if your resolve is that they won’t win a game this season. My gut tells me that if the Lions are to win a game and avoid going 0-16, it will come in a stunning, I-never-saw-that coming fashion. Like maybe a fumble recovery returned for a TD or something like that. In 1977, the Lions stunned the Colts in Baltimore because Leonard Thompson blocked a punt late in the game and the Lions fell on it in the end zone to win. That may be the only way they can win.

They won’t win conventionally. Not that I thought they would win yesterday, even after jogging off the field with a 23-13 halftime lead and the Chicago crowd quiet, and the Bears’ starting QB lost to an injury. I never think the Lions are going to win. That’s why their victory, if it’s to come, is going to come unpredictably, before anyone has a chance to doubt it.

The Free Press’ Michael Rosenberg laughingly suggested that the Lions will have a “quarterback controversy” when free agent Daunte Culpepper arrives in Allen Park. Sorry, Rosey, but 0-8 teams don’t have QB controversies. 0-8 teams are so bad, have so many holes, that who quarterbacks them has little to do with wins and losses. Now, if Culpepper shows up with a new offensive line, some linebackers, a pass rush and a couple decent cover cornerbacks, then maybe he’ll have some influence on the won/lost record. But as it is, bringing in Culpepper on a one-year contract with a team option for a second year is simply to enable him to audition now for 2009. There’s no controversy in that. Look who his competition is. There’s no more of a QB controversy here than there would be a meal controversy if you went to your local diner and saw that the specials were a choice between steak and head cheese.

Orlovsky’s a nice kid who plays hard and fancies himself as a future leader of the Lions. That’s great — attitude is half the battle. But “Rudy” was a great story, too, but the little guy wasn’t going to win the Heisman Trophy, was he?

This is the NFL, not children’s story time. There are no “little red engines that could” in this league. If that was the case, guys like Ramzee Robinson would be leading the league in interceptions. And the Dan Orlovskys of the league would be the top-rated passers.

So no QB controversy here, Mr. Rosenberg — and anyone else who is foolish enough to suggest it (hello, talk radio and MLive.com forum boobs!). There’s nothing controversial about the winless. They’re not nearly good enough to rate that.

NFL On Monday Nights No Longer "Must-See TV"

The rumors of the death of Monday Night Football have been greatly under exaggerated.

The franchise, now in its 39^th season, died in 1985, but it’s still on the air, strangely. MNF continues, post-mortem, but only like the deer head on the wall – it’s just … there.

I can fix the date of MNF’s death because it corresponds to when Howard Cosell took his cigar and his ego and went home. Only, he needed to make two trips to carry the ego.

Don’t believe me when I say a television show – and that’s what MNF is, first and foremost – can be dead for 23 years and still be on the air? Then tell me, and no looking away, nothing less than a straight face will be accepted: are Monday nights as fun now as they were when Howard occupied one-third of the booth?

In a way, it’s sort of unfair to compare Monday Night Football now to when it first hit the airwaves, because it’s really an apples and oranges kind of thing. The Cosell version was new, first of all. Nothing like it had been attempted. Pro football was a Sunday afternoon activity. The NFL dabbled in night games, for sure – even using a white football so it would show up better under the lights – but those were anomalies. And they weren’t on Monday nights, anyhow.

So with all this newness at its disposal, MNF could be innovative and ground-breaking on so many levels. And it was.

A three-man booth – that was new. A former player as the play-by-play guy (Frank Gifford replaced Keith Jackson after the first season) – that was new. A good ole Southern boy for comic relief – that was refreshingly new. And a lawyer by trade who never played anything at anytime in his life – that was most certainly new.

Gifford, Don Meredith, and Cosell didn’t just enter your living room; they burst in, like the Schlitz Malt Liquor bull. We’d never heard anything like it before: football, served up with almost as much drama among the announcers as what was taking place on the field below. Maybe more so.

Gifford would deliver his no-nonsense descriptions of what we just saw while Meredith and Cosell were engaged in banter that suggested they either didn’t realize Gifford was with them, or they didn’t care – one or the other.

Cosell had his pet names for his compadres: Gifford was The Giffer, and Meredith was Dandy Don. Privately, he called them other things, and not so endearing. But then, on the air, Cosell was being non-endearing, so it evened out.

There was a drunken night in Philadelphia, when Howard couldn’t finish the game, throwing up in the booth. There was an outburst in Buffalo. He called diminutive Washington Redskins receiver Alvin Garrett, an African-American, a “little monkey.” He railed often against pro sports – the very business that was feeding him, but Howard bit that hand anyway. Frequently. His extravagant, pompous use of the English language was blatant and fed his need to remind everyone of his intelligence.

Off the air, Cosell had disdain for his partners in the booth. He didn’t respect Gifford all that much – not convinced that a “jock” could be a “serious” announcer. Howard thought Meredith was a goofball who didn’t show nearly enough deference to him. That one, he got right – on both accounts. But it made for grand television.

It became a status symbol to be seen on MNF with that motley trio. Vice president Spiro Agnew dropped in. So would the likes of Burt Reynolds, John Wayne, and Bo Derek. One historic night, Cosell interviewed John Lennon, and the ex-Beatle marveled at both the similarities and differences between American football and his native England’s rugby. Sadly, in 1980, Cosell would famously announce the news of Lennon’s death on a Monday night in Miami. I remember it with crystal clarity.

Monday Night Football was something because no other football game in the country – college or pro – was played in prime time. Nothing started on Sundays after 4:00. The colleges kept their schedules to Saturday afternoons.

MNF’s “A-Team” That Will Never Be Matched: Cosell in front of Meredith (left) and Gifford

And there was Howard. Always Howard. People tuned in because they loved him. More people – way more – tuned in because they hated him. Some enterprising company manufactured and marketed Styrofoam bricks – sold specifically to be hurled at the television set whenever Cosell ticked the brick owner off.

All this, and a funny thing started happening on Tuesday mornings. People talked about Monday Night Football – but not necessarily about the game itself.

“Did you hear what Howard said?”

“Wasn’t that great when Don put Howard in his place?”

“I hate Cosell!”

When Meredith left for NBC in 1974, his goofball role was filled by Alex Karras, and Howard and Karras struck up a rapport based on mutual disrespect and loathing. The smarmy Karras was just the guy to take Dandy Don’s torch and burn Howard with it weekly, while the living rooms cheered.

Then it came out that Howard took all those jokes, and all that venom from the viewers, seriously. Too seriously. Which meant, of course, that the jokes and the venom got more frequent, and more caustic.

The forever classy Dave Diles was one of Cosell’s ABC colleagues, back in the ‘70s. A couple years ago, he told me about Howard’s insatiable ego.

“We all believe our own press from time to time,” Diles said. “But Howard took it to such an extreme.”

In 2000, an experiment was tried, 30 years after ABC put the ex-lawyer Cosell in a football broadcast booth. Comedian Dennis Miller was tabbed to join the MNF team. It was a bolder move than when they hired Cosell, because Miller was a known product. And that product, at first blush, didn’t seem to be one that you would expect, or want, with your football on TV.

But I grew to like Miller, because he reminded me of, well, Howard Cosell. I once wrote that if you could somehow have teamed Miller’s smarmy, obscure pop culture references with Cosell’s bombastic, pompous commentary, you’d have had one of the best weekly TV shows of all time, bar none. You wouldn’t have even needed the football game, for goodness sakes.

Miller didn’t last very long – just two seasons. His shtick didn’t work well with the straight-laced Al Michaels and the vanilla Dan Fouts. No Giffer or Dandy Don, they.

Monday Night Football hasn’t tickled my fancy, or my curiosity, since Cosell left – save the two years of Dennis Miller. It’s just another nighttime football game in an era where there are tons of them. And Tuesday mornings aren’t all that anymore, either.

Oh, Howard would love that: he leaves, and takes a night and a morning with him. Nobody tell him. Please.